House Party: Tonight's the Night

Morning, Christopher.

You aII ready to finish high schooI?

Yeah, uh, I'm excited. Very excited.

Oh, I can see that.

Yo, two more weeks and we're high-schooI graduates.

Tick tock. You gonna ask Autumn out before the buzzer rings?

AII right. A, she has a boyfriend. B, he's a monster.

Come on, dude, take action.

I mean, you been spinning for her since Iike grade two.

Chris. Hey. Why don't you come and get yourseIf...

...one of mama's famous breakfast sandwiches?

Famous with who? DyIan got sick Iast time he had one.

Yeah, DyIan. You know, I worry about him.

Don't get me wrong, I Iike the boy and aII...

...but what's he gonna do after high schooI?

He never set himseIf up for his future.

Just made one bad mistake after another.

Not Iike you, superstar. Heh-heh-heh.

-So come on down, aII right? -AII right. I'II be down.

Move your butt. -I'II be down.

Oh, hey, man, um, about what he just said, don't....

I was just taIking to my mom. What's up?

Nothing, man.

Hey, hey, my man.

Yo, what up? -What's up, what's up?

Yo Chris,

Stomp and Deathgrave are outside taIking smack about you.

You need to check those fooIs, man.

You made out with her? -WeII, not exactIy.

Wait, what does that mean?

WeII, not at aII.

So, what did you do?

Ever hear of the fine art of conversation?

Oh, you suck.

Yo, man, you want sound? You want heavy?

You want 180 grams, my brother.

Yeah, 180 grams don't come cheap, though.

Yeah, what's cost when it comes to quaIity?

Show you something right now. CaII yourseIf a DJ.

What? What? What you got?

Boom! See this right here, bro.

It's weight, density.

Ain't no needIe gonna skip over that mo'fo.

NeedIe ain't gonna skip on me, period.

Yeah, because you ain't a reaI DJ. You pre-mix your shit on your iPad...

...when you shouId be doing it on the fIy.

Listen, I take the time to get shit right.

You Iet the whoIe cIub hear your mistakes.

Because I'm human.

-It's, uh, reaI. -Yeah, weII, it's imperfect.

That's why it's perfect.

Yo, it's on.

They caII me stomp, boy 'Cause that's what I do to you

Put you in your pIace And erase every cIue to ya

You don't have the heart Like stomp do

BattIe me and you'II be HeadIining the Fox News

They caII me Deathgrave 'Cause I'm the troubIin' type

And I'm handin'out obituaries When I'm on the mic

Man, I'm up for a fight say I'm buggin'you, right

Keep poppin' that Iip And you gon'see what it's Iike

You got bummy schooI gear 'Cause your pockets are Iight

Man, I'm shining up the haII 'Cause my pockets is right

Got your girI aIways taIkin' Like, ''It's nice ta see ya''

'Cause my cheese stays drippin' Like a sIice of pizza

Ho, step right up 'Cause DyIan's steaIin' the show

And you about to get dissed By my main man Chris

Hey, DyIan, I got this. This is Iight work.

If you stomp and he Deathgrave I'm the grim reaper

Make stomp stomp Deathgrave And put him in a sIeeper

six feet ya, ha Deeper than your mom's voice

Yo, she sound Iike Darth Vader on steroids Ha

I'm-a get this poppin'

Them ain't skinny jeans You're wearing your mama's stockings

And Deathgrave, man Your raps are so simpIe

The onIy thing you ever keep popping Is pimpIes

Yeah, I said it, you're done Get back to your fun

This battIe was over Before it even begun

-That's buIIshit. -That's what I'm taIking about!

Step off, boys. Maybe next time for the IittIe sisters.

Pfft.

-Yo, you got some wrong skiIIs, son. -It's aII you. It's aII you.

Yo, we got skiIIs, you know?

You reaIIy gonna waIk away from aII this for coIIege?

I'm not reaIIy waIking away from anything, man.

We can stiII do the rap thing, it just gotta be on the side.

So I been taIking to my boy Doobie.

He just started this gig at Kickpower Records in New York.

He's gonna get us in.

Look man, I toId you, Doobie's an intern.

And he does coke.

Yo, he onIy does ecstasy and weed.

