Two and a Half Men

Hello.

Oh, hey, Julia; I was just on my way over.

Anything I need to bring?

Thai food, wine, batteries?

What do you mean, "Don't come"?

Gee, do you really think your psychiatrist

is the best judge of who you should sleep with?

Well, sure you could do better.

We could both do better.

But in the meantime, I am on my way over.

Okay, okay, need to stop you here.

There is a big difference

between "meaningless" and "degrading."

You know what?

I think we just have to agree to disagree.

Okay, then, you have a nice life, too.

Why do these women insist on getting well?

Hey, Alan... Hang on, Charlie.

This is an important moment,

and I want to savor it.

Alan...

J.

Harper.

What's the big deal? It's just an alimony check.

Not an alimony check.

This is my final alimony check.

Isn't it beautiful?

Oh, wait.

Judith is getting married this weekend.

Exactly.

And you know what that means.

You can finally kick in a few bucks around here?

Good one. No.

It means Alan gets new underwear.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go pick up my son

and deliver this last drop of blood money

to the former Mrs. Alan Harper

and soon-to-be Mrs. Herb Melnick.

May God have mercy on his soul.

Amen.

So, you want some company?

You want to come with me?

Eh, why not? I don't have any plans.

You got stood up again, didn't you?

I'm starting to think all these girls

have the same damn shrink.

All right, well, if you're gonna come, grab your camera.

You can take some snapshots of Pharaoh Judith

letting her Alan go.

Got the camera right here.

You carry it with you?

I thought I had a date.

Takes video, too.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

Stopping at the copy place was a great idea.

And the picture will make a terrific Christmas card.

Want to get the door, Herb?!

Stop yelling at me!

I'm not yelling!

: This is yelling!

You know what? This really isn't that funny.

Oh, hi, Alan, Charlie.

Herb. Hey.

This a bad time?

The Spanish Inquisition was a bad time.

This is hell.

Come in.

So what's going on?

A little pre- wedding jitters?

You could call it that,

but we'd just be sugar-coating hell.

Oh, don't worry.

As soon as Judith puts on that beautiful white gown

and starts marching down that aisle...

She doesn't want to wear white.

Says it makes her look fat.

Oh, well, that's nice.

She wants to look trim and fit

for the honeymoon.

You're sugar-coating hell again, Alan.

If you really want to help the guy,

stop talking and smother him with a pillow.

Hey.

Hey, there's the blushing bride.

She doesn't look fat at all.

Go ahead. Give her the check.

What check?

Oh, uh, well, I-I figured as long as I was here,

that I would give you your last and final alimony check.

Got it.

What the hell are you doing?

Just a little souvenir.

I'll go find Jake.

See? She's being a good sport.

Let's get one with the big check.

Forget the big check.

So, um, you know, um, I-I read an interesting story the other day.

Uh, married men live, on average,

ten years longer than single men.

What if they don't want to?

Come on, you and Judith were made for each other.

What could possibly come between you?

My sister.

You got a sister?

Down, Charlie.

She came out a few days early to help with the wedding,

but it's not really helping.

What does she look like? Charlie!

She doesn't have a therapist, does she?

Charlie, I swear to God!

So what do you think?

Should I wear it or have a vet check it for worms?

No, no, it looks fine.

Oh, Myra, this is Judith's first husband, Alan.

Hi. So how does this work?

Do you get your original testicles back

or does my brother give you his?

Myra, the castration jokes are getting a little old.

Not in my house.

Myra, this is Alan's brother, Charlie.

Oh, yeah, the booze- riddled sleazebag.

She did not hear that from me.

It's not like it's a big secret.

Myra,

where the hell is Jake?

How should I know?

Because I asked you to get him ready to go to his father's.

You also asked me to try on this satin stool sample.

Herb, tell your sister it's a lovely dress.

Herb, tell your fiancée the diet pills

are affecting her judgment but not her ass.

That's it, she's got to go.

I can't throw out family!

And that's the bitch of it, Herb.

Hey, um, Charlie and I

were thinking of taking Jake out to a movie.

We were? We were.

Myra, would you like to join us?

You didn't say anything about a movie.

I wanted to surprise you.

Hey, you know what? That's a great idea.

Go to a movie with Alan and Charlie.

Can I wear my pretty new dress?

Get her out, Herb.

Hey, look what I found in the bushes.

* Men...

God, I hate family movies.

What, you don't buy the central premise

that a dog can play hockey?

Well, not as a power forward.

Oh. We're flying the friendly skies, are we?

After you.

Why, thank you.

So, you're staying at Judith's.

Yep.

What does she say about me?

Well, if she's telling the truth,

we really shouldn't be drinking out of the same cup.

That might be the nicest thing

she's ever said about me.

I just don't understand what my brother sees in her.

You know, 15 years ago I asked the exact same question.

A little tip?

Don't do it during the wedding toast.

Maybe you can clear something up for me.

Herb says you're a successful jingle writer,

but Judith says you are a drunken talentless hack

who passed out and fell into a pit of money.

So what do you need cleared up?

Boy, you got me at a disadvantage.

I don't know why Judith hates you.

Hmm, it's hard to say.

Maybe it's 'cause I'm smart.

Maybe it's because I'm independent.

Maybe it's because I offered my brother a thousand dollars

to call off the wedding.

I did the same thing with my brother.

You did?

...but the thought was the same.

So, Myra... what do you do?

I teach high school economics.

Huh.

It may sound like a boring life,

but at night, I dress up like a giant spider and fight crime.

Interesting. Now, did you decide spider

and have the costume made

or did you find the costume and say, "Okay, spider"?

Are you mocking the Scarlet Arachnid?

Sorry, sorry.

It's just hard to believe that you're Herb's sister.

He's so...

Hapless?

I was going to say "tall," but hapless works.

To hapless Herb.