black-ish

I'm a drop-off dad.

It's a time to really connect

with Jack and Diane.

And I'm in good company.

Jay-Z is a drop-off dad,

John Legend is a drop-off dad,

Terry Crews is a drop-off dad.

But he probably works out first.

And I whipped her right in,

and all of the spots in the parking lot

said "compact"!

- Wait, again? - Yes!

So, the city didn't listen to your e-mails?

Right?

Well, I mean, this car's not gonna fit in there.

- What did you do? - I do what I always do.

- Mm. - I took two spots.

N-Now, the key is to make it look like

you weren't trying to take two spots.

- Mm-hmm. - You know, like there was

a car that messed up before you got there.

Uh, you know what I'm talking about, right, Diane?

- Mm-hmm. - See?

Diane gets it.

Well, I mean, you know, ain't nobody compact

going to Del Taco at 10:00 a.m.

Is that a shot?

Huh?

Get out of my car, Jack.

- Wait, what? - Get out of my car, Jack!

Go to class!

Hey, can you believe this sucka, Diane?

Eh...

Diane.

Diane.

Are you listening to me?

What was that?

How long have you been wearing headphones?

I don't know.

When did you start driving us to school?

Hey...

Okay, well, you know what?

We'll talk about this later, baby girl.

I love...

...you.

Damn.

This drop-off dad just got dropped.

I got a horn, too!

06x07 - Daughters For Dummies

Uh, what's wrong, Dre?

Did you find out that your sneakers

are made by small children? Is that it?

God, it's so unfair.

They can make your high-tops,

but they can't clean the barnacles off my yacht.

No.

It's Diane.

I believe it's pronounced "demon," Dre.

I...

I just found out she wears noise-canceling headphones

on our drive to school.

That's not so bad.

I'm the noise she's trying to cancel.

Ohhh.

And I don't know what's going on.

Our morning drives is our time to bond.

I mean, we would roll down the windows

and take turns doing Mariah Carey vocal runs.

I don't understand it.

The older she gets, the harder it is for us to connect.

I, too, am more afraid of Diane growing older.

It's the older demons that you have to watch out for.

They... They tend to act the fool.

Dre, it's okay.

It's totally normal for teenagers

to not want to talk to their parents.

And for parents to not want to talk to their kids

and send you away to boarding school.

And boarding camp.

Boarding Christmas.

I never thought I'd say this to a Caucasian,

but, man, I feel bad for you.

The guys made me realize that I had to do something quick,

or Diane would be sending me to boarding Christmas.

To my son, David,

following my footsteps into the family business.

- Oh, to David! - Yes.

Oh, my gosh.

UCLA Medical School?

Unbelievable. How proud are you right now?

- The proudest. - Ohh.

What about you, Bow? What's Junior up to?

Junior is...

Um, he's killing it.

- Yeah? - Yeah, he took a job in tech.

- Wow. - Mm-hmm.

You know that, um... the app ChoreBoar?

- Of course. - Oh, my God.

I mean, I don't want to toot his horn,

but he's, like... pshew... fast track.

Making that Silicon Valley money.

Nice.

I mean, he's like a regular...

black Bill Gates.

- That is huge. - It's so big.

Delivery for Dr. Feinberg?

Oh, hey, Mom!

Hey.

Oh, boy.

Bow, when you said he worked at ChoreBoar,

you made it sound like he was the CEO.

Mom, what did you tell him?

- I was telling him... - Yeah, hold on.

- I got to finish this delivery. - Okay.

Thanks.

Tch, tch, tch.

You've been ChoreBoar'd.

Are you ashamed of me?

Oh, of course not.

I-I thought you were gonna be supportive.

I'm sorry, Junior.

But in my defense, I didn't expect you to be here.

Well, I guess maybe I should just...

stop taking deliveries to the hospital,

- because my job embarrasses you so much. - Okay.

- You feel flustered. - Even though the gastric bypass patients

are my best customers.

Junior, come on. It was a white lie.

It's like...

- Mom, I'm working to support myself... - Mm-hmm.

- ...like you wanted me to. - Yep.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

got to go hang a TV at a retirement home.

That's my kid.

Ha!

Piece of my celebration cake?

Choke on it, Feinberg.

So, I went home to fix my relationship with Diane,

one baked good at a time.

Hey, Diane!

For no reason, I bought you a cranberry scone.

Mm, not really a dinner-scone person.

Oh, I got to take this.

Hey, whoa!

Was that scone still good?

Not good enough to save

- my relationship with my daughter. - Uh-huh.

I don't know how I'm gonna bridge this gap.

All right, you don't understand what will happen

if Diane doesn't have a strong relationship with her father.

Girls with daddy issues...

they make terrible choices in life.

Bow, they...

They date horrible guys.

They end up being strippers!

Uh...

Diane is not gonna become a stripper.

Strippers can wear glasses, too, Bow.

I've seen it.

- Okay. - I've seen it!

I've known a lot of girls with daddy issues, all right?

A lot. All right?

There was, uh, Watana, Ruthie,

Demi, Dawn, LaShawn...

There was her sister...

- I can't even remember her name. - What?

I don't know who those poor ladies are,

but you are blowing this out of proportion.

I don't even know how to hold a conversation with Diane anymore.

It's like I'm a stagehand trying to talk to Rihanna.

You can't take it personally.

Right now, there are two Dianes.

Sometimes, she's my best friend, and other times,

I do not want to walk down the stairs in front of her.

But I want the best friend Diane right now.

Well, you can't just get it, Dre.

She's a 13-year-old girl.

She shows up when she shows up.

And what you need to know

is that you are not in control.

You just got to... wait for the right wave.

Well, when is that right wave, Bow?

Huh?

Don't do anything, Dre.

Don't force it.

I can do that.

- Be patient. - Okay.

- Okay, totally, totally. - What?

- Totally. - Dr... Dre?

Dre!

I know.

You can talk in the morning.

We're bonding.

Bow could wait for waves if she wanted,

but I'm a man of action.

Call me Daddy Du-rag, because I'm making waves.

What if I told you there was a film

where a man was screaming for no reason

and carrying a baseball bat in school?

That movie is "Lean on Me."