Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23

When I moved to Manhattan from Indiana

a few months ago, I thought of it

as the next step in my life plan.

I had no idea that I was gonna move in

with a girl that I met on Craigslist

who was basically, well, crazy, in a great way,

and sometimes a not-so-great way.

It's been hard and fun and hard,

but what's made it easier has been

the new friends I've made along the way,

which is why it's so difficult

to say good-bye to one of them right now.

I can't believe we're at James Van Der Beek's funeral.

James Van Der Beek's viking funeral in Central Park, June.

Don't underdescribe the awesomeness.

Just how illegal is this?

About as illegal as that panda fat eye cream you use.

You use panda on your face?

Luther is 76 years old.

Shut... up... bitch.

hey, Chloe.

Hey, June.

Oh, hey, June, come here.

Come sit by me. I need to tell you something.

Come on.

Good. Sit.

Okay, come close.

Your sweater looks like

a pumpkin mated with a turd.

I thought you were gonna give me a hug.

Nope. No.

It came!

Ooh! Read it! Read it!

"Dear, James, it's that time of the year...

"the anniversary of the series finale of 'Dawson's Creek.'

"can you believe it's been almost ten years

"since it went off the air???

"We thought we'd write you again to see if you'd be interested

"in doing a reunion show.

"As always, we're in if you are.

"Sincerely, Michelle, Katie, and Josh."

Holy wow!

Oh, let me touch... too bad it's never gonna happen.

Wait, James.

Why would you do that?

They send me one of those every year.

Listen, they can get nominated for all the oscars they want,

you don't put the Beatles back together without John Lennon.

And I'm Lennon and McCartney, bitch.

Yeah, you are! You are a king, James.

King James.

Like the Bible.

Let's go out and celebrate how awesome you are.

Absolutely. Anything you wanna do, you just name it.

Bye. Charge less for your magazine.

Hmm.

Big-ass hat.

Send in tall and skinnies.

June, are you feeling okay?

You're angrily decrumbing the muffin case.

James won't do a "Dawson's Creek" reunion.

I could ask that question a thousand times

and still not believe that's your answer.

The rest of the cast is in,

but James won't even consider it.

He likes saying no to them

because it makes him feel like a big shot.

You seem really upset about this.

You know, growing up in Indiana, that show was a religion.

My friends and I... we were obsessed with it.

Okay, I get it.

Like "Moesha" was for me.

I'm just kidding. I just said that because I'm black.

I never watched "Moesha."

Celeste, Tori, Margaret, and I memorized every episode.

Do you know how awesome it would be if I called them up

and told them that James was doing a reunion show?

It's been a while since I had some good news.

I lost the job that I moved to New York for,

I broke up with my fiance, and I'm pretty sure that

my boobs have decreased a cup size because of all the sadness.

Why won't James do this for me?

June, if it's that important to you,

talk to him about it.

When you get passionate about something, you're hard to stop.

Remember your whole thing against yellow raisins?

Albino abominations of nature!

Hey. Hey. You convinced me, okay?

I'm convinced. June, you got crazy eyes.

I love it when the models fall.

They're like giraffes collapsing in the jungle.

Ooh! Good work, marbles.

846,251

is the number of teenage girls

who watched the finale of "Dawson's Creek."

I was one of them.

And so was Celeste...

Margaret...

And Tori.

Did these girls die in a drunk-driving accident

or something?

Is this a memorial/intervention/ ?

Your show reflected what was going on in our lives.

When Aaron Demayo broke up with me in seventh grade,

I thought I was gonna die,

and then I turned on the TV, and grams got the diagnosis.

Cancer.

She was really going to die.

The way you dealt with that, your strength...

it gave me strength, and we got through it,

together.

Rack attack! Rack attack! Rack attack!

Rack attack! Chloe, please, June is in the middle

of a makeshift living room presentation.

Those girls who watched you on TV...

They're now having daughters of their own.

One woman...

Becomes two.

Indian.

Woman.

Indian. Woman.

It's the circle of life, James.

Do you really want to break that circle?

Oh, my God. This is so lame.

It is lame...

Of me for putting this off for so long.

What?

I can't believe how selfish I've been.

Crumpling up those letters every year just 'cause I can.

This is bigger than me.

I-I need to do a reunion for the fans.

I'm king James, the lion king.

June, what the hell? Why did you do that?

Why do you care so much whether or not James has a reunion?

Because the letters he gets from the cast are fake.

I'm the one who's been writing them

and sending them to him every year.

Vindaloo.

You've been writing fake letters every year?

Yes. See? I even used the same pen to sign all three names.

I spelled "Holmes" wrong. I should really try harder.

Why would you do this?

When James gets to turn down

Katie, Michelle, and Josh every year,

it makes him feel really powerful,

and on that day, I can ask him for anything in the world,

and he won't refuse me,

just like don corleone

on the day of his daughter's wedding in "the godfather."

There's nothing like tranq-ing a hot Austrian dude

and hearing the body fall.

Tranq sex... it's consensual.

You are so manipulative

and selfish.

Okay, that's true. I am.

But I'm also doing this for James.

He shouldn't relive the past by doing some stupid reunion show.

There's no point in looking back.

You have to move forward, like a shark

or a tranq dart.

Just because no one in the cast has initiated a reunion

doesn't mean that it is not a good idea.

I am going to make sure that it happens.

Well, I am going to make sure that it doesn't.

If we call Michelle first, then everyone else will get on board.

But we can't call Josh last

'cause I'm pretty sure he's in love with me.

I think you should call Katie first. I love her.

I've gone as her for the past eight halloweens.

No.

June, what are you doing?

Okay.

Making sure Chloe doesn't do anything sneaky

to try to stop you from making those phone calls.

She's clever and subtle,

like a cat.

She'll lurk in the shadows

and blend in with the background,

and then once she's lured you in to a false sense of security,

she'll quietly just...

No!

My beef isn't with you, Luther.

Thank you.

Oh!

That wasn't for anything. That was just for fun.

You shot me in the Booty.

Chloe, what the hell?!

Relax. It's just tranq darts.

I loaded them with 12 turkeys' worth of tryptophan.

She'll wake up in a few hours

and feel like she had nine Thanksgiving dinners.

What are those?

Shh. Shh. Shh. It's okay.

Make it stop. It's okay. It's over.

Is that the theme