Carry On Spying

BOOM!

PHONE RINGS

..Yes, speaking... What?!

..Poor old Stark. What about his formula?

..Damn! I'll get onto it straight away.

Yes, sir? I want the Chief Security Officer immediately.

KNOCK AT DOOR She's on the ball!

Come in!

MORE KNOCKING

KNOCKING CONTINUES

Thank goodness for that! I thought I'd been filed for life.

What the hell are you doing? I came in last night to put files away,

and some stupid over-efficient nit went and slammed the door on me!

I locked up in here last night. Oh. Well, nice job you made of it, sir.

If everyone was as conscientious as you,

we wouldn't need a Secret Service.

Haven't you got anything to do? Not half, after being in there!

Work! Haven't you got WORK to do? Oh, yes, chief, rather.

I've got security drill with the trainee agents, you know.

Get on with it. Don't be like that, chief. GET OUT!

All right, all right, I'm going. SMASH!

Ooh! Look what you've done now! Clumsy! Get out!

That Simpkins. I wish the other side would make him a good offer.

We've got something more disastrous to worry about.

Have they forgotten your elevenses again?

Worse. Pilkington Research Establishment was broken into.

They got away with Stark's formula. What! This could be very dangerous.

But how did they get in? Who was it? Was it...them?

There's only one man capable of masterminding such an audacious piece of espionage.

PHONE RINGS Hello?

You were right.

One of my agents took Stark's formula and at midnight tomorrow, it will be in MY hands.

Trace this call.

You are no doubt baffled as to how he got in, so I'll give you a clue.

His name is Milchmann. Just a minute. Milchmann.

Milkman - get it? I got it. Hello? Hello?

He's rung off. Was it...? Dr Crow.

My God, that devil!

Hello? Well done!

Whitehall 66066? We've got him, chief. Whitehall 66066.

Find out the address for that number.

With any luck we'll have him. Hurry!

Cobley! Sir? Whitehall 66066 is OUR number!

Great Scot, sir. So it is.

All right, scrap that.

That fiend Crow. Always too clever for us. KNOCKING

Come in.

Begging your excuse for in rushing like this,

but here is code message from Vienna coming.

Yes, all right, go on. That's all.

Not at all sure we should have foreigners in our coding department.

Listen to this, Cobley.

It's from Carstairs, my man in Vienna.

Milchmann, repeat Milchmann, arrived here by air at 10.40.

Great Scot. That's marvellous!

Good old Carstairs, repeat stairs.

We have till midnight tomorrow. I want every available man there.

Well, what are you waiting for? Well, I don't think there IS anybody.

What? We're spread pretty thin.

Don't be silly. There must be somebody.

It's scraping the barrel, but there is Simpkins.

That's getting underneath the bottom! But beggars can't be choosers.

We'll send some trainee agents with him. A marvellous idea.

There's... Trainee agent Harold Crump.

Number? 04733, sir.

You could take care of yourself in a fight. Have you done judo?

Yes, I have. I was Southern Counties champion. Really?

I always use my own counters, little red ones...

Judo, not Ludo, you fool! Oh, sorry, sir.

Trainee agent Daphne Honeybutt, sir.

Number? 38-22-35. No, your number, not your vital thingumajigs.

Oh, sorry, sir. I forgot where I was.

It's 4-7-11. Have you had any experience?

Oh yes, a little.

Hello. Hello. Agent Bind.

James? No, Charlie. Number?

000.

"0" what? I've no idea. They looked at me and said, "Oh-oh. Oh."

I see what you mean. I want you to listen very carefully, men,

because we're being entrusted with a very important mission here, men.

Excuse me, sir. Yes? Miss Honeybutt's a woman.

I don't need to be told that, Crump.

In the Secret Service all personnel are regarded as men.

They all take the same risks, wear the same clothes, eat the same food, use the same...password.

Understood? Yes, sir. Don't worry, I'm quite prepared to forget my sex.

Just so long as the others forget it too! This mission is liable to be rough and tough.

Some of us may not get through but that's the game.

Here's your essential equipment containing one fake passport,

one set of forged papers, one bogus identity card,

counterfeit money and one set of false eyelashes,

all in an imitation leather container.

