Cooper Barrett's Guide to Surviving Life

When you're in your 20's a visit from your parents can be so overwhelming...

it could feel like you're drowning.

Did I say "feel like"?

I meant actually drowning.

Sorry.

I thought something touched my leg.

My name is Cooper Barrett.

My friends and I are here to mess up our lives

so you don't have to.

WOMAN (over phone): Oh! (moaning)

- Yeah. Are you sure?

- Mm-hmm. - (moaning)

Oh, my God.

I was watching that.

What time is it?

- Noon. - Damn.

What are we, farmers? Go back to sleep.

I thought we weren't drinking last night.

We weren't,

but then you pointed out we had all those beers,

and Barry said we should drink them.

- That tracks. - Guys, my parents are coming in

for their anniversary party and their flight gets in

in, like, six hours and they're gonna want

to come by here on their way to Josh's, so can we

clean this place up so they finally think I have my act together?

- (door opens) - Oh, I don't think that's possible, Coop.

Mom, Dad.

Amazing.

_

Sorry about all the mess.

We were celebrating the launch of the new, uh, Web site

for the-for the company.

- Oh. - Oh.

- Oh, Neal, show them. - Yeah.

Pretty excited about this one. Here we go.

Uh, the name of your Web site is "MILF Smack"?

- (woman moaning) - Nope, that is not what

it's supposed to be called. I can't...

Probably get more business that way.

N-no, you got to press that... What are you... Hey!

- How was the flight? - It was good.

Did Josh not tell you we were coming early?

I guess he must have forgotten.

Did I? Hmm.

Cooper...

- Oh, I got a situation here. Oh, what a shame.

- I got it. Yeah. - That's gonna...

- Sorry, Dad. - That's, uh...

Now, Cooper, when I was your age

I had this friend, Lefty, and he was always

inviting me out for a cold one,

but I was too busy

raising a family and defending our great country.

Then one day, I stopped by his apartment

and his roommates answered... he didn't have a wife...

and they told me that ol' Lefty

drank himself to death.

Great story, Dad.

- Great story. - Yeah, Josh...

can I talk to you for a sec?

Yeah.

Admit it,

you intentionally didn't tell me they were coming

'cause you wanted me to look bad.

: Why would I do that?

I don't know.

W-why would you call Mom and Dad when I'm throwing a party

and tell them the house was on fire?

Because the house was on fire.

I had it mostly contained.

Coop, come on, man, I brought them over here

because I'm trying to keep Mom and Leslie

away from each other.

It's still tense because of the incident.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Get out!

That was seven years ago.

Well, Leslie can't even get into the car

without knocking first.

I don't even understand how.

Hey, how are you ladies doing?

I'm Barry Sandel.

This is my boy, Neal.

Who's a bad boy? - (whip cracks)

Yeah, you are.

What the hell are you doing?

Great, now I don't know how that's gonna end.

Dude.

How much of this stuff are you watching a day on your phone?

That genre specifically?

You know you got a problem, right?

- Neal! - What?

Sorry, I was thinking about porn again. What were you saying?

Look, I'll tell you what. For the next 48 hours,

you can not watch any porn.

If I catch you watching some porn,

I'm gonna hit you upside your head

with a pillowcase full of oranges.

- I'm in. - (grunts)

I know what it's like

to have a father who's hard to live up to.

My dad is one of the top physical therapists in the country.

My dad was a fighter pilot, who flew Air Force One

and ended up saving the President's life.

Twice.

My dad won an award

for shoulder impingement relief, so...

Sometimes I feel like my dad

wishes I was exactly like my older brother,

but that might just be because we have the same name,

and they only decided to have another kid

after first Neal died in a car accident.

Look, there are a million reasons

that your dad should be proud of you.

You have great friends,

and you started your dream company from scratch

that actually has potential.

And you coined the term, "To the max."

Yeah, I definitely didn't coin that, Neal.

Huh, well, maybe your dad is right.

Thing is, my dad's really old school.

He just measures success in-in-in concrete terms,

which is why Josh, with his career and his family,

is totally winning.

Okay, where's your dad right now?

Uh, at Josh's house with food poisoning.

The rest of the family went up to Santa Barbara for the night.

Okay, here's what you do: you go over,

and you sit him down,

and explain exactly what it is you're doing.

There's no way he's not gonna be impressed.

W-what about, "Raise the roof?"

It's not mine either, man.

Well, another crappy day for second Neal.

Okay, it's bad enough you drove me over here.

You don't have to come and talk to my father with me.

No, I just want to make sure you're not gonna chicken out.

You really give me no credit, do you?

No.

Do you want to get a froyo?

Cooper...

How am I supposed to impress a guy

who's basically a saint?

Dad?

You're not pizza.

Cooper, I haven't been honest with you.

- Is this a gay thing? - Whoa, is this a gay thing?

It's not a gay thing. No one's gay.

- I'm gay. - No way, Jerry, hey.

- Thanks. - Happy for you.

What is happening? Who are these people?

Uh, these are just some guys I put together for a poker game.

Since when do you drink or gamble?

Not long.

Eight to ten months...

before your brother was born.

Wait, my whole life I've been trying to live up

to your perfect example.

How do you think I feel?

I had to sneak around and tell lies to people

to have any fun whatsoever.

Plus, you almost burned our house to the ground.

I had it mostly contained!

Okay, look, I was wrong to keep this from you.

From now on, no more lies.

Okay, so Mom knows about this?

What are you, nuts? She'd kill me.

And don't tell Josh.

He wouldn't understand.

That guy's never partied a day in his life.

: Yeah, right.

I mean, yeah, right.

This is a lot to process.

I-I don't know what to do.

How about sharing a beer with your old man for the first time?

All right.

That's my boy.

So, it's third and one, they're showing blitz,

and suddenly I realize...

I'm into dudes.

Great story, Jerry!

Hey, how was Santa Barbara?

What the hell happened here?

This place is a total disaster.

Yeah, it looks like a giant dump.

I mean, untidy.

Hey.

You're back early.

What is going on?

Well...

Uh...

I think it's pretty obvious

what's going on here, uh...

while Dad was, you know, getting over his sickness

in-in-in the guesthouse,

I saw an opportunity to throw myself a rager.

- This is not your house. - So untidy.

- It's exactly what it looks like happened. - Untidy.