2 Broke Girls

Earl, I told you to mop the entrance.

That floor is dirtier than Bob Saget

at a Comedy Central roast.

You know what it sounds like you need, cranky lady?

A Midol and a Dove bar.

You watch it, too, Oleg.

Like Earl's hip, you can be replaced.

Have you noticed since Max and Caroline have been away,

Han is getting a little big for his bitches?

Did I say bitches?

'Cause I meant to.

I will not be bossed around by someone

40 years younger than me.

He is not my second wife.

I am calling diner security.

What's up, Earl?

I mean, besides your blood pressure.

When are you coming back?

We're coming back tomorrow night.

Caroline's about to sign the movie contract,

which means I don't have to come home UPS Ground.

Are you on the phone with the diner?

I feel like I can smell it.

I don't think any of us

are gonna make it past tomorrow.

Han's been walking around like he owns the place.

I do own the place!

Boy, Uber drivers do not like to be tickled.

And speaking of things no one would see coming,

I used the F-word with Randy.

Who wouldn't see that coming?

You use the F-word all the time...

usually around children or clergy.

No, the F-word as in "future."

Max, you made plans for the future?

You won't even make dinner plans with me.

You always say, "Who knows if we'll still be friends by then?"

Well, you always ask me, like, five hours ahead of time.

Max, I'm gonna go ahead and use the C-word.

I'm calling you and Randy a couple.

I'm gonna say something,

and I don't want it to go to your head.

You're right, bitch.

See, Max, it all worked out,

right up until what I'm about to say right now.

We have to take the shuttle to the airport tomorrow,

'cause we're still poor for another 27 business days.

Let's go out in style and get a party bus.

After all these years, we still have

such different concepts of style.

Come on!

With a stripper pole

and a Crock-Pot of cocktail weenies.

I danced on a party bus for a year,

not for money.

We are not taking a party bus.

This isn't your super sweet 16.

I didn't have a sweet 16.

I was in plumbing school.

Hey, everybody.

I don't know what's going on,

but people on the elevator were looking at me funny.

Sophie!

What?

Do I have spinach in my teeth?

Uh, no spinach, but about 25 needles stuck in your face.

Yeah, they're helping me get pregnant.

My healer Audra sent me to Mao,

the acupuncturist to the stars.

Yep, he's poked more famous people than John Mayer.

Sophie, you're not supposed to leave with those needles,

just like we're not supposed to leave with these vases.

Tell you what, I'm gonna do what I used to do

for my Aunt Becky at the Elks Lodge.

I'm gonna get some pricks out of your face.

Max, do you think Randy invited me to dinner

to witness him asking you to be bi-coastal?

'Cause I don't think this mascara's waterproof,

and I'm definitely gonna cry

happy and a few jealous tears.

I'm never been bi-coastal.

I was bisexual for a week,

but that's mostly because I was hitchhiking.

There they are.

Oh, this is the table where we first met,

and you thought I was a cheap hooker.

And you were only half right.

Here they come, more jealous than I expected.

Let's celebrate.

It's a big night for both of you.

Caroline, your movie deal closed,

and Max, I found your sock.

It was under my refrigerator.

Oh, that makes sense.

I was trying to fish an M&M out from under there

with a fishing hook I made with a fork and my sock.

I was so excited about getting the M&M

that I abandoned the sock.

Max, you know you don't have to eat candy

that fell on the floor anymore.

I still will, but it's nice to know I don't have to.

Oh, my God, your whole life is changing.

We're just waiting for someone else.

Oh, no, did you invite a guy for me?

I wish I'd known,

'cause I only shaved up to the bottom of my dress.

It's not a date for you.

It's someone here for me and Max.

Wow, I don't usually bring up threesomes

till the one-month mark when things start to go stale.

Oh, definitely wasn't picturing this guy.

Hello, I'm Elliot Charles.

Okay, two first names, slightly more interesting.

So doing the orgy math here, there's four of us,

and out of the four, Max and I can't touch naked.

Her rule, not mine.

Oh, I'm not here in a sexual capacity.

I'm Randy's therapist.

And I guess we should get started.

I do have a 9:00 in the valley.

A 13-year-old girl is coming out to her vegan parents

as meat-curious.

Um, what's happening?

Look, Max... Elliot?

Look, Max, my patient, Randy,

is breaking up with you.

What?

Max, I know this sounds abrupt.

Elliot?

Max, in my practice, I developed

the ripping-the-Band-Aid-off technique.

You'll read about it in my book someday,

if I ever finish it,

but that's between me and my therapist.

He's not speaking to me right now

because of a couch spill.

And I'd be mad as hell about it

if I didn't completely understand it!

And now, again, what's happening?

Because it seems like you're breaking up with me

using a therapist.

It does seem that way.

Elliot?

He is breaking up with you using a therapist.

Look, Randy?

Caroline.

Look, Elliot, you tell Randy to be a grown-up

and break up with her over text.

At least send her a "Bye, Felicia" bitmoji.

- Let's go. - Max, don't go like this.

Elliot, don't let Max go like this.

Max, you're hurt.

You're feeling abandoned.

What would be really helpful to you right now

is my book, if I can just get one chapter on paper.

I think people would benefit a lot from the book.

Well, we're leaving.

This is shocking,

and it's really hard to shock me

since that time I saw a mouse

dry-humping a potato on my couch.

You know what?

You can keep my sock.

On second thought, I need it.

Max, wait.

I am just gonna go, because the last time

I was this mad, someone lost an eyebrow.

And it took me a long time

to grow it back.

Thank you.

Max, hurry!

We have to leave now to take Sophie to the healer

and still be at the airport by noon.

I brushed your hair when you were passed out.

I can't move any faster.

I think this escalator's broken.

I tried to stop you from drinking bottle number 32,

which was sriracha.

But you tied me to that chair so well.

Well, since drinking that hot sauce,

I've been tied to a different chair.

I have something to make you feel better.

I doubt it.

Unless it's a diaper full of ice.

It's not that. I'll meet you outside.

Okay, okay, remember that party bus

I never wanted and you probably don't want now?

- Surprise! - Good timing.

I'm feeling suicidal, and I've always wanted

to be buried in something like this.

Aw, come on, Max, cheer up.

You're getting two poles for the price of one.

This is the first time a party bus

hasn't fixed every problem I have.

Well, you haven't seen

my "Stars and Stripes Forever" routine.

[hums John Sousa's "Stars and Stripes Forever"]

Um, Bert, is this rum

supposed to have a cigarette butt in it?

If you gonna puke, please aim for the floor.