American Housewife

Come on, get in the car... Family breakfast.

Mom, I have to practice my squat jumps for volleyball.

Your what? Oh, good Lord.

If I did that, Anna-Kat wouldn't wouldn't be the only one peeing in the yard.

Get in the car.

Oh, and we have to stop by Office Depot.

I need to make some posters for the school's recycling drive...

- chairman. - You can start by recycling

that stupid blue bag from The New York Times

that you leave next to the toilet every day.

- Do I have to go? - Yes!

I want a fun family outing. Now get in the car.

- - Mom, we talked about the sweat pants...

Westporters get dressed to go out in public.

We're not Westporters.

We are renters who live in Westport.

It is a small distinction, but I cling to it.

Now, get in the car.

Mama, I found this on the windshield.

A "concerned" neighbor thinks

we should get the dent in our minivan fixed.

It's sullying the neighborhood.

And look at that... unsigned.

There's something very wrong with this place.

Coward!

Anna-Kat, the weird-versus-cute ratio

is getting way out of whack.

Don't talk to your sister like that.

She's always embarrassing me.

You should see how she walks down the hall at school.

Hey, isn't that your sister?

Yeah. She's feral. We found her in the woods.

I don't care if she's setting the teachers' lounge on fire.

You're her brother, and you need to have her back.

Katie: And just in case...

I actually do care if you set the teachers' lounge on fire.

- Mnh-mnh! - No cellphones.

I have rights.

Isn't that cute?

No, you don't.

Whoever told you that is not helping you.

I am in charge,

and we are going to have a low-tech family breakfast

like we used to do back home.

Westport is our home. We're not visiting.

You know, I saw on Facebook that everyone from our old cul-de-sac

got together for the annual kickball game.

Carl made that punch in a trash can that he always brings.

What's that stuff called?

- Trash Can Punch. - Yeah, that makes sense.

They didn't even think to invite us.

Because we don't live there anymore.

We still kind of live there.

In no way, shape, or form do we live there.

That's why I said "kind of."

I'm bored.

Okay, let's play a family game. I Spy. Who wants to go first?

I'd love to go first.

Oh!

I spy Alice coming in, and I spy you in sweat pants,

so I spy me going over to her.

It's "I spy with my little eye"!

Oh! I spy with my little eye the girls from the volleyball team.

I Spy is really bringing this family together.

Why don't they want to eat with us?

You should be happy they're making friends.

Yeah, Westport friends.

Look at them... They're probably talking about

their Christmas vacation in Turks and Caicos.

I am angry that I even know what Turks and Caicos is now.

And look at Taylor and her friends...

They are splitting a muffin four ways. Why?

Because this town muffin shames women, and it starts early.

I just wanted to do something as a family,

and this town is getting in our way.

Can I have some cream?

Soy, almond, cashew, or lactose-free?

Mnh-mnh. Half-and-half.

Half almond, half soy?

No. Half milk, half fatter milk.

Oh, I'm sorry. We stopped carrying cream.

Nobody wants it, because it's very unhealthy for you.

No... This was not the day to say that.

I want cream and other normal stuff.

I object to gluten-free pancakes,

turkey bacon, and almond soy milk!

I want real milk.

Why can't any of you in this town be normal and regular?

And why can't any of you

drink cocktails out of a trash can like the rest of America?!

Huh?!

This might be why they don't want to eat with us.

Well, that about wraps up the popular phase of our childhood.

The cream was my last straw.

Now I get why Fat Pam moved away.

I wonder what her last straw was.

Maybe she got her arm stuck in one of those tiny blouses

that they sell on Main Street and couldn't get it out.

Then the seam split, she had to roll it up in a ball,

hide it in her pants,

and then throw it out in the ladies' room.

I'm worried about how specific that example was.

No bright-siding it... We just don't fit in,

and I haven't liked it since the minute we got here.

_

I love it! I have such a good feeling about this!

Hello!

Hi! I'm Katie.

- Ah, nice to meet you. - This is my husband, Greg.

- Hello. - Hello.

And this is Taylor and Oliver.

Hi. You play volleyball?

- Yes. - Westport Unified has a great team.

Oh, good to know.

I played when I went there... State champions, 1956.

Yeah, but do you have a Quidditch team?

Oliver's going through a very intense Harry Potter phase.

We still like him, but it's been a struggle.

Come on in. I'll show you the place.

You two go wait in the car.

To Platform 9 3/4!

That Lemony Snicket phase is looking pretty good right about now.

- They can come in. - Oh, no.

Our youngest daughter Anna-Kat is in the car.

She is afraid of strangers, lawns, and germs.

We're actually moving to Westport to help her...

...so hopefully she'll be rolling around your lawn

covered with germs with a stranger.

Okay! Well, come on in.

So, that's it.

It's really nice, but I don't know.

It's a little out of our price range.

Maybe we should look at other towns.

- You see like down-to-Earth people. - We are.

We're very respectful of the laws of gravity.

He makes jokes like that.

I like you two.

If you're interested,

I'll figure out a way to make it work.

- Well, thank... -

- Thank you very... -

Well, that's our Anna-Kat.

She also doesn't like confined spaces or cars.

But bright side... She hates Harry Potter.

Mm-hmm.

What'd you think?

I'm not sure. Do we belong in a fancy town like this?

Well, hello. I'm Pam. I live across the street.

- - Katie.

I'm Greg.

I'm gonna go deal with that.

Are you thinking of moving in?

- Maybe. - Oh, well, you just have to.

Well, I don't know much about the town.

Oh, the people of Westport are so warm and welcoming.

You have to rent it. I just can't let you go!

Pam: Could I do such a thing?

Could I trick this lady into moving here

so there'd be another fat housewife in Westport?

Fudge?

You are so sweet.

Apparently, I could.

I think I'm gonna love it here.

Katie: She tricked me. Damn you, Fat Pam.

What the hell?

Oh, my God.

They're selling our lawn.

Greg: You have no right to sell our house out from under us.

Yes, I know it's not our house,

and you have every right to do it, so I was wrong about that.

But surely have some sense of moral obligation?

Okay, so I was wrong about that, too.

To be fair, you don't own the house, your mother does,

so I would like to have her contact information.

No, I am not going to do that to myself.

Wow. Don just went premium cable at the end there.

Why don't we just buy the house?

I'll give you several million reasons why we can't do that.

We can rent.

There's a place on Bayberry Lane for $17,000 a month.

I'll give you 15,000 reasons why we can't do that.

What do we do?

Move... to a normal town with normal people

with restaurants that have normal coffee additives.

- We can't leave Westport! - We're all happy here.

Not all of us. This is a sign that we should move.

And there is a literal sign in our front yard

telling us that we have to move.

So it's a sign and a sign.

I won't accept that. You know what?

We don't need Don to tell us where his mother is.

We can look up Linda Smith online

and convince her to change her mind.

Linda Smith.

I'll give you 14,753 reasons why that won't work.

Right.

I know Taylor and Oliver would be mad

if we moved to a town like this,

but they were mad the first time that we moved,

and they got over it.