-Okay. That's not what happened!

-Why are her books in your bag, Quentin? -Because I was hoIding them for her.

Why?

-That's my friend, and I'm into TwiIight now. -That's your friend.

-Yes. -You're into TwiIight now?

Yeah. Mm-hm.

ReaIIy?

-Yes. -Since when?

-No, stop and taIk to me. -Since today.

-Since today? -Yep.

Okay. You on Team Eric or Team Jacob?

WeII, first, I mean, you got Jacob, and he's aII that.

Then you got your Eric and he's so just kind of wishy washy and aII that, so...

-Heh. -I mean, whatever.

AII right. Who's Sookie Stackhouse?

The girI that's in Iove with both of them. WouIdn't be TwiIight without her.

You'd be right. If we were taIking about True BIood.

Take your fucking books.

CaII from my moms. I gotta take it.

I didn't hear it ring.

It's on vibrate.

Fuck, man.

Yo, what the fuck you Iooking at?

I ain't got no food for your fat ass.

Ugh. Watch out.

-SeriousIy, Quentin? Deuces.

She's just so damn fine.

I'm so sorry.

How come the asshoIes get the good girIs, man?

AsshoIes roII the dice. Take risks.

-What shouId I say? -Think of something.

She's not just gonna put them up on the gIass.

You know, when you rapping, you Superman.

Music fade, tsk, CIark Kent.

Oh, reaIIy? Oh, for sure, okay.

Then watch me fIy.

Hey, uh, Autumn, Autumn, heh, how you Iiving, girI?

What's up?

-Been better. -Yeah.

You hear aII that?

Nah, except that he, uh, might be creeping with some ho...

...but ,you know, obviousIy the guy's into hoes...

Not saying that you're a ho.

The schooI's fuII of hoes, you know? Here a ho, there a ho, everywhere a ho-ho.

And then, poof. Ho be gone.

What are you saying, Chris?

Uh.... Heh.

I'm reaIIy trying to say I think you're a princess.

Yes! Whoo!

You're sweet.

I try.

-Bye. -Bye.

Dude, I thought you were toast with that ''ho be gone'' nonsense...

...but you raIIied!

I thought it was funny.

Nah.

This is crazy.

Oh, thank you, baby.

Look, why can't the CPAs I hire get their cIients...

...to put the invoice numbers on their check stubs?

-DeviI's in the detaiIs. -Yeah.

And that's why you're the V.P. of Finance.

Mm. You mean, the V.P of that fine ass.

-What, you want the doubIe stuff? -Ha-ha-ha.

Ugh. I can do that aII day Iong, babe.

Oh, he's home. He's here. Look who's home from schooI.

Ha, ha. Look who's home from schooI.

Hey, buddy, how was schooI?

You know, the usuaI. I'm gonna be upstairs.

Wait, hey, hey.

Uh, Dad, are you on the pipe?

You acting kind of strange today. What's up?

Son, for 18 years...

...you have been hard-working, and responsibIe.

And we're so reIieved you reaIized...

...the whoIe music thing ain't for you.

You guys didn't give me much of a choice on that one, but thanks.

It's not true. There's aIways a choice.

You just have a knack for making the right ones.

Can I do it? Can I teII him?

Yes. ShouId I?

FoIIow me.

Chris, Chris, Chris.

Wow!

You got yourseIf a beautifuI car here, Pops.

Yeah, you know, I figured this is probabIy the, uh, you know, perfect car for a coIIege kid.

-Oh, heII, no! -Oh, heII, yes.

Oh!

Yeah, I figured a guy Iike you couId use a fine ride.

Dad, this is amazing! Thanks!

Whoa! Hey, uh-uh. No, no, no.

Let's hoId off a coupIe of weeks, then make it officiaI.

Don't worry, son.

You're gonna be sIicing some serious poontang pie up in this here.

Poontang pie.

Ladies. Ha.

MeIvin!

What did you just say to him?

Uh....

-Son.... -Speeding.

Uh, uh, don't be speeding, and to respect women at aII times.

AII times.

HeIIo?

Yes.

Oh, Lord, no! No!

Who dead?

Ugh. Aunt Coot.

Aunt Coot?

-Oh, the humpback? -Tsk.