Ishtar

Telling the truth can be bad news

telling the truth can be...

Telling the truth can be good news

telling the truth is a bad idea

telling the truth is a difficult problem

telling the truth... Telling the truth is a scary...

Telling the truth is a scary predicament

telling the truth is a bitter herb

telling the truth is a dangerous tunnel

when you get out of that tunnel

- you've got bitter herbs - It's a black life ahead

forget "herb." I never heard of a hit that had the word "herb" in it.

Telling the truth is a dangerous...

Dangerous!

- Telling the truth can be dangerous - Dangerous...

What?

Danger... telling the truth can be danger...

Telling the truth can be dangerous

telling the truth can be dangerous business

why?

Why?

Why?

Telling the truth can be dangerous business

because if yourself you don't know why

well, I'm just giving you what the idea is.

Telling the truth can be dangerous business

if you don't know yourself then you don't know why

is that brilliant!

Telling the truth can be dangerous business

honest and popular don't go hand in hand

if you admit that you can play the accordion

no one will hire you in a rock 'n' roll band

- but we can sing our hearts out - Can sing our hearts out

and if we're lucky then no neighbors complain

look at that. Simon and Garfunkel's greatest hits.

Lyle, dangerous business is as good as anything they ever wrote.

- You think so? - Sure.

The only thing that Simon & Garfunkel, or Bruce Springsteen,

or any of these guys have that we don't have is an agent.

You think so?

Dangerous business is as good as bridge over troubled water

any day of the week.

You think so?

I'm telling you, if we get an agent, we get a record album.

- Freed talent agency. - Mr. freed,

this is Chuck Clarke of Rogers & Clarke. Yeah?

We're songwriters and we're looking for an agent.

Yeah.

And we saw your ad in variety. We're gonna be at song mart next Tuesday.

And we've got a new song we think is good enough for a record album.

We wondered if you'd have a chance to come down and catch us.

- The record album... - No, no, no, no.

It's not called the record album. It's called the song mart, sir.

It's basically a try-out place for new material.

Okay, okay, okay, that wraps up another audition night at the song mart.

A great bunch tonight. Good luck, kids.

Well, what did you think, Mr. freed?

As an agent? Yeah.

Let me tell you what I told Tony Bennett,

"sing songs people already know."

That way, if they don't like it, they'll still have something to applaud.

- But we're not singers. - No, we're songwriters.

S07? The beach boys weren't songwriters?

Anthony newley isn't a songwriter?

I mean, if you wanna sell songs today,

you gotta have an act with jokes, patter, segues.

Otherwise, frankly,

you're old, you're white and you got no shtick.

You got no gimmicks.

Auditioning tonight at the ad lib for the first time,

please welcome Rogers & Clarke.

I don't understand what we did wrong.

Nothing, although I think it'd be a good idea to change your routine if they boo.

Otherwise, I'm very encouraged.

We don't have another routine to change to.

The thing is, Marty, we've been living off our savings

while we've been working on our act, but we're down to nothing now.

Really? I got good news for you. “What?

I think I can get you a booking.

- For money? - Absolutely.

- Where? - Honduras.

The hotel where the American journalists stay in Honduras.

Tax!

The last act left because they got nervous about the death squads.

But there's no danger if you don't drive in the countryside.

- How much? - 150 lempiras a week.

That's $75 in American money, that includes room and board.

That's only $37.50 a week for each of us.

Hey, that's right.

You got a good head for figures.

- But, Marty... - Taxi!

Wait a minute, Marty.

I also can get you 10 weeks in Morocco at 950 dirham a week.

That's $95 in American money.

Unfortunately, I can only get you airfare from the canary islands.

I'll call you about it in the morning.

Me, too.

Want me to drop you anywhere?

No, thanks. I'm gonna walk around for a while.

I want to do some thinking.

Me, too.

Well, don't think too long.

A lot of acts would kill for a booking in north Africa.

Lyle, do you mind? I kind of wanna be alone to think.

- Lyle! - Is it all right?

It's the only bar in the neighborhood that's open.

Just pretend like I'm not here.

What can I get you?

Give me a bourbon and a water, straight up.

- Make that two. - Don't drink bourbon,

you'll fall flat on your face. Give him a beer.

I'll have a beer.

You guys know each other?

Yeah, we...

We got a...

We had an act together.

No kidding, would I have seen it?

No, we've only known each other about five months.

Before that, we were just guys

with jobs.

And we wanted to be songwriters.

Hot fudge love, chocolate covered

hot fudge love, cherry ripple kisses

dishes, knishes, trishes

this is, this is, bliss is

hey, ice-cream truck! Stop!

Stop being so stupid! Stop!

Lip smackin' back slappin'

perfectly delicious

no, no.

What's the matter, honey?

I feel like this is a very special part of the evening.

A couple of years ago, there was a very young gray-haired couple here,

celebrating their 51st wedding anniversary.

And last year, they came...

- Sorry. - For their 52nd wedding anniversary.

And I told them that if they came back here the following year,

I'd have a song written for them.

And they're back.

Mr. and Mrs. Charles thomopoulos

celebrating this evening their 53rd wedding anniversary.

Hear, hear!

I promised I'd love you forever

a promise I'm planning to keep

you'll be well taken care of after I've gone

off to the land of the big sleep

I'm leaving some love in my will

yes, I'm leaving some love in my will

my life is nearly over

and time goes by so fast

and I wanted to give you a present

to thank you for the past

I shouldn't have played in here.

It's so demeaning.

Asshole waiters screaming at me like that and taking orders,

people throwing food in their faces.

- I love you, Chuck. - Thanks.

And I was thinking that if we lived together,

I would just make your life so much easier.

Life isn't that bad, I just have a lot of pain.

- Do you love me, Chuck? - Look, Carol, you're a wonderful person.

I mean that. You're a wonderful woman.

I just have to make sure that you're miss right.

Don't you wanna make sure that I'm...

Oh, my god.

This guy says he's a songwriter and he loved my song.

He says he wants to buy me a drink.

I'll be right back.

I met her and I fell...

No, cut out "and I." You want this one.

I met her, fell

I loved her well

she walked out, hell oh, heartbreak

that's it.

Maybe something stronger.

I met her, wham!

I met her, bam!

Software

I'm looking for software

I gotta have software

for my machine

I got it, I got it.

If you admit that you can play the accordion

no one will hire you in a rock 'n' roll band

shit, man, when you're on, you're on.

Hello - hello

baby - baby

love you - love you

baby - baby

and the way I see it, people would rather suffer with what they have

than try the unknown.

Like crackers from a barrel

that's when the morning...

That's because most men lead lives of quiet desperation.

Is that right!

They're going to change her name to Carol

Saturday morning the sound of a lawnmower

touches my heart

girls call me "the hawk." It's a long story, gang war, shit like that.

"The hawk?"