A Nun's Curse

I would see Sister Monday everywhere I looked.

I would see her standing in the dark corners of my room.

I wouldn't dare step foot off the bed until morning

because I knew she was hiding under my bed

waiting for the perfect opportunity to grab my feet

and pull me under.

If my closet door was cracked,

I would swear she was inside watching me sleep.

Oh, how long are we supposed to hang out here, Gabby?

Just let her take her pictures.

I promised mom I would let Ashley-Kae

do something she wanted to do.

So, does your sister wanna be an archeologist

- or something? - Yeah,

what, is she looking for a bone?

You go to school with her, Michael.

Don't you know her interests?

Really, I'm just in her psychology class.

Oh really, is that why you're here?

I mean, I think I'm her friend.

I just didn't know that she likes old churches.

She just likes photography, and history, and dumb stuff.

Besides, the only way my parents would let us use

the vacay house this weekend is if I brought her along.

So, why don't you both just deal with it.

So, how long is this going to take?

She has stops planned all the way up to Asheville,

so why don't you pump the breaks.

It's gonna be a while.

Um, hey, I'm her friend.

Maybe I can speed things up.

'Cause I'm ready to par-tay!

Come on.

We are gathered here today

to get through this thing called life.

Yeah, how will we get through this weekend?

Michael, you're ruining my shot.

And you're ruining the weekend, per usual.

So, what's the story about this place, Ash?

- It's an old church. - You know,

if you're gonna drag us along

your tour of abandoned roadside junk,

the least you could do is give us some history.

I mean, it's been a while since your sister and I

were in college, but I still enjoy a good lesson.

I'll teach you a good lesson later.

Sorry, Anthony, there are no tits or alcohol

involved in this story, so you wouldn't be interested.

I wanna know, serious.

This is Old Horse Creek Church.

It used to be a convent, and about 30 nuns lived here

until a mysterious fire burned it down in 1945.

Mysterious fire?

1945, back then everyone used fucking torches for lights.

Mystery solved.

All the nuns were either moved to other convents

or assigned different duties in surrounding cities.

But there was one nun, Sister Monday,

who took a job at a nearby prison.

Sister Monday is the most remembered

of all the nuns that lived here.

She's always been obsessed with the nuns.

It's like a sickness.

So, what made Sister Monday so remembered?

Because she was accused of killing prisoners

while they were at the jail serving out their sentences.

So, she was one bad mother.

Boo.

The prisoners begged for mercy.

They got

none.

Hey.

You know, the prison she was assigned to

isn't too far from here.

It's right through those woods, actually.

Always wanted to go there

and see what it looks like in person.

Well, too bad we gotta get back on the road, so, can't.

Let's go.

Fuck.

What?

I don't have the keys.

Where'd you put them?

Uh, up your ass.

- Why are you such an asshole? - What's wrong?

Anthony lost the keys, and the doors are locked.

I didn't lose the keys.

I probably dropped them at the church.

I'll go check.

Great.

We just had to stop in the middle of nowhere

so Little Inspector Gadget could do her investigation.

Don't blame me because your boyfriend lost his keys.

Oh, who should I blame then?

The nuns?

- Ooh, the scary nuns. - Shut up.

Why is it impossible for you to have normal interests?

We are literally out here in the middle of nowhere

at some burned-down church

so you can take picture of your nun obsession.

Oh yeah, Gabby.

I should totally be more like you and obsessed with dicks.

Maybe if you were, you wouldn't be so jelly of me.

- Jelly? - Yeah.

Look, I know I'm the favorite of the parentals,

but you can't blame that shit on me.

Yeah, you're right.

- Nothing is your fault, ever. - Not it isn't,

and now it's starting to rain.

Hey.

- Guys, it's, it's cool. - No, it's not cool.

I looked for the keys, I found none.

- Stop with the puns. - Great.

So now what?

Well, we could stand around here

- and wait for help to arrive. - No.

I'm not getting a signal.

Frick it.

Look, we can walk to the next town for help,

or at least get out of the storm.

Well, we're losing light here.

It's gonna be dark soon.

Hey, that town where the jail is, is it far from here?

No.

We can make a beeline toward through those woods.

We can stay there the night and find help in the morning.

So, you just wanna leave the car

and go hiking through the woods

to find an abandoned haunted jail to take shelter in?

Sounds like a great idea.

Wait a minute, a, a haunted jail?

No one said it was haunted.

All right, if we're doing this, let's do it.

There it is.

Oh wow, that's, uh, that's it, huh?

Yeah, come on.

Wait, like how do we even know we can get in?

The rain is coming.

Yeah, we need to get inside, so...

Hey, maybe we should go back to the car

just in case someone to stops to see if we're okay.

Uh, yeah, let's go hide in the car 'cause it's safe.

Hey, eat a hot bag of dicks, man.

- Um, yeah, hi. - Come on.

What the hell's your problem?

Wow.

Yeah.

Okay.

What did happen to Sister Sunday?

Monday.

Monday?

What do you mean?

Well, you said she

supposedly killed a bunch of prisoners, so,

what happened to her?

So, like I was saying at the church,

she was suspected of killing prisoners here in the jail.

As more and more victims started turning up,

the warden knew something was wrong, I mean, apart from

the occasional suicide or

fight between prisoners,

there was just way too many deaths occurring.

The warden suspected Sister Monday,

but before she could officially

be brought in for questioning, she disappeared.

Just, uh,

disappeared?

Yep.

Vanished without a trace.

Right.

I mean, eventually, the place had to close down

due to all the bad press.

The state cut off funding,

and no one wants to privately invest in a jail.

So, the place was closed,

and no one heard from Sister Monday again.

And they all lived happily ever after.

Next.

You know, some people think she returned here

after the jail closed to live out her final years.

Some people think she still wanders these halls

looking to punish those who deserve it.

Huh.

Being here's so strange.

I mean, knowing everything that happened here,

actually being here is really insane.

I mean, can you feel it?

Feel what?

Her presence, Sister Monday, I mean,

she was here.

This is where she lived.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I can feel it, it's,

it's bofadees.

- What? - Shh.

It's bofadees.

What is it, what is that?

Both of these nuts, ha, ha!

- So fucking stupid. - You're a fucking retard.