Night Court

-The People versus Glorivette Sinclair.

Of the Sinclair family?

You're one of the oldest families in Manhattan.

It was your idea to put in a bridge.

That was our first mistake.

-She's being charged with stealing

an umbrella from a bodega.

-Judge, the defendant has millions

but can't resist her urge for more.

I get it. It's not about the stealing.

It's about the rush.

-Your Honor, my client was clearly framed.

Why would someone with everything

steal this pathetic excuse for an umbrella?

Someone's playing a trick on me,

and I'm not going to be a good sport about it.

Ah-choo!

Oh, no. The trick is spreading.

Ooh, Nebraska! Heck, yeah!

Now I got all 50 states.

I'll give you a hankie,

but I get 10% of what you blow out.

This isn't mine. What am I, a nun?

-Oh, no. Please tell me it's not...

'Tis I, Starla the Great.

Ooh!

You like what you see, Stretch?

What am I seeing?

-This is Starla, my dad's old magician's assistant.

So, if you need anything pointed at, it's her only skill.

-Aren't you gonna introduce me to your friends, Abracadabra?

Or is that hard to do with an egg in your mouth?

Don't be amazed.

-Please crack and a baby chick come out.

Please crack and a baby chick come out!

Oh!

I love working here!

I can't stand that woman.

Every couple of years, poof!

She pops into my life like some stupid rabbit out of a hat.

She always needs something. -I do know the type.

With me, it's my step-cousin, Ira.

He only reaches out when he needs a ride to the hospital.

And I'm like, "Ira, you're a doctor.

If you can't drive yourself to work,

you should not be delivering babies."

-My dad was always bailing her out.

When I was a kid, I thought the county jail was her house,

and she just liked dressing like her roommates.

-I don't know, she seems like she could be kind of fun.

I mean, in a campy, salacious, melodramatic,

limited series sort of way.

-Don't fall for her act. She's all smoke and mirrors.

That's called misdirection.

That's called mediocre.

What do you want, Starla?

I just wanted to give you this.

-One of my dad's old magic boxes?

Oh, I remember these from when I was a kid.

Where did you get this? -I got it at a mirage sale.

It's like a garage sale, but for magic stuff.

-I would never trust a secondhand dove.

You never know where people put them.

-What's the catch? I told you,

I can't be the volunteer for the sawing-in-half bit.

My head doesn't reach the top of the box.

-I just wanted you to have it. -Aww.

And I didn't get you anything. -Aww.

Because I don't like you.

-Alright, well, I'm going to hit the road

as soon as I find that baby chick.

-You kept that baby chick, didn't you?

Don't look at me like that.

She imprinted on me.

-You know, I've dabbled in a little magic myself.

Observe.

Magic.

If this was olden times,

I would have burned you at the stake.

-Nah, I learned some sleight-of-hand

when I was in lockup.

You know, it passes the time while you're waiting

for your toilet wine to ferment.

-The Kleenex is in her sleeve. -Hey, you ruined my trick.

-You know, Wyatt, you've been a real buzzkill.

Like when you told me croutons are just stale bread.

What?

I thought they were fat crackers.

I'm not a buzzkill.

I've just seen the light.

I mean, after years of trying,

I realized when you reach for the stars,

life kicks you right in the moon.

So, from now on, I'm living in the middle.

No highs, no lows. Just comfortably numb.

-You don't find any joy in anything?

I mean, not in a sunset or an amazing meal or...

Or a gentle kiss in the dark from a stranger?

Yes, yes, and yes.

No, no, and hell, no.

To see the beauty of a sunset,

you also have to see the pollution.

That amazing meal is clogging my arteries.

And a kiss in the dark from a stranger

is just giving me herpes.

-Wyatt, I can't be around this kind of negative energy.

No, clinically speaking, I am just hanging on by a thread

and, uh, your frownies are dangerously close

to making it fray.

-And that makes me feel nothing because this is who I am now.

-Mark my words, by the end of tonight,

I will have awakened the flame within you

that ignites the bonfire of your soul.

Bonfire?

That sounds like some high flames.

I'm in the middle. Lukewarm for life.

This reminds me of that time

you tried to wrestle that floating Twix

from the vending machine.

You got my hopes up for nothing that day.

-I'm trying to figure out how to open it.

If you turn the dials the right way,

a fun surprise pops out.

I'm hoping for a family heirloom,

but I will settle for a gumball.

Did that do anything? -Besides making me wish

I had never come in here?

Make yourself useful.

There's a dial on the other side.

Maybe if we line it up at the same time.

-Alright, alright, fine, I'll help.

It better not be wet in there.

You know, when you think about it,

it's a pretty thoughtful gift that Starla gave you here.

You sound just like my dad.

He was always defending her.

So she did one nice thing.

Doesn't make up for the time her prop comic boyfriend

smashed my birthday cake with a mallet.

-The classics are the classics for a reason.

-I didn't even get to make a birthday wish.

If it wasn't for Starla, I'd be able to whistle.

Stupid Starla.

-Turn yours all the way to the right.

I think that I turned...

Did that just clamp down on your arm?

-Yep. Yours? -Yep.

-What were you saying about this being a thoughtful gift?

-I don't know what to tell you, man.

Your wallet is glitter now.

-Here she is. -Oh, okay.

Oh.

Hey, kitten.

I thought you might be showing up.

And you brought your leggy friend.

-Yes, Abby and I are inseparable lately.

Now, you want to tell me why, you velour nutbag?

-It's nothing sinister. It's just a fun little box.

And if you don't do what I say, you'll stay in there forever.

What do you want, Starla?

-Oh, what every modern woman wants --

a good dry cleaner who does velvet capes

and your dad's magic journal.

-Why would I ever give you that?

-Because our hands are locked in a box.

-That book has all the best tricks that I did with Harry.

It is my ticket to becoming a real magician,

which is a thing that would have happened by now

had you not come along.

-I'm the reason you're still an assistant?

I think you spent too much time in that water tank.

-Your father and I were poised for stardom,

and I was just about to make a leap

from being an assistant to the one who gets to talk

when your mother made her birth control disappear.

-I understand we all rue the day that she was born,

but...about my freedom.

-You're wasting your time, Starla.

I have no idea where my dad's journal is.

-Well, if I were you, I would start looking for it fast,

because at some point,

one of you is going to have to go to the bathroom.

Ta-ta!

It doesn't always work.

Smoke. Smoke. Smoke. Smoke.

-Now that she said bathroom, I do have to go.

Follow the sound of my voice.

-If this is a kiss from a stranger, I want out.

-Welcome to a world of awe in amazement.

Flobert, lights.

-If this is you trying to ignite the bonfire of my soul...

sure, I've got a few minutes.

They're fixing the microwave.

We discussed the best way

to reawaken your sense of wonder.

Would you be wowed by nature, technology,

or the limitless and erotic possibilities

of the human body?

Gurgs, unleash the power of nature.

-Behold the Middlemist's red camellia,