Workaholics

- (man cries out) - Can I help you?

Oh! Oh!

Ders, I didn't know anybody else was in here, man.

You scared the crap out of me.

The shower's running, Karl.

Did you catch it?

Ha! You didn't get it. It was a joke.

- (laughs) - Get out now.

Oh, my God, come on, man.

I flushed my hacky sack down there.

I got to get my hacky sack back, jack.

Fine. And then get out of here.

Jesus. Thank God I come from plumbing stock.

Mammy and Grambo were two of the best.

Oh, my... Dude! You put your dookie in there.

- You said it was a hacky sack. - Well, yeah.

I had to take a crap, and the sink was too high, man.

Come on, what do you expect?

I hate you. Get out. Give me the monkey-wrench thing.

- Fine. Give it a shot. - Oh, my God!

Well, as long as we get this thing unclogged

before my party, I'll be fine.

Wait. What party? Ow! Oh.

- I just loosened something. - Yeah, you did.

Oh!

Oh, my hacky sack. Nice, dude. Thank you.

- Man, it smells like farts. - I don't smell farts.

We are not throwing a party for Karl!

What are you talking about? Karl's episode

of Cheaters is re-airing. You know the one,

where he gets caught munching that married chick's carp.

You loved that party last year.

Remember all those star-fugger chicks were, like,

"Oh! Oh!" like, ready.

They didn't actually make that noise,

But they were throwing out the vibe.

Yeah, they were throwing that vibe.

It was more of a vibe than a noise.

Okay, yes, we are definitely gonna have this party.

I'm hoping this year to have some, like, intercourse,

'cause last year I just had, like, a ton of outercourse.

So I'm hoping to get inside this time.

- I believe in you. - Thank you.

All right, hold up, hold up.

You guys want to (bleep) my fan club,

That's totally cool with me. That's legitimate.

But you better not run out of snacks

like you did last time, okay?

I'm not showing up unless you guys get me

a giant popcorn tin with three flavors of popcorn...

Caramel, cheddar,

and whatever else comes in it.

- Popcorn diva. - He's changed.

Yeah, TV changed a man.

But you know what that means.

We got to go snack shopping.

- Yeah. - And, Ders...

Wearing a towel like a woman...

That's funny, dude!

- Pretty good, right? - Yes.

I was getting out of the shower, I looked in the mirror,

I was like, "Just do it."

What the hell?

- Who stole all the snacks? - You know what?

I bet it was us... The other day.

- Freak! - Oh, cool, a clif bar.

I'd rather jump off one than eat one of those disgusting things!

- Right? - They suck. They're dry.

Let's go talk to Alice about how pissed we are!

Got a bone to pick.

I'm actually gonna eat this.

These aren't as bad as I said earlier.

Oh, God! Do you not knock?

The break room has been robbed.

There are thieves in our midst.

Yes. And we, the dudes, have the right to bear snacks.

That's right, so gummi bears, Teddy Grahams,

honey, salmon, caesar...

And they have those really good ones with the white bag,

With the frosting and the sprinkles.

Okay, listen up, everyone.

Okay, I am sick and tired

of hearing about the goddamn break room.

- Yep. - "Oh, where's my jell-o?"

"Waymond's putting his fingers in my peanut butter."

Choose someone to be in charge of the snacks,

And I will give them my Costco card, the end.

Never fear, Monteezy is here.

Colleen got me on this new-age diet, and I'm looking two words: Dee licious.

- You look horrible. - Yeah. Still...

- You look really bad. - Listen,

I say we take the break room, and we "healthify" this bitch.

You know, I used to be like, "Oh, hell, kale?"

Now I'm like, "Oh, hell, kale!"

- He said the same thing. - And these juice cleanses...

Got my skin glowing like Paula Abdul.

I'll (bleep) to that.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop the clock.

Okay, check yourself before you elect yourself.

We're gonna have a proper election happening here.

Okay, who else is gonna run?

We will, like, together as, like...

Like, we'll be combined, like Voltron,

Except for we're not gonna run.

We're gonna sprint, like Usain Bolt-ron.

What?

How did I think of that? That was so good.

That was so good. That was smart of me.

I was like Jay-Z.

If you could just excuse us for one second.

- That was amazing. - Thank you.

But we can't elect ourselves because they're gonna know

we're stealing the snacks, you dig?

But, dude, did you hear? The Costco card, man...

That's, like, bulk snacks, samplers, bulk booze.

Kirkland!

- Kirkland. - Kirkland.

- You know about that. It's so good. - I know about that.

Best vodka. Yeah, I rep Kirkland.

Here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna elect Jillian.

That way, we'll tell her what to buy.

We'll steal from her. It wont come back to us.

- We'll be geniuses. She'll be... - Yeah.

She'll be like Elmo, and we'll be that

allegedly black pervert dude with our hand up her butt.

- Yeah. - I'm gonna unhuddle now.

Guys, so for the election that I was talking about,

We elect Jillian.

Whoo! Wait. What?

No. No, no, no, no. I'm sorry.

Whenever I'm given responsibility,

I turn into a crazy person, and I am not crazy.

You are, though, right?

Hey, we are your campaign team, okay?

Uh, Blake will be your image consultant, all right?

And, uh, Adam... Political advisor.

Hi-de-ho, good neighbor.

And I'll be campaign manager, of course, okay?

Why do you get to be campaign manager, huh?

That doesn't sound like teamwork, Ders.

I'm taking a leadership role, okay?

- You can't spell it without "Ders". - You can't spell "it" without "Ders"?

I-T. I just did.

I guess I'm a freakin' genius.

Anders, do you now know how to spell "it"?

Yeah, are you an it-iot?

It-iot. I-t-o-t.

Leadership!

Okay, whatever, man. Fine. I'll be the political advisor.

I'll 'vise the shib out of your ads.

That's something I'm willing to do.

But in return, we need to do something for me

Using my strength and my muscles.

I shall be head security detail.

I would love that. I'd feel a lot safer with that.

Cool, 'cause I know a lot more about protecting people!

- Whoa! - Whoa, Waymond.

Running security. So, if you have any issues...

You're looking good. Dust it off.

He's shook.

Well, don't be a bitch about it, you know?

Okay, politics are all about image, right?

That's why we got you looking like the porn star from "Nailin' Palin."

- You look great. - Here, final touch...

Put these chicken cutlets in your boob cups.

- Go ahead. - You think this is a good idea?

Oh, yeah, you kidding me?

Big titties... they command respect.

Yeah, you got to have at least those Kat Dennings upstairs

to get anywhere in this world.

- Okay? - Yes.

What's his name?

Um, what's, uh, your name again?

- Gil. - Gil.

- Okay, his name is Gil. - Okay.

- He works here. - Here?

Yeah. How about that?

Hey, Gil. My name is Gillian Belk,

And I work here too. No, I'm sorry... Jillian.

I'm Jillian Bleck. Nope. Blelk.

Blocks. My name's Bling...

Don't... just start from the top.

- Uh... My name's Lennon. - Just start over.

I can't. I'm gonna throw up.

Hi, Bill. My name is Jillian Belk.

And I'll shop for you.

That's my slogan. I thought of it.

Just make sure you buy lots of fruity pebbles, okay?

They're bomb-dot-com.

Yeah, I'm gonna need to take these for testing.

Make sure there's no ricin.

Mmm. No, don't taste any rice in it,

But I'm gonna keep these for testing... Ist's a security thing.

Let me get some of those, man. They're so good.

That's my lunch, you troll!

What did you say?

Come on. Come on.

Ugh!

You should, like, come hang out with us sometime, man.

Yeah, that'd be cool.