Divorce

- Can I ask you a question? - Sure.

- I have good tits, right? - You have great tits.

I just got my friend Bret here to loan us a Pelts.

It looks like shit. Literally.

I'm Jackie. My daughter and I are moving into the neighborhood.

There's no way I'm gonna sell my house for that price.

I was low-balling you! I loved your house the minute I walked in.

What you're saying is that you'd wanna have sex with my house?

I'd blow it and see where that goes.

I spent so much time focusing on the divorce that I

didn't even let myself think about the future.

Do you wanna get dinner with me?

I think I should just be on my own for a bit.

Oh.

I think I met someone.

Tell me about him.

All these human beings

being rejected in a matter of seconds.

Yes, it's a great time to be alive, isn't it?

What's the math? What's the math?

How many blow-offs is that per minute?

God, you are really milking all the fun out of this.

Just, you know, jump in the water and get wet.

I'm not afraid of getting wet,

I'm just saying that there is an inherent... huh.

- Well he looks kind of nice. - Wow!

- Sam. - Sam's cute.

Hmm.

Is that a giraffe in the background?

Wait a minute.

- I can do... - Oh, yes.

Indeed, that is a giraffe.

Wow.

I've always wanted to go on a safari.

Well, it could be at the zoo.

I don't understand why you don't want me

to have, like, this nice fantasy.

Come on, give me that back. (GASPS)

No, no, no, no, no! What are you doing?!

You didn't ask permission!

It's a match! I don't believe it!

What... don't act so... what are you writing?

What are you writing? What are you writing?

- Wait, wait, wait! - Wait, seriously.

- What are you writing?! - Seriously. I'm serious!

Hold on, hold on! Yes!

- He said yes! - Give me my phone!

He said yes to what?!

Tom, you have your socks, homework,

and video games where everybody kills everybody?

- Mm-hmm. - Sorry for spilling

my nail polish in the bathroom.

Oh, you mean the red nail polish in the grout?

Oh, come on, that'll clean up like a dream.

Hmm.

Hello?

What?

When did that happen?

Hey! - Hi!

- Was it fun? - (DOOR CLOSES)

- Yeah, it was good. - (FRANCES CHUCKLES)

- Grandpa's in the hospital. - He is?

- See you guys! Bye, Dad!

- What's going on? - Uh, acute pneumonia,

which is pretty serious at his age,

and then, you know, he's got the heart condition.

Oh, my God.

Doctors have recommended

that I get there as quickly as possible.

But, um, it could be the end.

Oh, my God, Robert, I'm sorry.

So when are you leaving?

The first flight tomorrow morning.

Got the last seat.

But do you... should...

do you want me... should I go with you?

No, no, think I need to travel light on this one.

It's just there's a lot of things that have to be handled,

and just dealing with my sister alone is gonna be a ground war.

- But thanks. - Don't let Cathy get to you.

Yeah.

All right, well, seriously, I mean it,

if you change your mind and you want me there, I'll jump on a plane.

Yeah, I think it's probably easier this way.

- Thanks. - Mm.

(SIGHS)

Hey, Dad.

It's Robert.

I'm here now.

I'm not going anywhere.

He's out like a light.

Haven't heard a peep out of him.

His color's good, though.

- Okay. - You know, when he comes to,

you might wanna consider going premium on the TV.

- They're upgrading the whole building. - (SIGHS)

146 channels in every room.

Just six bucks a week.

That was weird.

I just don't feel good about

not being with him, you know?

I mean, if we were still married, I'd just... I would there.

There'd be no question.

And I feel guilty

because even though a part of me wanted to go,

I had this little, like, "Ah,"

this sigh of relief when he told me he didn't want me to go.

You're divorced now. You're free.

Diane, I was married forever.

These feelings are...

they're... they're involuntary.

Well, tick-tock, time to make new feelings.

Well, I just feel shitty about it.

- (DOOR OPENS) - I feel shitty for Robert.

- Hi! - Oh, hello!

- Hello. - Hi.

What did you say this sculpture is worth again?

Well, it is on loan currently,

and it is just south of $2 million.

Told ya. You owe me dinner.

- Shit. - Okay, well, thanks again.

- You're welcome. - (WOMEN GIGGLING)

Oh, my God! - (DOOR OPENS)

- You see that? - (DOOR CLOSES)

That is what you call buzz.

That's buzz?

- (BACKHOE BEEPING) - by sports...

So I got you the premium cable package, Dad.

It's a fucking sweet selection.

while Molly the bear was tranquilized...

Well, feeling better these days.

Better than before.

I'm not gonna drag you through all the gory details.

Just suffice it to say it sucked,

in case you were worried about me.

Not that you were ever a big worrier,

but... I don't know.

Sometimes I wish I could be more like you.

It's hard, though.

If you're like many Americans...

Dad, it's "The Lone Ranger"!

That used to be your favorite!

Huh, isn't it crazy?

Check in the hospital with pneumonia and a high fever,

get a "Lone Ranger" marathon out of the deal.

Yeah, life's funny.

He's sweet, he's funny, he's handsome.

It's... it's like I hit the motherfucking Powerball.

- And he actually makes me happy. - I can tell.

And he is 100% not judgmental.

You know, most men, they meet a woman in their 40s,

never been married, with a teenage daughter,

and their eyes just glaze over.

But not Robbie.

He's, like, completely unfazed.

Wow, we may have to bottle this guy.

Just bear in mind that most relationships,

they go through an early euphoric period, they level off,

and... and I just... I wouldn't make any big life changes right now.

You're probably right, and I haven't even met his ex-wife yet.

Well, there you have it. So there's another bit of mountain to climb.

Yeah. And this chick sounds batshit crazy.

Luckily for you, she's not your problem.

I'm here to see a patient... Frank DuFresne. -

- Capital D-U-F-R... - (SUCKS TEETH)

- E... sorry... E-S-N-E. - Oh, God damn it.

- I got it, thanks. - The one thing that I asked of you,

and you couldn't even respect that?

I didn't want you to go through this by yourself.

I felt like I should be here.

You would do the exact same thing for me.

- All right. - (MAN COUGHING)

How'd you get the kids squared away?

Oh, that was easy 'cause Lila got to

go to Rachel's for the weekend

and Tom is at home with Diane checking in on him.

- Really? - Yeah (CHUCKLES)

Roomies with Diane?

- So, how is Cathy? - Ugh.

As usual, she lives 30 miles away,

but acts like she's taking a submarine from Ukraine.

The more she's away, the more pleasant for you.

- (PHONE CHIMES) - Yeah.

Yeah, I'll just handle everything

and her contribution will be to skyrocket my blood pressure.

Good thing mine's low to begin with.

- Who's that? - A gallery.

Yoo-hoo! - (DOOR OPENS)

Hello!

Just checking in as advertised.

Making sure you're okay.

So... (SIGHS)

So to clear the air, your mother never claimed you were helpless,

so you can put all that out of your mind

and just think of me as a buddy-type

who's just checking in on you from time to time.

Does that mean I can ask you to leave?

Very witty.

I like a young man with a sense of humor.

- So... - (TV TURNS OFF)