American Housewife

Allemande left!

Now allemande right!

Now spin your top!

You know those sweet stories where people say

that they met their husbands in grade school?

That's not this, right?

Anna-Kat, what is Franklin doing?

He's just practicing.

They're offering square dancing in gym this unit.

This could be my first ever "A" in PE.

Actually, it's gonna be your 53rd "C,"

because we're doing kickball instead.

Come on, let's do square dancing together.

You get to see me in my boots.

Pass. Square dancing is lame.

If I can't do this...

...then I'm out.

Anna-Kat, can you come here a second?

You were a little harsh with Franklin, don't you think?

Eh, he can handle it.

The kid's got thick skin.

And that's not just a saying.

At the doctor's, they have to use horse needles on him.

Weave the ring and set the square!

Yee-haw!

I agree. That's a lot.

But in a relationship, you have to make more of an effort.

Do something that the other one likes.

Ugh. Okay, fine.

Franklin, I'm in.

But I'm limiting you to one "yee-haw"

and one "little lady" a day.

Yee-haw! Sounds good, little lady.

Aw, I shouldn't have used them both so fast.

Okay, guys, let's go.

We're gonna be late for school.

It's so funny when parents give kids advice

that they don't take themselves.

I know we raised you

to be the independent thinker and speak your mind,

but that was a mistake.

I'm just saying, you and Dad don't do anything

the other one likes.

You watch different TV shows,

you have different interests.

If you read books, you'd like different books.

We're fine. Thank you.

Remember the savings bonds that Grandpa gave you

- when you were 3? - Yeah.

I cashed them in when you were 4.

04x09 - Hip to be Square

That was amazing, babe.

That was fantastic, Taylor.

It's from "The Greatest Showman."

It's a movie where Wolverine

for some reason starts a circus.

Thanks, Trip.

Is that what you're singing

for your Carnegie Mellon audition tape?

Yeah. I just got to film it and send it in.

This video has to be perfect.

I've never wanted anything so badly in my life.

Do you need a director? Because you should know,

I was a filmmaker back in college.

I still have my Super 8 camera.

Thanks, Dad. But Trip said he'd just shoot it on his phone.

Do you really think you can capture

the grit of the performance and the depth of emotions

by just pressing a button on a cellphone?

Sure.

Oh.

You know, I thought being single was gonna be fun,

but farting whenever you want loses its appeal after a while.

Why don't you get out there and meet someone?

Who? Who am I meeting

that wants to date a single woman deep in her 30s

with four children?

Uhhh... a prisoner?

My breakup with Richard came out of nowhere.

But it also kind of didn't.

You know, apparently, we were drifting apart for years.

- Like how? - I don't know.

We were just leading separate lives.

Wait a minute.

How were you leading separate lives?

We were two people living in the same house

with nothing in common.

Oh, no.

That is almost exactly what Oliver said about me and Greg.

Outside of the kids,

we really don't do anything together.

We know.

We assumed you knew.

Oh, God.

Should I be worried?

We were. We assumed you were.

Look, you and Greg have to find something.

Celeste and I had different interests.

She wanted to take a cooking class,

and I wanted to sleep with other people.

So, should I start going to his Historical Guild mixers?

- No. No, no, no, no. - In that case,

you take the divorce.

Couple one go through that door!

Rip and snort across the floor!

Kids, if you want to see

what flawless rhythmic direction-taking looks like,

its name is Franklin.

Promenade around the floor!

Keep it up till I call some more!

Oh, you're here!

You made it just in time for the "California twirl."

You need a bandana?

Nope. I brought my own.

Wow, you are some kind of woman.

Franklin, Anna-Kat, it's called square dancing,

not square talking amongst yourselves.

That was funny, huh?

Laugh.

Detention.

Now swing your partner high and low!

Promenade with heel and toe!

Just follow my lead.

- Ow, ow. - Ooh, ow.

That's okay. That's okay.

Now we just walk in a circle.

Franklin, what's happened?

You're falling apart.

Your do-si-dos are starting to look like do-si-don'ts.

- What grade are you in? - Fourth.

I hope you like it, 'cause you're doing it again.

Yeah, come in.

Hey, Dad.

Remember how you were, like,

a movie guy or whatever in college?

I was an auteur, Taylor.

And I have the beret to prove it.

No, please.

I'm having some technical difficulties with Trip.

Rolling, babe.

I can't see anything with my eyes closed.

Trip!

Ready when you are, babe.

Who loves his blanket?

- Trip! - Luthor loves his blanket!

Okay. I'd be happy to step in for Trip.

For the first shot, I'm gonna come around like...

No. No shots, no doing that with your fingers.

Just point and shoot.

Everybody's got an opinion.

This is why I stayed out of the business.

All right, Brie.

Get the spare, and we beat these clowns.

Five pins. That's a lot of pressure.

Yeah, a lot of pressure.

So much pressure.

Should we film it?

We should totally film it.

Don't listen to them. You got this.

Damn right I do.

Come on.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Oliver, I think you might have to give Brie the Heimlich.

Because she choked.

All right, jerks.

Rematch.

Shoot. My dad's outside to pick us up.

Um, thanks for having us over, Cooper.

Not everyone has a bowling alley in their basement.

More people than you'd think.

No. Not more people than we think.

I think I'm gonna do it.

You're finally launching CooperCoin?

I'm gonna tell Charlotte I love her.

Absolutely not.

Hey, you don't get a say in my things.

If you tell Charlotte you love her,

then I'm gonna have to tell Brie that I love her.

- Why? - Because you and me,

we're in lockstep with Brie and Charlotte.

We met at the same time,

we had our first date at the same time,

we had our first kiss at the same time.

So?

Just tell Brie you love her, too.

I'm not there yet.

And if I'm not there, you're not there.

But I am there.

Well, get the hell out of there!

Amigo, you're killing me.

But okay, I won't say anything to Charlotte.

And no skywriting it.

Damn it.

Giles, ground the plane.

Greg, is that you?

I'm in your office.

What's all this?

The reason why our marriage is gonna fall apart.

You met your friends for second breakfast today, didn't you?

What's going on?