The Big Bang Theory

Okay, I'm zeroing out the electro-osmotic flow rate

in the micro-fluidic channel.

Nicely done, Howard.

Well, my wife is four-foot-ten and sexually satisfied,

so clearly I know my way around tiny things.

Good for you, on the cutting edge of new technology

and still making inappropriate comments

about the mother of your child.

Those are just the things I say out loud.

Gentlemen, we need to stop immediately.

What's wrong?

I'm looking at the math,

and I think we can make the device

between eight and ten percent smaller.

That's great, but the air force approved the specs.

We're good to go.

Yeah. It doesn't need to be smaller.

Shame on you.

Where would we be if poodle breeders had that attitude?

I'll tell you.

We would have the standard and the miniature poodle,

but no toy or teacup.

Which by the way,

is not an officially recognized breed,

but that's just poodle politics.

Can we please stop talking about poodles?

Fine. Candy bars.

Now, do you enjoy a fun size? I know you do.

Sheldon, we don't need to make this smaller.

Your work is done. Go home.

I don't want to go home.

Fine, go for a little walk.

Then what?

Just keep walking.

At least it's quiet when he takes bathroom breaks.

I know.

That's why I keep refilling his water when he's not looking.

You're kidding.

I don't care if we're in a drought, it's worth it.

You know, I-i do have a way to get him out of our hair.

I've been holding onto this for a few years,

but maybe now's the time.

W-we can just lock the door; You don't have to kill him.

You can't kill him; He'll just respawn at the last save point.

Oh, that was my sixth trip to the bathroom.

As long as that's not a urinary tract infection,

that's a personal best.

Hey, uh, buddy, I got you a little present.

Really?

Yeah. Go ahead, open it.

"Congratulations.

"The bearer of this certificate is entitled

"to the ultimate train experience

"at the Nevada northern railway.

"You are at the throttle.

"You are the engineer.

You are running the locomotive."

This doesn't happen very often,

but here comes a hug.

Oh, dear! I have to tinkle again!

Okay. Where were we?

For Howie's occupation,

should I include that he was an astronaut?

Well, he mentioned it in his mother's eulogy, so why not?

I can't believe you have to fill out

a preschool application for an infant.

Uh, the one at Caltech has a crazy wait list.

I warned you, a lot of people apply

when they're still pregnant. Well, I didn't.

I also skipped a birthing class to see zootopia, so back off.

Whoa. Just trying to help.

Sorry. Howie's back at work and there's just so much going on.

Is there anything we can do?

Sure. Open up a college fund,

shop for life insurance, and in the laundry room,

there's a mountain of dirty laundry.

Wash it or burn in, your choice.

Ugh, be right back.

No, no. I will take care of it.

Oh, thank you.

While I'm gone, you can think about

how mean you were to me.

All right, you know what you need?

A night away from all of this.

You know, where you can just kind of relax and...

I'm just gonna... turn this off.

Much better.

Seriously, let's plan a night,

you know, give you a break.

We could go dancing.

That sounds really nice. Amy: Oh.

All this week, the early music society of Pasadena

is doing a joint concert

with the San Gabriel renaissance choir.

Okay, that's the one to beat.

Good luck.

People have been saying that for 600 years.

Hey, you're home early.

You'll never believe it.

Leonard gave me the most incredible gift,

a trip to a historic railway,

and I get to operate an actual locomotive.

Wow. He finally used it.

What'd you do?

No idea.

All I know is I'm gonna be working on the railroad

all the livelong day.

Well, I'm really happy for you.

Oh, no. It's not just me. No.

The railway is four hours from the nearest airport,

and guess who gets to drive me.

I give up.

You!

No. I really give up.

Oh, oh. And guess where we get to sleep?

Our choice of a turn-of-the-century

railway bunkhouse

or a working caboose.

Now, the problem with a caboose is there's no bathroom,

but the problem with the bunkhouse is it's not a caboose.

On the first day,

I get to drive a steam engine.

Oh, and the second day, a diesel engine.

Oh, and

if I volunteer to do track maintenance

and paperwork, they'll let me stay as long as I want.

So you might want to pack

enough clothes for the rest of our lives.

Can I pee now?

Oh, get this!

I get to take a test based on a 125-page manual.

I get to learn things like hand signals. Ooh.

There's forward, uh, reverse,

set the brakes.

Are you done yet?

You're missing some great stuff out here.

Oh, this is good.

There are dozens of railroad crossings

you have to blow the whistle for.

But that is the figurative you, not the literal you.

I'll be blowing the whistle.

Amy, get up. It's time to go to work.

This train thing worked out better than I thought.

He's home studying the engineer's manual.

It's so peaceful without him here.

Can I ask you how much that cost?

$4,000... worth every penny.

Gentlemen.

Colonel Williams. Sir.

Just wanted to see how

the guidance system's coming along.

Great. We found a cooling solution

that allowed us to get the size of the prototype

down to the target specs.

As a cooling solution, it's pretty cool.

Don't do that.

What's this?

Oh, nothing. Just some math we don't need.

This is a different approach.

Are you trying to get the guidance system even smaller?

It's just a theory.

Uh, it's not even worked out.

Oh.

I want this.

But we've already met the agreed upon specs.

Going smaller would require weeks' worth

of new computations.

So get the kid with the two shirts to do it.

Sir, uh, I-if I may, uh, we've put a lot

of thought and effort into this current prototype.

It's a really elegant solution,

and most importantly, it works.

Yeah, I want this.

But that's just a theory.

It's not even a complete thought.

You both make excellent points.

And thank you for presenting it so articulately.

Make this.

The kid with the two shirts screwed us again.

All right. You guys ready to get crazy?

Well, the bra under here ain't beige.

Koothrappali: Okay.

You ladies have fun tonight.

Don't worry about Halley. Uncle Stuart's on the job.

Under the careful supervision of her godfather.

My apologies. I didn't mean to offend you, don corleone.

Like I said, you ladies have fun.

We will. Got my dancing shoes, got my breast pump.

Let's party.

You know, if you pump at the bar,

I promise we'll get free drinks.

Call if there's any problems.

No. She's busy. You call Howard.

Got it.

Call me. Don't call Howard.

I would never call Howard.

Okay, instead of arguing all night,

let's just split up the baby chores.

Yeah, great. Um, I'll put food in her top half,

you deal with whatever comes out the bottom.