The Simpsons

The Simpsons

D'oh!

I love Chinatown,

although I wish they'd stop picking on Tibet Town.

Ooh, it must be Chinese New Year.

People buy them when they're small and cute.

Then they flush them down the toilet.

Uh, yeah. I'll have the shark butt with butt sauce.

Bart! Excellent choice, sir.

How is the Feast of Twelve Delights with Triple Happiness Sauce?

Very disappointing.

Then I'll have the sweet and sour rice.

Oh, very good.

Would you like that with the fragrant bee bellies or the cat noses?

Neither, thank you.

Is there any way we can enhance

your dining experience by hurting an animal?

No!

Fortune cookies!

And now to read my fortune. "Geese can be troublesome."

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Oh. Fortune means geese cause problems.

Well, I knew that before I came in here.

A guy outside told me that.

"Every house has a bathroom."

Oh, these fortunes are terrible.

Is there a problem?

These fortunes are terrible.

They're supposed to predict stuff

and ease you through times of doubt and sickness.

Well, with all due respect, sir,

I suppose you could come up with better fortune?

Easy.

Well?

"You will be aroused by a shampoo commercial."

That's not bad. Come with me.

It's terrible! What am I doing here?

I should be in New York writing riddles on Popsicle sticks!

Then I'd be making a difference.

They ruined my best fortune.

I wrote, "Let a frown be your umbrella."

They change it to "smile."

A frown is a much better umbrella than a smile!

This gentleman here can write better fortunes

than all of you put together.

Show them. Okay, let's see...

"The price of stamps will climb ever higher."

Very profound.

He's like a young me!

Please! Yung Mee was a hack compared to this guy!

You're hired.

Let's see. "You will invent a humorous toilet lid."

"You will find true love on Flag Day."

"Your store is being robbed, Apu."

Are you getting all this, Lisa?

I don't know.

"You are a real winner."

That fortune really nailed me, and my winning ways.

"You will take a short sea voyage." Yarr! I'll enjoy that.

$14 and 10, 11, 12 cents. There you go.

You know, sir, tipping is customary.

Ooh! Me sorry! Me no speaky Chiny!

General Gao, you're a bloodthirsty fool,

but your chicken is delectable.

This cookie feels heavy, as if there's some paper inside.

Nice job, sir.

That was my thumb.

There seems to be some sort of communiqué!

It's your fortune, sir.

Capital!

"You will find true love on Flag Day." Why, it's Flag Day today.

True love at last!

Well, it's just you and me here, sir.

No time for jokes, Smithers.

Come along. We're going womanizing.

Oh, goody.

So I foreclosed on her mortgage and took her cats.

Oh, Monty. It's such a delight to talk to you.

I've gone five minutes without saying, "Well, I never!"

Excellent. Let me fetch you another Thomas Collins.

Damn that Pennybags!

Between him and Scrooge McDuck, all the best ankle is taken!

Perhaps there're some girls in here.

Great heavens!

It's one of those nude female fire stations!

I'd always be second place to some kitten stuck in a tree.

Let's go, Smithers. Smithers?

That fortune promised me true love.

This has been the worst Flag Day ever.

That constable is ticketing my car!

I told you we should've parked next to the curb.

Now, see here, Flatfoot!

My goodness. You're beautiful.

Oh, thanks, but I still gotta give you the ticket.

Of course you do. You can lift my wiper any day.

Is it still Flag Day?

For 12 more seconds, sir.

Miss, would you submit to a wooing by a gentleman caller?

Oh, I'm sorry, but you're really not my...

Well, okay.

O frabjous day! She said yes!

He'll pick you up at 7:00. Wear a petticoat.

Petticoat?

Here's a place that rents them.

It's about time Mr. Burns found a woman.

I can't stand to see a man single.

Some people enjoy being alone, Mom.

No. Everyone should be paired up.

It wasn't meant to be.

I've gotta be honest, Monty.

I've never dated anyone who knew Calvin Coolidge.

Well, I've never dated anyone with their original hair and teeth.

You're a nice guy, Monty. You're always laughing and tenting your fingers.

I like that.

Excellent.

And you're so upbeat. You think everything's excellent.

I really feel safe with you. It's like going out with my brother.

Yes! It's going great!

So, what are you into?

"Into"? Yeah.

Like, what's a fun day for 104-year-old?

Oh, I enjoy all the popular youth trends

like piloting motor coaches and collecting dog waste.

So, what shall we do tomorrow? Go grousing?

Or if you'd rather stay home, you could sing

while I accompany you on the clavichord.

Actually, Monty, I...

I've got some wonderful stereopticon images of the Crimean War.

Look, I had a lot of fun today,

but I don't think we're right for each other.

The age difference is just too...

Balderdash! It's not important how old you are on parchment.

It's how old you feel in the humors.

I'm sorry, Monty...

Stop that dog! It has my gum!

Look. There's one of my young chums now. You there!

Yes, Mr. Burns?

Tell my young sweetheart here of our youthful exploits.

Uh...

Play along, chubsy. There's a pie in it for you.

Oh! Yeah. Monty's a wild man!

Yeah! Whoa!

He ran his own casino,

stole the Loch Ness monster, got shot by a baby,

and blotted out the sun!

Wow. That was you?

So, shall I pick you up at 8:00?

Well...

Come on. He's a total player.

Okay. Stop kicking my door.

Well done, young man.

Your youthful trendiness will come in handy

throughout the courting process,

because these days, you...

Where did you get that pie?

Windowsill.

New underpants? Homer, what are you up to?

Burns wants me to come along on his date

to show him where hip young people go.

Well, don't look too hip. You don't want that girl falling for you.

You're right!

These would stop Joan Collins herself!

Drat! I wish that song were longer.

I've got to admit, you can really shake it.

Yes. That's totally voluntary.

So, you guys come here all the time?

Constantly.

When we're not being kicked out

for our rowdy youthful behavior, eh, pally?

Yep. No one's rowdier or more youthful than Old Man Burns!

You mean Young Man Burns.

Put my hand on her knee.

Yes, Mr. Burns.

I said her. And I said knee.

Oh! Sorry.

I'm going to make such love to you

that you'll forget all about Rudolph Valentino.

Turn left here.