Anger Management

All right, while we're waiting for Patrick to get here

and start talking about your problems,

I've got a major problem of my own.

Who should I go out with Saturday night?

Super hot or...

Super hot.

It's always super hot.

But I didn't even tell you about the girl who's super smart.

You know what? You're right.

I'm assuming this is about your date to my wedding to Patrick on Saturday night.

Well, it's definitely not for the Slash concert at Staples Center.

So anyone know someone who wants tickets

to the Slash concert at Staples Center?

How could you forget, Charlie?

Thursday's the rehearsal, Saturday's the wedding,

and Sunday Patrick and I cash

the million-dollar wedding check my parents are giving us.

Because I thought by now that this scam would be over

and the next time you and I spoke would be from jail.

Lacey, you're making a mockery of weddings.

They're supposed to be about two people who actually care about each other.

Well, I'm not going.

And don't anyone try to talk me into it.

So, Lacey,

is your family coming from India to witness this joyous felony?

Yes, and I just found out my parents are having Mahesh at the wedding.

Mahesh? Is that a person

or some dot-head appetizer

that's gonna give me the trots?

Mahesh is the ugly, fat kid from India

that my parents wanted me to marry.

This is gonna be so awkward.

Just be polite to him.

How can I be polite when he's fat?

It's easy.

Like when I'm talking to someone who's shallow and self-centered,

you just pay them a compliment and smile.

By the way, great blouse.

Oh, my God, thank you.

I remember you as a little girl

all wide-eyed and innocent.

And tomorrow I am marrying you.

- You must be very excited. - Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Before we start this rehearsal thing,

I've got this Hindu friend who's getting married

to a guy just to get a buttload of money from her parents.

Can you go to Hindu hell for that?

Lacey.

Don't move.

You know what? Just text me the answer. You're the coolest. Bye.

Hi. Can I help you?

You are just as beautiful as I remembered.

Holy crap.

Mahesh.

When did you become crazy doable?

You motivated me to lose weight when you turned down my proposal.

Oh, my God. I created you?

This is awesome.

Well, a lot has changed.

I also started my own software company in Silicon Valley.

Oh.

How is that going?

Microsoft offered us 300 million,

but I think we can do better.

Are you asking me to marry you?

What?

You're marrying Patrick.

Okay. I'll think about it.

Okay, so you'll read this

after the Hindu cleric and the priest welcome everybody.

So they're both performing the ceremony?

The Hindu cleric is for Lacey's family

and the priest is for my mother

who still makes me feel worthless even from beyond the grave.

Excuse me. Do you know where the...

Charlie?

As I live and breathe, Eugene Alvarez.

Oh, my God. It's been so long.

Last time I saw you, I was in the dugout

watching you break your bat over your knee.

Last time I saw you, you were in the clubhouse

offering me a bottle of Jack Daniels

and a handful of Vicodin because I broke a bat over my knee.

That was a long time ago, Charlie.

- A lot has changed. Yeah. - Yes, it has.

I'm an anger management therapist now

and you're a guy who dresses like a priest.

I don't know the gag, but I like it.

There is no gag.

I mean, I'm a man of the cloth.

I'm one with the Lord now.

Wow.

And there I was feeling all high and mighty

for not parking in the handicap zone.

- So you're doing the wedding? - Yeah, yeah, first one.

I mean, I'm new at this. I've only been a priest a couple of months.

So you're popping your wedding cherry.

- Am I allowed to say that? - Yeah, of course.

Charlie, I'm still the same guy

even though I wear this collar

and you have to call me Father

and you have to kiss my ring.

And you have to kiss my ass.

I was kidding.

So was I.

Listen, after rehearsal, let's go grab several drinks and get all caught up, yeah?

Yeah, absolutely.

I mean, just so you know, I don't really drink anymore.

I mean, other than the sacraments.

Not a problem. Go to this great little place I know.

They have a two-for-one sacrament until 7:00.

Anger Management 2x51 - Charlie and The Last Temptation of Eugenio - Original air date March 6, 2014

So how's Jen?

Oh, she's doing good, but, you know, we're divorced now.

Oh, I'm sorry. That's a shame.

Oh, come on. If you weren't a priest, you'd be all over that.

- You always had a thing for her. - Yeah.

Now I have a thing for Him.

That sounded a little odd, my friend.

Yeah.

So wait a minute. This whole priest thing, I don't get it.

I mean, you were the guy that got kicked off

of Motley Crue's tour bus for making Tommy Lee cry.

People change, Charlie.

I was given a sign from God.

What, did you see, like, Christ's face on a piece of toast?

Of course not.

It was in a flour tortilla.

I was depressed. I was feeling hopeless.

I looked down and there he was,

smiling up at me.

But that must sound silly to you, right?

No, no, not at all. In fact, one time I dropped a tube of Go-Gurt

and the splatter told me to stay drunk for nine straight days.

Come on.

But I think you might have taken it a little too far.

Well, think what you want.

But my life is easier now that I don't have those urges anymore.

- Aha. - What?

- You just checked her out. - No, I didn't.

- Yes, you did. - I didn't.

Oh, come on. You could pick that ass out of an ass lineup.

Which we did once in Kansas City, remember?

- I'm telling you, man, this isn't you. - Charlie, this is me.

I'll bet if I threw some real temptation on, you wouldn't be able to say no.

Go for it. My faith is strong.

You come here tomorrow night.

- But you've got to give me a fighting chance. - Okay.

Lose the collar. Don't tell anyone you're a priest.

Done. But if I prove you wrong,

you have to come to church for a year.

- Fine. - Okay.

Make it two years.

You know what? Three...

months.

Just not in a row.

You ran into Eugene Alvarez?

That's so random.

Didn't you used to like him?

No, you and I were married.

I never even thought of him that way.

Is he still single, because, God, I wanted him.

He's about as single as single gets.

You'd never hit on a priest, would you?

Of course not.

Why? He's not a priest now, is he?

No, no.

But he's thinking about becoming one.

That is not a good idea.

Talk about putting a square peg in a round hole.

I think his days of putting his peg in any kind of hole are over.

Unless someone shows him that it's the wrong choice.

Oh, okay.

So you decided to go out and buy Chinese food,

come here and talk me into doinking him?

No, no, no.

But have you tried the sweet and sour doinking? It's excellent.

Look, all I'm asking is you pretend to seduce him.

When he makes his move, bam, you tell him Charlie was right and you just walk away.

Isn't there some other way?

Well, I was gonna send him half a dozen hookers.

Then I realized that what he really wants is you.

- I don't know. - That is a huge compliment.

I'm saying that you have the power of six hookers.

Aw, thank you.

Hey, douchebag, where's Charlie?

Douchebag was my father. You can just call me Bag.

Okay, Bag.

I hate you and I need my therapist. Where's Charlie?

He's at the grocery store.

For some reason, he keeps running out of cereal.

You want some?

No, I'm going through something serious

and I need to talk to him.

You can always talk to me.

No, thanks. He's a therapist.

You're a soulless bag of crap.

Again, just Bag.

Is this about your wedding tomorrow?

I can't marry Patrick.