Witchtrap

Hello?

Yes, who should I say is calling?

Agnes, phone!

Take a message, I'm in the tub!

I couldn't move if my hair were on fire.

It's Devon Lauder.

Oh my God!

Ooh, nice outfit.

I'll be it's difficult to find accessories, though.

Hardy har har.

Hello, um, Mr. Lauder?

Good evening, Dr. Goldberg.

I, uh, trust you read about the accident last week.

Uh, yes, I'm, I'm sorry.

I assume the negative publicity...

will delay the inn's opening?

You assume correctly.

May I also assume that you're calling...

because you've reconsidered my proposal?

Yes, assemble your team as quickly as possible.

Hello, Whitney.

Agnes, I gave you my answer last night.

I can't accept it.

Try.

Whitney, you have a gift!

You mean a curse.

I mean, a gift!

And if you believe God gave it to you...

you must believe he wants you to use it.

Ooh, that's a cheap shot, Agnes...

especially coming from you.

Why, because I'm an atheist?

It scares me, you understand?

I can't control it.

But I can.

I hope so...

for everyone's sake.

Morning, Susan.

Good morning, Mr. Jackson.

Hey, Tony, what's up?

Oh, man, we gotta meet Murphy downtown in 40 minutes.

You know, you're supposed to iron your shirts...

at home before you put them on.

I haven't been home, I've been here all night...

workin' on your department store case.

What for, it was obviously an inside job.

Just have all the employees take a lie detector test.

No, I'm not convinced.

The alarm system was tampered with.

Oh, man, we're late, gotta go!

Ginger, I have a bad feeling about this one.

Don't worry about it, it'll be fine.

Good morning, everyone, uh, my name is Devon Lauder...

thank you for appearing on such short notice.

Dr. Goldberg informs me that she's worked...

with many of you before, so, Doctor...

if you could briefly introduce your staff.

Certainly, this is my husband, Felix...

the best mental medium I've ever known.

Next to him is our video technician, Ginger Kowolski...

and next to her is our physical medium, Whitney O'Shea.

And, uh, these three gentlemen I'm afraid I don't know.

I assume than that one of you is Mr. Murphy.

Uh, yes, sir, Frank Murphy.

We spoke on the phone.

Certainly.

Uh, these are Tony Vincente and Levi Jackson...

my best operatives.

His only operatives.

That makes us the best!

Fine, I realize a lot of you have questions...

so allow me to give you a brief history.

Two years ago, my uncle Avery died...

and left me his home in Solano County.

It's a gothic mansion built in 1861...

which would be worth five to six million dollars...

if it were surrounded by prime vineyards.

Unfortunately, the adjoining property...

is a county-owned cemetery.

This, for me, makes the house uninhabitable...

but a stipulation of my uncle's will...

forbids me from either selling it or tearing it down.

If I attempt to do either...

the property will be donated to the county...

no doubt to add onto the cemetery.

Because of this, I've tried renting the property...

out several times, but no one's ever been able...

to stay longer than three nights.

They've all been driven away...

scared off by the ghost of my uncle Avery.

Excuse me.

Yes?

Are we on Candid Camera?

Let the man finish, Vincente.

I realize it's hard to believe...

but I've been there.

I've heard those horrible...

ungodly shrieks and moans.

The house has remained unoccupied ever since.

I had pretty much decided to let the county have it...

when I read of a bed and breakfast inn in New Orleans...

that claims to be haunted, and because of this...

it's doing incredible business.

Suddenly, haunted houses are the in thing.

This seemed like the perfect solution to my problem...

so I quickly renovated Lauder House...

into a bed and breakfast.

Then, in order to publicize its opening...

I hired The Amazing Azimov to spend the night in it.

The Amazing who?

I understand he was a fairly popular Las Vegas magician.

Yes, correct, and with his death...

Lauder House has finally lived up to its nickname...

Slaughter House.

His death, what are you saying...

you saying ghosts killed him?

He jumped from a second story window, yes.

Because a ghost scared him.

That's what we believe, Mister, um.

Vincente.

Vincente, may I ask you a question?

Why are you here?

Why am I here?

Because I said so.

Because he said so.

Mr. Lauder, am I mistaken...

or did you agree that my team and I...

would photograph and exorcize the Lauder House ghost?

Yes, but only if Mr. Murphy and his associates...

go along to protect you.

What?

What?

I will not be responsible for another tragedy.

If I could afford to just let Lauder House go...

and absorb the loss, believe me, I'd do so...

but the restoration was just too expensive.

I need to make this bed and breakfast work.

But they'll only get in the way!

They know absolutely nothing about psychic phenomenon!

They go with you...

or you don't go.

Dr. Goldberg, my men and I...

are professional security operatives...

and if there is something, well, dangerous in that house...

then your three best chances of survival...

are sitting right here.

I love it when Murphy talks like a detective novel.

Yeah, Sam Spade lives.

Never say spade to a brother.

Sorry, all the ghost talk must have me spooked.

Very funny, hey did you see that butt on that video tech?

I think I'm in love.

You love anything in a skirt.

Hey, man, I got a bad feeling about this case.

Don't tell me you're afraid of ghosts!

I'm afraid of anything that makes a man...

jump out of a window and kill himself.

I wouldn't drink that if I were you.

What?

Your beer, it's as flat as my ex-wife's chest.

Let me get you another one.

We'll take two more, please.

What're you doin' here, Murphy?

Lookin' for you.

I got it.

Tony, we have to talk, it's important.

Well, it must be, Murphy.

I mean, buying me beer, calling me Tony.

How'd you find me here anyway?

Jackson told me.

Thank you, Levi.

What else did he tell you?

Well, that you're not planning...

on going to the Lauder House with us.

So, what do you care?

You like me even less than I like you...

and I like you less than I like trench mouth.

Maybe so, but we need each other.

Speak for yourself, pal, I like girls.

You don't like anyone, not even yourself.

Just remember, I take shit from you...

only as long as you're worth it.

You put up with me because, Q.T. was the only firm...

that would hire you as a detective...

after you left the force.

Detective?

Come on, Murphy, who the hell are you kiddin'?

You're goin' up there to take on Casper the fuckin' Ghost...

you don't need a detective.

You need Bill Murray for Christ's sake!

So that's what this is all about!

You don't like the case?

No, this is not a case.

This is a joke.

Look, you want us to go up there...

and babysit this grade A group of chuckleheads...

while they sit around in a circle...

hold hands, and talk to dead people!

What makes you so sure they're chuckleheads?

Maybe this house really is haunted.