But they have got a real zip. We haven't perfected a phoney one yet.

Thank you, sir. You will draw your revolvers and holsters and report back in 30 minutes.

Excuse me, but are we going to have one of those trick attache cases

with a spring lock? You just press a button and out pops a huge knife.

We had a spot of bother with one of them.

One of our agents had to get into a crowded train and had to sit on his suitcase.

How do I look? Smashing.

Will you help me with mine? Yes.

You better just put it in your handbag.

All right, men, if you're ready.

Oh, no!

I hope we don't have to do much walking because...

You'll do yourself a mischief! It's supposed to be here,

all ready to get off a slick draw like that...

I wish they made these the right way round.

That was wonderful! I'm sure I won't get my draws off that slickly.

This mission is very important. The formula must be got back.

You can depend on us. I'll have to.

There's tough opposition. Dr Crow heads a subversive organisation.

Known as... What was it, Cobley?

Society For Total Extinction Of Non-Conforming Humans.

Commonly known as STENCH.

You've issued code names, Simpkins?

Yes, sir. I'm Red Admiral.

Yellow Peril. Bluebottle.

Well?

Brown Cow! Nothing personal, just luck of the draw.

Hard luck. You only have to use your name for transmissions, not socially.

Here's a list of the offices.

With the call signs which you will memorise and then destroy.

HER EYES CLICK LIKE A CAMERA

HER EYES CLICK LIKE A CAMERA

You haven't memorised that!

I have, sir. Why not? She has. She's got a photographic memory.

Photographic memory? You're having me on!

I'm not. Tell them what it said. All right.

"Top secret. Call signs of European offices.

"Paris 910 metres. Call sign - la plume de ma tante.

"Brussels 640 metres. A pound of sprouts.

"Copenhagen 673 metres. Call sign - how's your father?

"Berlin 1,250 metres. Call sign - up your..."

By Jove, she's right!

Remarkable! Congratulations, Cow... I mean Brown!

That's not all she does, either.

I'm sure of it.

Have you arranged travel? Of course, chief.

To avoid attention, they're going by separate and different routes.

Naturally. On arrival, Carstairs will contact them with questions and answers

and get their orders. Excellent.

Well, that's it, chaps.

It remains for me to say goodbye. Thanks. Good luck.

Goodbye. All the best. Goodbye.

Goodbye and good luck.

Goodbye. Goodbye and good luck.

Thank you. Goodbye. Goodbye, sir.

Thank you. All right.

You're going, not me. Get out of here! Come on.

Bye-bye.

You can sleep peacefully. You've chosen the right man.

A cool-headed man who knows where he's going.

Where are we going? Vienna!

Oh, Vienna! Lovely! I've always wanted to see Vienna before I die.

Hopefully you'll do both.

WHISTLE BLOWS

What's the matter? The journey from London to Vienna

by locomotive is uncomfortably long.

Especially on a train with no corridor.

Cafe Mozart, ten o'clock.

The penalty for smuggling steak and kidney pudding is excessive.

I put my steak and kidney pudding in the next man's case.

Cafe Mozart, ten o'clock.

MUSIC PLAYS ON A ZITHER

A packet of filter-tipped matches, please.

I've only got filter-tipped bootlaces.

I cannot smoke those. They make me deaf.

Cafe Mozart, ten o'clock.

Oh! Look out, I didn't...

Never mind.

Schnitzelstrasse, that's right. I've got to wait here

and then... Ooh!

Good evening, darling. You would like to see my Viennese etchings?

Beg pardon?

You would like to come home to see my etchings? Oh!

I'm sorry, I'm afraid I cannot

because I have broken my glasses in two places.

About time. Cafe Mozart at ten.

Where's Carstairs? I am Carstairs.

BANG! God!

Run away!

# Too late

# Too late I see

# I was wrong

# We did belong

# Our love was strong

# Too late

# I have no doubt

# I was blind

# Out of my mind

# To lose you

# I thought

# We were just fooling

# And so

# I let you go

# Too late

# After you'd gone

# Then I knew

# Too late I knew

# Our... # It has almost been too simple.

Their agents were too stupid to cause me trouble.