Not Another Teen Movie

I just hope it doesn't cause any permanent damage.

- How long have you been here? - A while.

- You missed your prom? - Yeah.

The thing is, when I made that bet...

There he is. It's Freddie. He's wearing a tux.

- What's up? - Yes.

I met a whole other person inside of you.

- Inside both of us. - Shut up.

I would've never found that person inside of me...

...if it weren't for the person inside of you.

That's sweet.

The whole other person inside of me...

...thinks that the whole other person inside of you has come a long way.

So would the whole other person inside of you like to dance?

Yes.

- Morning, sweetie! - Daddy!

- Why are you in here? - Why am I in here?

It's her birthday, Dad.

Happy birthday, sweetie.

- What's that buzzing sound? - I just need a minute here.

Maybe it's that construction.

Where's my little angel?

Happy birthday, honey.

Grandma? Grandpa?

Rosco!

Rosco, go.

- Hello. - Father O'Flannagan?

I brought your special friends from the center!

- Happy birthday! - Janey's making faces.

It smells in here.

Okay, make a wish, dear.

No.

This isn't a typical high school.

At John Hughes, there are no cliques, no exclusive social groups.

You're accepted for you, not who you hang out with.

We'll divide into groups so you can get to know your peers.

Let's get all you jocks in one group...

...and get you slutty girls over here by me.

Hey, how you doing? Welcome.

You losers should hang out in the back.

That clearly includes you. Come on, get back there.

Take a look at the kid standing beside you.

They're your only friends for the next four years.

Okay, let's move it, people!

- You need to start dating. - I don't date. You know that.

Janey, you know Dad's rule.

I can't have sex before you.

I don't conform to typical high-school norms.

I read Sylvia Plath, listen to Bikini Kill and eat tofu.

- I'm a unique rebel. - More like you're a lesbo.

Mitch, leave your sister alone.

Thank you, Daddy.

If Janey wants to be a rug-muncher, that's her decision.

Go! Fight! Win!

All right!

Nice combination, Crissy!

I've been meaning to get that fixed.

Later, Dad.

Hey.

I'll be late to pick you up.

Why? A job interview?

No, honey. I'll probably just be way too drunk.

That's good. No drinking and driving.

Oh, I'll be driving. I'll just be too drunk to remember.

Okay. Bye, Daddy.

Bye, pumpkin-head.

- Oh, my God! - Get out of the road!

Oh, my God, it's Jake.

- Hi, stud. - Hi, Jake.

- I love that thing with his eyebrows. - Those sideburns.

Oh, my God, there's Jake. He's so popular.

He just looked at me.

- Here. You can keep it. - Tiff.

Hi, Jake. It's all wet.

Melanie.

Hey, Jake.

Hey, Arthur.

Here's Ricky!

Hey, Ricky. How was your weekend?

Friday night I stood outside your window in the raln...

...screaming your name.

Then I spent Saturday and Sunday making you this great...

...I've-been-desperately-trying- to-tell-you-that...

...I'm-madly-in-love-with-you...

...mix tape for your birthday.

A mix tape? That's so sweet, Ricky.

See you in English.

Catch you guy later.

What happening?

Damn, Shorty, Dog is pretending to be Asian and shit.

That cracker is white! Can't he see that, yo?

Did you get any action this weekend?

- I visit grandfather. - I played with my sisters.

We're pathetic.

How will we ever lose our virginity by graduation?

- We're freshmen. - What's with the attitude?

- Not easy to get lucky here. - Girls are sensitive.

They're not looking for sex. They're looking for love.

Fuck me! Harder!

Amanda Becker.

She is so perfect.

Keep dreaming.

What's up, Reggie Ray?

I can't walt until Friday's game.

What about your head? You have a blood clot the size of a grapefruit.

Five more concussions and you'll die. You should take it easy.

- Don't listen to him. - Austin.

Mr. Not-First-String-Anymore isn't first-string anymore.

We know what happened last time Jake called the plays.

And now, our hometown hero...

...first-string quarterback, Jake Wyler!

Malik, could you hold these books?

Sure. Why not? I am the token black guy.

I smile, stay out of the conversation...

...and say things like, "Damn," "Shit," and, "That is wack!"

What's she doing here? She graduated four years ago.

- Hi, Jake. - Catherine.

Can I ask you a question?

Why is it when I tell a guy to put it anywhere...

...they always stick it in my ass? - Damn!

Way too much information.

Oh, no. Too much information would be telling you...

...that after they're done I take a huge dump.

Shit!

On thelr chest.

Oh, that is wack!

Why do hot girls always walk in slow motion?

Priscilla, there you are.

Jake, I need some T-to-the-fourth-power-Y.

Some time to talk to you.

God.

It made sense to me, Priscilla.

You're leaving me for this guy?

I'm sorry, Jake. We met over spring break.

I'm not ordinary.

You're leaving me for this guy?

His name is Les...

...and he's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

And so is his bag.

Janey Briggs, please report to the office.

Belng a forelgn-exchange student is scary...

...adjusting to a new school, a new country.

But you'll find that the students are very accepting.

You have a sunny disposition.

You got your schedule?

Well, isn't that wonderful?

Janey, come in.

This is Areola, our forelgn-exchange student.

Janey will show you to your first class.

Hi.

- I like your backpack. - Grazie.

Dude, I heard there's an undercover reporter posing as a student.

Dude, no way, dude.

Do you know where Mr. Keller's English class is?

- Down the hall, on your left. - Sweet, dude.

For the thousandth time, I sald, "Swallow that thing."

Am I right?

How could Priscilla dump me, Jake Wyler?

Who does she think she is?

I got two words for you, Jake:

Prom queen, material.

Austin, she's an illusion.

You take away the makeup, the clothes...

...the way she wears her hair, the smell of her perfume...

...that cute face she makes when she's tonguing my balls...

Look, she's replaceable.

Given the right look, the right boyfriend...

...any girl could be prom queen. - I smell a bet.

Jakey, Jakey, about to make a big...

...mistakey.

Here's the wager: I'll pick the most hopeless girl at this school...

...and I'll bet that you can't turn her into prom queen.

You're on, Austin.

I'll bet you lose that bet...

...but learn a much more valuable lesson and win.

In life, that is.

You're both on.

All right.

Let's find you a prom queen, Mr. Let's-Find-Me-A-Prom-Queen.

So, Areola, I noticed your accent keeps changing.

Where are you from?

I cannot tell you that...

...because I am a generic forelgn-exchange student...

...whose country of origin is of little importance.

Well, have fun in chemistry.

Rightio, love. See you at teatime.

What about her?

Baby's got back. Hunch, that is.

No, way too easy.

- I have no pigment - Any girl with a guitar is hot.

I need sunscreen

Even a hippie albino. She could be prom queen.

What about the Fratelli sisters?

So they're slightly disfigured and connected.

But combined, those two make up one pretty decent chick.

- I'd do them! - I know, Reggie Ray.

I'm looking for somebody really messed up.

I'm talking about a real shitbomb.

Well, bombs away.

No, no, no, anyone but her! Not Janey Briggs.