Die Hochzeit

THE WEDDING

You two are so annoying! You're not right in the head.

It's 6 a.m. and I have a maths test at 10!

You behave like two teenagers. Two idiot teenagers!

Like two nerds who have

nothing better to do than slurp at each other.

So you each found the love of your life. So what?

Don't rub it in our faces.

From now on, revel in your love quietly, out of the public eye.

And no more absurd dancing! Okay?

Got it?

Morning!

Don't leave your crap lying around.

-They're not mine. -So these are Olli's, are they?

I have other problems, okay?

It's so sweet, you buy all the gear before starting something.

-How can I run without it? -You're right.

That'd be too simple.

-You don't want a fat, old husband. -But I already have a fat, old husband.

Just kidding! Kidding!

-We all get old and fat one day. -You, maybe.

Tell your daughter our kitchen isn't a wardrobe.

Of course, my love.

Mom says the kitchen isn't a wardrobe.

Tell it to her.

-Mom says the kitchen isn't a wardrobe. -Tell the parking meter.

-Parking meter? -Oh, God!

So, now you know.

-Seen my heart rate monitor? -Why do you need one?

-Athletes monitor their heart rate. -Yeah, I get that.

-But why do you? You don't have a pulse. -Very funny.

Oh, for pills against puberty! I'd put them in your muesli.

Heart failure is the leading cause of death among the elderly.

Who you calling elderly? I'm not even 50 yet!

-What's wrong? -Nothing.

-Lenny dumped her. -Shut it!

-It's true. -What?

Oh, Sarah!

-Did he break up with you? -Via WhatsApp!

-Not even a voice message. -Not even a voice message?

Have you all gone crazy?

I had planned a fishing trip this weekend!

I bought a tent for you, me and Lenny.

I don't understand!

Things were great between us.

Got to go.

Now we know why he broke up with you.

At the last meeting I gave you both some homework to do.

I did all of it. I totally... rediscovered my wife's body.

It helps when you know what to look for.

The main problem is he's always discontent.

I can't help my life being shitty!

-You're shouting again. -I'm not!

-Andreas. - I know.

Deep breaths.

-What about you get rid of the gum? -Why?

Because it's extremely impolite.

-Happy? -Think it was easy for me?

Coming back after our separation to try again?

I wonder if it was the biggest mistake of my life.

-I'm your biggest mistake? -You're not listening.

You had an orgasm! Just two days ago!

I had a cramp in my back!

A cramp?

It seems like our sessions here have paid nicely for your pension plan.

-You could say something constructive! -Yeah.

-Here. -What's that? A bonus card?

Free sessions from the third marriage?

It's the business card of a very good mediator.

That's for people who've given up hope!

Precisely. He really is very good.

There must be easier ways to die.

-How are wedding preparations? -Linda's trying on dresses.

-Tanja sold hers on eBay. -Hey, you tried. It didn't work out.

But screwing up doesn't feel right.

You both screwed up. Now you're both free.

-You can start all over again. -Right.

My mom was the happiest I've seen her the day my dad died.

What did he die of?

Mom backed out of the garage. Didn't see him.

You're Tommy Schilling, aren't you?

Can I get an autograph?

-We're jogging. -It'll be quick. Wife, pen.

Quick!

-For Wulfgang, please. -Wulfgang or Wolfgang?

Wulfgang, with "O", like Wulfgang Petry. The guy with the bracelets.

Oh, brilliant. Thanks! Have a good one.

My record label. The reviews of my new album are out.

Okay, Danny-boy, let's hear the rave reviews!

There's not one good review.

It's a carnage.

They're shredding you. You're paying for your success.

Do me a favor. Don't read that crap.

Get over here!

-Well? -Yeah...

It's... okay?

Okay?

Nobody wants to look "okay" on their wedding day.

I may as well wear a track suit.

That dress bunches out weirdly.

Only in the middle here.

Is it too much to ask to be gorgeous for just one day?

Then you should have married ten years ago.

My dear Linda!

This gift

welcomes you to our family.

Thank you.

That deadbeat, that sissy,

that knobhead!

I'll fire that pansy. That tosspot!

-Who are you talking about? -You, you twong.

I play arenas. My face is on buses.

-Why don't they like me now? -Tommy!

You used to make people get up and dance.

- Warned you about the chilled stuff. -I moved on.

-Okay? -That's exactly what people can't stand.

Tiger Dre, the rapper, made a lovely album.

Kids' songs. Heard of it?

-No. -You see?

Tiger Dre! Maybe it'll sell better when I go on tour again.

Yeah, speaking about the tour...

Tickets aren't selling?

-Maybe we should stick to small venues. -What do you mean, small?

Know the civic center in Bad Soden-Allendorf?

It's disabled accessible. With full seating.

Don't look so gloomy. A few autograph sessions will help.

-I've had requests from malls. -Malls?

Malls.

-Take me home. -Where's my wedding invitation?

-Get going. I have other problems. -Can I bring my little girl?

-Beautiful! -Well, I'm not so sure.

It almost suits you more than it suited me.

When my groom saw me wearing that, he shed tears of joy.

Or he just shed tears.

-We should get rid of it. -It's probably hazardous waste.

We must get her orthopedic shoes.

Or no one will see her.

-Listen... -Mom!

Birgit, it's kind of you...

I had it dyed especially.

Virginal white at your age! We don't want guests to start laughing.

-Let's get you out of this. -Good idea.

-It won't budge. Hold your tummy in. -Yes!

-Give us a twirl. -Yeah.

Like I said: beautiful!

Like a North Korean military parade!

There's surely asbestos in this thing.

There's no asbestos!

I'm going to have tea. Or a gin and tonic. That'd be better.

Can you bring me one too?

I hold out my hand to you

The ground beneath your feet dissolves

An abyss before us, what do we do?

Everything we knew is gone

I'm clinging to the edge, hold tight to me

I'll pull us out, hold tight to me

Beatbox!

-Beatbox? -Beatbox.

- I can't do beatbox. -Do it!

What?

Can you do any better?

Where did you learn that?

Can you play guitar better than me too?

No, but I can do this.

Tickle!

-What's wrong with you? -Sorry. I thought...

What?

It's okay to kiss your girlfriend's best friend?

- I broke up with Sarah. -What? Why?

Did you screw up?

-You've got someone else? -It depends.

It depends? What does it depend on?

Stop looking sad and start talking.

I need some information.

I'm...

No, no, no. You can't be serious.

Lili, I...

Lili?

Sarah, I didn't...

-No, you shut up now. Sarah! -Lili... Lili!

Sarah, wait!

Shit!

-You okay? -Just the ugly lanterns.

-Lanterns? -Housewarming gift from your mom.

-Hallelujah! - I can stop hanging them when she comes.

What... What are you doing in here?

-Calming down. -From what?

-Your mom. -What happened?

How is your new album going?

-It flopped. -Oh, no! Tommy!

Everyone hates it.

-Not everyone. I think it's great. -You think everything I do is great.

-I wouldn't go that far. - I think everything about you is great.

That's a different matter. I cannot be faulted.

-Well... -What do you mean?

Well, I have to say, looking at you, your taste in wedding dresses is crappy.

-This was your mother's! -No way!

Yes, she forced me to try it on!

-Hey, Jette! -Hey, Andi!

I inherited 62 million.