Top Gear

Hello, everybody. Hello. Thank you.

Hello!

Hello and welcome to a Top Gear special,

which tonight comes to you from South America.

Yeah. The brief was simple. Each of us would be given a pittance.

And we were told we could buy any car we liked

from a second-hand car website in Bolivia.

Yeah. And the only bit of advice we got, rather worryingly,

was that it would be best if we chose a car with four-wheel drive.

We were then told we would be united with our cars

somewhere around here in a place called Spidertown,

right in the middle of the Amazon Rainforest.

These are the views that greeted us from our helicopter.

Except they're not,

because the helicopter booked for us had crashed.

That meant we had to borrow these pictures

from Bruce Parry's programme...

..and go to the start point in a boat...

utterly bewildered by everything.

Look at that purple tree! The butterfly's more amazing.

No, the purple tree's the best. No! The butterfly was the size of a bat.

Another crocodile over there.

It's not a crocodile, it's a lump of wood.

Bird! Bird!

We're close to the Equator. We're very close. Perhaps we're on it!

No, we'd see a big dotted line.

'And we weren't the only fish out of water.'

It jumped in the boat! It jumped in the boat!

In the boat! I've got it with my knife!

Ha-ha! Is that a piranha?

It's not a piranha, they're long and thin.

They're not! No, they're not! They are! They're short and fat!

Oh, that's sharks.

'Eventually, the boat dumped the three worst explorers in history

'on a bank, in the middle of nowhere...

'and left.'

Have we just been abandoned here to die? Whoa-whoa! What is it, what?

Are those zips?! Well, they're outdoor trousers.

You can unzip the bottoms?! Yes!

I'm sorry, on the kit front, chaps... James, what's all this?

This is my belt of many things. What is that? Don't touch it.

That's a dental healthcare kit. What's this? Don't touch it!

That is a shoe-polishing kit.

What?!

A shoe-polishing kit! Thank God for that(!) If we get hungry, we can eat his Kiwi boot polish!

Basically, what you've done is buy a "My First Explorer" kit, put it on your belt... Don't touch it.

'Hammond then revealed a little secret.'

So all these insects, where are they?

Why, are you frightened of insects?

Yeah. Are you? Yeah. Really?

Don't mess about. Seriously, I am. It's a phobia.

It's like you and heights.

It's not you're scared of falling off, it's a phobia.

You are scared of heights. This is the same, it's a phobia.

I just don't... What's yours? Phobia? Manual labour, you know that.

That's not a phobia, that's bone idleness.

Rubbish! That's not a clinical thing, that's just cos you're lazy.

'Since we didn't know what to do, we just sat down and did nothing.'

I'm sure there's spiders in here, there will be. Shh.

What?

Is that... Uh-oh. ..in harmony with nature?

Stop playing ethnic tunes. Boys...

Cars.

'Plainly, there had been a terrible mix-up

'because one of the cars on the raft was a little Suzuki.

'None of us would have been that daft.

'But then we remembered... James was with us.'

1.3 litre... 1.3 litre! ..Wine bar specials.

Famous for being able to stay on their own four wheels...

No, no, no. Falling over.

I presume then the Land Cruiser, by power of deduction, is yours.

Yes, it is. Correct choice, everyone will agree.

And you have, if my eyes are not deceiving me, a Range Rover.

The best 4x4, by far, as we know.

I had one of those. Yeah, classic. I had one as well. Yeah.

Did yours ever...work? No.

How is that raft steering itself?

There's a little boat behind it, look.

'The driver of the little boat pushed the raft vaguely near the bank...'

Right. Well, we can get... No, don't do that, we need to get it...

'..and then went home.'

Is that him just gone? Yep.

Oi! You haven't parked it!

'We tried to pull the raft nearer to the bank but it was very difficult.'

Heave! It's not moving!

'So we gave up.'

That's it, lads. Up the gang plank.

Ow! There's a thing there.

We are good. It's like literally being with Livingstone... Yeah.

..and...

THEY LAUGH

Do you want a hand up? Help! Probably quite painful!

It was. Don't worry, I'm all right.

'Eventually, even Indiana Clarkson was onboard

'so we could get our first look at what we'd bought

'from the Bolivian classifieds.'

Notoriously long-lived, sturdy, reliable, small, agile.

