Jane the Virgin

Welcome back. Ready to hit this baby one more time?

Jane, you'll recall, was accidentally inseminated,

and the doctor responsible... well,

that would be Rafael's sister, Luisa.

Even crazier... Jane had the baby.

But now she's caught in a big ol' love triangle.

On the one hand... Rafael, her son's father.

On the other hand... Michael, her ex-fiancé

And last night, well, this happened.

Oh, and remember Raf's ex-wife Petra?

Well, she stole Rafael's last sperm sample

and inseminated herself,

and now, she was kind of in a pickle.

See, she's in debt to Milos.

I have this abusive ex-boyfriend.

And he has come to collect.

You will marry me.

I know!

Straight out of a telenovela, right?

So, let's get started.

There are days we will always remember.

For me, that day was...

Not relevant. Sorry.

This is not about me.

There are days the Villanueva women will always remember.

June 12 was one.

But first, allow me to set the scene.

Here we have Jane, just 14 months old.

Mommy! (knocking)

And Xiomara, freshly 18.

Ma, want to go eat at La Rosa tonight, maybe?

Come on, Ma, I know you can hear me.

_

It's me.

So, turns out I can go to the mall tonight after all.

Crap! I got to go.

Jane, what are you doing?!

- (jabbers) - _

No, no, Janie! Ugh, this is the last thing I need today.

If your Abuela sees...

It's okay, sweetie. We just need to clean this up.

But alas, the day had left its mark.

- _ - The important ones do.

It was a moment of revelation for Jane.

She finally saw the writing on the wall.

_

Oh, my. Looks like someone's got

a little skip in his step today.

Wow! Michael?

Yes, Michael!

So, did you tell him?

No, not yet.

I have to tell Rafael first.

I don't even know how to say it.

- Jane is picking Michael. - How do you know?

I overheard it last night on the baby monitor.

Apparently, they shared "an epic kiss." Her words, not mine.

It was pretty epic.

- Does Jane know you heard? - No, I unplugged the monitor. I didn't want to talk about it.

Good instinct. That's what I would have done.

Okay, now, listen. You can still save this.

Just don't let her break up with you.

What does she even see in that punk?

He's gonna flip out.

Michael?

Yeah, he's gonna be pretty stoked.

- Rafael. - I know.

It's awful.

And that's why I just need to tell him first

in the... best way possible.

- You got to play the cancer card. - What?!

Just say that you're having a relapse. I'm serious.

Just to buy you time to win her back.

Raf, this is your family.

You think I don't know that?

She's throwing everything away.

And what about Mateo?

Mateo's involved, so, I need to do everything I can

to make sure we all get along.

'Cause we're gonna be in each other's lives forever.

Okay, you just said "forever."

I did, didn't I?

That's what I want...

with Michael... forever.

I just wish it wasn't gonna hurt Rafael.

: Oh, my God. I literally

don't know whether I should laugh or cry right now.

Wow. Talk about feeling all the feels.

I told you it was a big day.

Yeah.

Mom, go put a sweater over that blouse.

Abuela, I'm leaving!

I'll see you at the lawyer's later.

- Love you. Bye. Mwah. - Mwah.

_

_

_

_

_

_

Wait for it.

_

You'll recall Alba had recently decided

to pursue her Green Card.

Yes, but you do know that this meeting is

for filing Mom's sponsorship papers, right?

You're not becoming a citizen today, Abuela.

_

_

- You look great. - I agree.

Not looking so great?

There she is,

my beautiful bride.

You know what? I should fill in some gaps.

Last night, Petra tried everything she could think of

- to get out of marrying Milos. - But I don't love you.

Right now. No one knows future.

- _ - I am pregnant.

With Rafael's baby.

I will raise bastard as my own.

_

Fine. One year...

with the understanding that this is just

about you needing a tax shelter and does not in any way

indicate that I have feelings for you.

- At moment. - At all. And no sex.

- Unless you change your mind. - I won't.

You might.

- Milos! - Fine, fine.

No sex, you little Minx!

But you must make marriage seem real.

I'm sure you have seen

the film "Green Card" with Gérard Depardieu?

That cannot happen to me.

- I made an appointment with City Hall. - No need.

I want to get married in my own hotel,

so I have booked Marbella ballroom.

Milos, we agreed to a small wedding.

And see? I have started wedding preparations

already, like a good, modern husband.

Now, come, help me pick band.

- We don't need a band. - Then who will open for the main act?

Who's the main act?

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

You don't know who this is, but it's a really big deal, Mateo.

- Hi. What's your name? - Jane.

Jane, I think there's something about you.

I can tell you have rhythm. Would you like to dance?

Yeah.

- Come on! - Okay.

You guessed it. That did not happen.

Here's what happened.

- (rhythmic marching) - (Jane gasps)

Ah. Oh. Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, my God.

Ah!

Oh, my God, Jane saw Britney Spears

checking in at the Marbella!

Excuse me?

She just texted.

I think this is her elbow.

And Britney was checking in?

- Uh-huh. - Good.

Then she will finally have to face me.

Britney Spears?

We happen to be in a little bit of a feud.

A big feud, actually! I don't know why I'm downplaying it.

I'm done protecting Britney Spears!

Wait.

You're not joking.

Of course I am not.

Okay, then-then why haven't you talked about it before?

I mean, lord knows you drop Gloria Estefan's name enough.

I don't drop her name.

I mention people like Gloria Estefan,

Alejandro Fernández and Oprah Winfrey

because they happen to be... dear friends of mine.

Then how'd you and Britney meet?

It was years ago.

I went to an awards show wearing a look Britney liked.

She expressed her admiration for the outfit,

and I generously went home to change,

allowing her to debut it in a video!

She was touched.

We became dear friends.

- Friends like... ? - Like regular friends!

We'd swap concealer tips, career advice.

When she kissed Madonna at the MTV Video Music Awards?

That was my idea!

I pitched it to Enrique Iglesias,

but he wasn't feeling well and didn't want to get me sick.

The point is... we were close.

Until she betrayed me.

But now, Britney's here.

And she can no longer avoid me.

I'm serious.

She's here. Events got a call about this huge, last-minute

wedding in the ballroom, and she is performing.

I don't know who these people are...