Black Comedy

Hey, little cuzzie!

Yeah, I heard you lost your tooth, eh?

Too deadly! Whoo!

Man, youse a big fella now. Yeah. Look at you. Now listen up.

You give me your little tooth and I'll give you a whole dollar!

Yeah, ha-ha! Yes!

Nah. It's just that payday not till next week.

And your boy here, he a little bit strapped for cash.

I mean, like, money is tight right now, bro.

I mean, it's criminal

what the Department for Fairy friggin' Finances

pay their staff, true God!

I mean, I gotta spend all my money on these gammon little wings here.

I was thinking, maybe I could borrow some money from you

and pay you back after next week payday?

Ya! Thank you, my brother.

Now, I seen where your nan hide that tin of coins under her bed,

all her poker winnings, eh?

You reckon you could sneak in there real sly way and grab it for me?

Go, my boy! Yes!

Be stealthy! Make us wealthy!

Be stealthy! Make us wealthy!

Be stealthy! Make us wealthy!

Uh-uh! Ooh! Mmm... mmm, mmm...

Sorry. I think I'm in the wrong place. (LAUGHS)

Wait!

I'm sure you're in the right place.

Um, is this the Indigenous Support Centre?

Yes.

Yes, yes, yes.

You are home, brother.

For you...

..from us.

For real?

What is your name, brother?

Uh...

..uh, it's Shane.

No, brother. We don't refer to the white man's identification.

Around here, we refer to each other by our totems.

Mine's Red Fox.

What's yours?

Uh, it's, uh, Frilled-Neck Lizard.

So pure!

I shall call you Frilly.

Actually, 'Shane' is just... Come, Frilly.

Let me introduce you to the rest of the mob.

Everyone, this is Frilly.

Hello, Frilly.

Hey. Hey, brother.

How are you? It's good to see a familiar face around here.

Uh, I seen you outside on the poster.

I'm Shane, by the way.

Hey, brother. I'm Steven.

Bruz? Yeah.

Listen to me very carefully. Go on.

You need to get the fuck out of here.

Just get the fuck out! Huh?

Hey, Aunty. How's it going?

Good, nephew. How ya ring been?

Yeah, good. Good.

Now, nephew, Coles got biggest mob of specials

this week in their catalogue.

And I want you to go and get me all them thing

I been circled on that page there with all them coins.

Oh, Aunty, I'm a bit shame, eh,

to go into Coles with all that loose change.

What do ya mean, ya shame? It's all friggin' money! They don't care.

It's such a tragedy when grown man act like small boy with caca bum.

I'm not a small boy with caca bum.

Alright, alright. I'll... I'll go and get your stuff from Coles, then.

And when you get home, I want you to go to ATM and draw out $150.

And hit me in the guts with it! Bingo on tonight.

Oh, and because you're my favourite nephew,

go get yourself 10 cent worth of mixed lolly.

Oh, that rain! Holy...! (GRUNTS)

Alright, you little pissants,

who can tell me what you're here for, eh?

Who? Hm?

Unc, I thought you were helping us out with our homework, eh?

Homework?! What?! Homework!

Alright, then, first lesson!

X plus Z divided by G equals...

..shut up your motherfuckin' mouth up!

You here for apocalypse training, boy!

World's about to end!

And I'm gonna teach you how to bust zombies up.

What do you know about surviving and fighting, Uncle?

You never been out bush before. Girl!

I been training ever since you was doing backstroke in your dad's bags.

I been watching Bruce Lee, Jet Li, Jackie Chan,

Muhammad Ali, Mike Tyson.

I'm like a Navy SEAL heavyweight boxing ninja!

Oh, alright, then. Well, show us something, then, Unc.

Oh, you want to see something? Yeah.

You want to see something? Eh? Yeah, yeah.

You want to see? Go on, then.

Alright, alright. Move out of the way.

Hoo-ah!

Boo-yah!

Grab their balls! Chuck their balls!

Alright. Now, let's... let's do it for real.

Ando, get out here. Come out here.

Now, what ya gonna do if a zombie coming at you, like,

"Arggh! I'm gonna eat your brains, fuck ya"?

Run away, eh? Nice.

Yeah. That's what you do.

If you're a little bitch!

But if you're like me, you do a secret ninja move...

..twist his head off, one twist.

Show you how we do this.

Alright, Ando. Come on.

You be the zombie. Come hit me. You want me to hit you?

Have a go. Yes. Are you sure, Unc?

Come on. Come on. You can try.

You right, Unc?

You broke my nose, ya bastard! What did you do that for?

I'm sorry, Unc. You told me to hit you.

Yeah, but I said be a zombie, you stupid hole!

They don't move that fast! They move like this here, look.

Don't you watch the movies? (GROANS) Sorry, Unc.

Do some push-ups! Where's the medic?

Oi, bruz! Wake up!

Oh! Far out.

I thought they killed you, eh?

Oh...

What the hell is going on?

Where are we? Bruz, keep it down.

Or they'll come back!

This place...

..it's messed up.

It's not what it looks like.

It's a front.

They pretend to help blackfellas in uni, but, really, it's a scam.

They control everything, bruz.

Who? Who controls everything?

This mob!

We're just here to line their pockets, bruz.

Black equals cash.

I don't understand.

They use us to promote the multicultural agenda of universities

to advance their ideological agenda of diversity.

That's the way. Perfect.

Give... give us one of those good traditional, you know, poses.

Yeah, that's the one!

They find us, capture us, put us on print, pamphlets,

billboards and alumni magazines.

They wheel us out for dinners

and take photos of us smiling with all the other diverse students.

But it's not real. It's just a show!

It's all a lie!

Uh... how... how has no-one found about this, then?

They're like the Illuminati, a... a secret society.

What?! Disloyalty is punishable by death.

Or worse!

All the universities are in on it.

I can't do it anymore, bruz.

There's only so many high teas you can go to.

I'm developing diabetes from all the... the scones and the jam.

I'm doing 5, 10, 15 'welcome to countries' a day!

Always was...

..always will be.

They follow me 24/7, taking photos of me

with all the multicultural students.

But I'm starting to get PTSD, bruz.

PTSD!

Where are the others?

No! What?!

No!

Wait. Wait. Oh! Bruz, bruz!

I might be able to get us free.

I might be able to cut... cut... cut the rope.

And if... if I cut the rope, I might be able to get us both out of here.

I can't... Bruz!

..I can't count how many morning tea presentations

and 'welcome to countries' they've used me for.

I'm not even from here, bruz! I'm not even from here!

Bruz, be quiet! Be quiet!

Be quiet! I can't even play basketball

Shut your hole!

Well...

..fancy seeing you here.

1602.

The Wurra Murra tribe, near Ipswich way, were meeting up

to discuss the shared responsibilities of the tribe,

'cause some mob weren't pulling their weight.

But a core member of the tribe, Yurramoo, was 45 minutes late.

When Yurramoo showed up,

Wingamore, the tribe leader, asked why he was so late.

Without missing a beat, Yurramoo told his tribe

he was running on Murri time,

thus creating a new time zone for Murris to show up

whenever they're ready,

and creating another great moment in black history.

Oh, no. I can't stop thinking about it.

Me too. Are you sure we're cousins?

Your dad is my Aunt Meb sissy ma's nephew. We're cousins.

You know, one of the reasons we had such strict kinship laws

was to stop, like, inbreeding, but...

..I don't plan on breeding with you tonight.

I don't plan on breeding with you full stop!