What does it say in the advert in the Bolivian Auto Trader?

I'll tell you what it did show in the picture. That it was blue.

THEY LAUGH

Did it say, in the advert, that all four tyres would be pumped up?

No. HE LAUGHS

Oh, bloody hell. We did buy these long distance.

'The only thing saggier than my tyre was Hammond's roof.

It wasn't always a convertible, was it?

No, it's been converted to a convertible.

It's been converted by someone who is A, of Spanish descent

and B, a communist.

It's a tasty car all round. I'm very pleased.

I like the see-through...

I like this. The window's not here, it's here and there's no winder.

I don't need one, it's hot.

'To demonstrate what fools the others had been,

'I showed them the beating heart of my mighty Ranger Rover.'

Behold, gentlemen, the 3.9 litre V8 engine. Ahem.

3.9, yeah? 3.9. They had injection, didn't they, Hammond, the 3.9?

Yes. All of them were fuel-injected.

What are those on top?

I believe they're carburettors. They look like carburettors.

BLEEP. They ARE carburettors. They are carburettors, yeah.

That can't be a 3.9, mate, that's a 3.5!

It said in the advert is was a 3.9! It said mine was blue.

OK, so there's some issues.

You'll be opening the bonnet a lot. I won't.

You will! That's what killed these off, globally. Why does everywhere,

all over the world, anywhere difficult and inhospitable use a Toyota Land Cruiser?

First Aztec bird we come across,

she'll make a bee-line for me in this.

Yeah, OK.

'We could've continued arguing, but we had to leap ashore...'

'Well, come on, then.'

'..Because our challenge had arrived.'

Thank you very much.

OK. It says, "You are in Bolivia.

"And you will drive to the Pacific Ocean, which is 1,000 miles away."

So we have to go 1,000 miles. There's a jungle in the way.

And the jungle would just be the start of it,

because on our journey we'd have to negotiate active volcanoes,

utterly lifeless deserts and perilous mountain passes.

But before all that, we had to get our cars off the raft.

Which, as you can plainly see, would not be easy.

Clearly!

Oh, come on!

'Trying to move the raft soon led to a problem.'

Holy moly!

I am sinking.

Yeah. It's getting deeper! Pull yourself out.

I cannot pull myself out. Every time the bubbles come out,

you go in deeper. I know!

That's brilliant! Oh, God, no.

THEY LAUGH

As I sank into the ooze,

my colleagues became increasingly concerned.

His plums are in the Amazon, look! THEY LAUGH

Go and get a rope or something, just to tie around my waist.

All right, we'll get something.

'Eventually, and rather reluctantly,

'they decided to pull me out with my Range Rover.'

Hammond! Yes! What are you bloody doing?

You want a proper knot, don't you? No!

Just any old knot.

Will it start?

ENGINE STALLS

Oh.

ENGINE STALLS Start!

You brought the wrong car.

ENGINE STARTS Ah-ha-ha-ha!

Backwards!

Pull. Pull.

You coming up? Yes! Oh, yes!

Ow! Say when.

All right. Here we go. Yes.

Ow, my arm parts. Is it loose enough?

Yes. Stop, stop, stop.

Stop. So, as we can see, my car's best.

Well, it didn't let you down there, when it really mattered.

'Trying to move the raft had resulted in nothing more

'than some muddy tide-marks on my trousers.'

My jeans are ruined!

And so, with half the day gone, we had to come up with a new plan.

You know, in the Second World War, when a submarine was grounded?

When it had hit the bottom?

They used to get the crew to run backwards and forwards and it would sort of shuffle it along.

Are you suggesting we run backwards and forwards?

No, no, no! Use the cars.

If we go right to the back of the boat,

that weighs the back down and lifts the front up.

We then charge forward. The act of doing that will shuffle the boat

nearer to that bank. That's a good idea!

'All we needed to do, then, was back our cars up a bit.'

Oh, no. Hammond! Has anybody got any jump leads?

Seriously? You're joking. It won't start.

Just want to get this completely clear again.

Range Rover - starting, working well. Already saved a man's life.

Land Cruiser - broken down.

Oh, smoke! Smoke, smoke, quite a lot of smoke. Something's on fire!

The starter motor's burn out.

'Despite using the correct technique,

'Hammond couldn't get his car going.'

It's on fire again!