High Fidelity

Hey, Rob, what do you think of this shirt?

Yo, bro, I like it.

It's a statement, you know what I mean? It says, like,

"Hey, my stepdaughter's teenage friends,

I too am cool and enjoy rock and roll music."

- I was asking Rob. - I don't give a...

I like it. Yeah. - Really?

I also liked it yesterday and the day before that.

Ohh! You're fucking dirty!

Why do you care what I think about your shirt all of a sudden?

Nothing. Just forget it.

All right. Um... hey, who wants to go to

a "Last Hurrah."

Yeah, no, I gotta go, uh, to the warehouse

to see if I could teach these kids some shiz, you know.

Oh, you gonna go, uh, jam, Cherise?

Oh, no. No, no, no.

I'm just gonna, you know, talk to 'em.

Whatever-whatever, blah-blah-blah-blah.

All right. Simon, let's go.

Sim-on.

- Simon. - Hmm.

Last Hurrah.

- Oh... - Allied. Let's go.

No. Cameron and the mid-life crisis brigade

slamming vodka shots and, like, close-talking at me?

Come on, it won't be that bad.

I, I would, literally, rather listen to Creed.

- Whoa. So...

All right. I hear you.

Um... cool.

- See you guys later. - All right, y'all. Peace out.

All right.

[DEAD KENNEDY'S HOLIDAY IN CAMBODIA PLAYING]

- Yo, what's up. How you doing? - Chilling, bro.

Okay, so, normally, I wouldn't have left Rob

hanging like that, but...

I kinda have plans tonight.

A date... well, maybe it's a date. I don't really know.

To be honest with you, I find the whole courtship dating ritual

to be a little bit juvenile.

If I could, I would wake up, ideally,

five years into a healthy relationship.

Skip all the bullshit. Skip all the pain.

What? Think Rob has this monopoly on heartbreak?

Please. She's being dramatic.

You wanna know about real heartbreak?

You wanna know about that real piercing ache in your soul

that will never heal?

The act after act of embarrassing

and desperate desperation?

You wanna know about that knot in your heart,

the, the putrid taste in your mouth that leaves you unable to speak?

All right, well, look no further.

For I am the ballad of the lonesome loser.

Okay.

My desert island, Top Five, All-Time Most Memorable Heartbreaks.

Number one: Benjamin Young, AKA Ben.

It was the year after I came out.

It was also the year after Rob's and my so-called "break up."

You have your set figured out?

Kenny Rogers.

- The whole time. - The starter.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, I just, I don't know what to open with.

- Any ideas? - Hmm.

Love Bizarre?

A 12-minute song? Come on, man.

Oh, Crazy in Love.

That's DJ suicide.

- Why? It's Beyoncé. - Yeah, exactly. You start with that,

they fuckin' request that shit all night.

But you end with Beyoncé,

and then you jet before the beehive swarms you

and you end up like Macaulay Culkin at the end of My Girl.

- Ooh. I got it. - What?

Okay. It's now my number three, but it used to be number four

on my top five songs with which to get a dance party started.

Guess.

- Pointer Sisters? - Yes!

- Automatic. - Yes!

Yes, young padawan.

It's good. It's good.

- Stop. Stop, stop, stop. - Okay, okay, okay.

- Get out of here. Get out of here. - Hey, kill it, killer.

Thank you, homie.

- Can I get a vodka soda? Yep.

Sorry, am I making you uncomfortable?

No, not at all.

I just wanted to stand next to the most handsome man in the room.

Pick-up lines are the lowest form of first impressions,

unless you happen to be extremely attractive.

Hi, I'm Ben.

Uh, Simon.

Do you want to dance?

Uh... dance? No.

I don't, I don't... I'm not really a dancing type of guy.

Okay.

Do you want to go somewhere else? This DJ sucks.

Okay.

Great.

Wow,

this is a song.

Yeah. It's got lyrics and everything.

- Cheers. - Uh... what to?

A cute date and very bad karaoke.

I didn't think you'd be into a place like this.

Why?

I don't know. The haircut. The blazer.

You seem more like Soho House than Drag Queen Karaoke.

Well, you don't really know me, do you?

That's true, I don't.

Okay. Well, tell me things.

Uh... well, I'm a lawyer.

Ugh.

- Check please. - No, I'm a cool lawyer.

- Like Erin Brockovich. - I'm a male Erin Brockovich.

- Derren Brockovich? - Derren Brockovich?

Okay.

Uh, well, do you like it?

Yeah. A lot, actually.

I haven't made partner yet,

- which is bullshit... -

Yeah, I'm also embarrassingly ambitious.

Partner?

What about you? What does Simon do?

I work in a record shop.

- Hmm. - Down on Bedford.

Championship Vinyl.

- Sounds very cool. - Hmm. It is.

Is music your thing?

Well, I went to grad school for communications engineering.

- Satellites. Broadband. Stuff like that. - Yeah.

But I took a hiatus a couple... many years ago, so...

There's nothing wrong with a break.

So, yeah, I'm not... embarrassingly ambitious.

Or... or like any kind of ambitious.

There's nothing wrong with that either.

No?

Oh, yeah. Nothing at all.

After I came out, all I'd had was a bunch of one-night stands

with random men who barely remembered my first name.

Ben called me back.

Ben remembered my last name.

He was so confident and attentive.

And he, he liked that I was an outlier.

The way he made me feel was intoxicating.

We spent practically every day together for two months.

[OS MUTANTES LE PREMIER BONHEUR DU JOUR PLAYING]

I mean, he was smart and successful.

And he just had his shit together.

And I was, you know, me.

So I shouldn't have been surprised.

I mean, why would someone so extraordinary

wanna be with a loser who worked in a record store.

If it's blue, does it mean it was delivered or...

Yes.

If it says delivered, it means it was delivered.

Maybe his grandma was in...

- ... a car accident. - Dude, just give me this.

He's holding her hand in the hospital.

I'm doing this for you.

- What are you doing? - I'm deleting his contact.

- No, no, no. - Yes! You're obsessing.

You're obsessing.

And... fuck that shit, you know what I'm sayin'?

Obsessing over your exes... is a bad look.

Look, I never wanted to say anything about this

'cause I knew you like him, but... never trusted him.

He's such a douche.

He did tell me you suck as a DJ.

Fuckin' douche.

These are my roommates:

River, Dallas, and... Link.

Just know that they're a major upgrade from my last roommate,

who literally tried to pray my gay away, so...