The Duchess

Don't you pay attention to the news?

They want to destroy our way of life, Mum.

I'm only protecting us.

With respect, your opinion's garbage.

That's the problem with free speech.

Great idea till you realize it applies to everybody.

Mum, it's true. People are coming into the country and taking all the jobs.

Oh, my God, I've raised a Tory.

Olive, the people coming into the country are you.

No, I was born here.

To an immigrant!

Immigrant! That's what Daddy said they're called.

Oh, did he? Well, I should stop taking all your jobs then.

Like scrubbing the toilet, cleaning the kitchen, tidying up...

Hey, no!

Take back control, Olive!

Make Britain great again by cleaning your own room.

I'm only doing the jobs you won't do.

So Leonardo DiCaprio drowned in Titanic

and then he never dated a woman over 25 ever, ever again.

Oh. There's Millie.

Beast! Let me tell the teacher she's been bullying you.

Oh, and make things worse? No way. She's very powerful.

Yesterday, she got all the other girls to say my coat was ugly.

That coat was Stella McCartney. Tasteless little ditch pig!

You can't say that about a child!

Can too, if I'm defending my child

and the child of Sir Paul and Linda McCartney.

From the vegan sausages? That's her mum?

Mums are very impressive. Apart from Millie's mum.

The only cow I'd happily slaughter.

I can manage things at school myself. Don't worry about me.

- You're really brave. Are you sure? - Yes.

- I don't want to be late. Love you! - Love ya. Happy birthday!

Excuse me, Jane?

- Your coat is ugly. - What are you talking about?

I have had it with your evil daughter and her demon mouth.

- Mum, I forgot my water bottle. - Oh, hey, sweetheart. Sorry. Here you go.

Have a good day.

Bye!

Love ya!

You need to sort your family out.

Katherine, I know the girls have had their differences, but...

Well, Millie is dyslexic, so things can get lost in translation.

Millie is dicks-lexic.

Mmm, dyslexic. Maybe a coffee morning?

- We can hash out a strategy. Just us mums! - No, no.

No more coffee mornings. None of you need more caffeine.

It would be easier to solve these problems

if you were just generally a little bit more involved with the PTA.

Maybe you could...

Maybe I could fuck your man.

I beg your pardon?

Yeah. I will come for your man every day of the week

until you are able to have some meaningful conversations

about empathy in your home.

It is not that hard to be a decent fucking mum!

Oh, I ordered paint.

Oh! You're not paint.

I could be paint.

Or I could be an incredibly handsome young dentist,

who's finished work early to take you girls out to dinner for Olive's birthday.

Oh, thank you. Honey, she loves peonies.

No, those are for you.

It's always just us on her birthday.

Oh, sounds very exclusive.

Yeah!

- Did you need to use the bathroom or... - No, no, I'm good.

Um...

You do know I'm more than a Saturday guy, right? I want to be a part of this family.

You are a part of this family.

An important peripheral part.

Well, I really want to be let in.

Paint!

Okay, so how about this weekend we do anal?

What? No, I meant "let in." 'Cause we were talking about...

That's not what... 'Cause that's... I mean...

I mean, I'll do it. Like, that's what I do,

but that's, um... That's... That's not what I meant.

Okay.

Say hi to Bev for me, will you? And, uh, tell Olive I said happy birthday.

I will. I love you.

See you later, weirdo.

Oh, and just, um...

text before you stop by next time.

Jesus.

Who was that?

Evan, showing up here in the middle of the day, unannounced.

Oh, my God, he's getting bold.

What, you've only been dating for what, five, six hundred days now?

Yeah. And now he's trying to take me to dinner.

Like, "Slow down, you thirsty little freak".

Yeah, babes. He is being thirsty, isn't he?

Turning up on your daughter's birthday, bringing flowers? Bin him!

I will bin him if he tries to change our arrangement.

I had it perfect. Bang him once a week,

live my life the rest of the time, and free dental.

Why can't I find a man who just wants to have casual sex?

Because you're over 30. That's why.

That's the landscape we're working in. Evan's lovely.

What he doesn't realize is he'll like me a whole lot less if he sees me more.

You gotta keep it to once a week, and that's the magic of our relationship.

- Mum! - Okay, here we go!

Here you go.

Okay.

You give me your helmet.

Aw.

Looks like nobody's home.

Oh, honey, it looks like I got the time wrong.

That's my fault, I'm sorry.

Dumb motherf...

Daddy!

Hey, sweetheart!

It's dangerous to sneak up like that,

'cause you know Daddy's got his boat heavily armed.

And speaks in the third person, and is a twat.

- Mummy got the time wrong. - Well, Mummy drinks. Time of what?

- Have you forgotten? - No, Olive, Daddy's only kidding.

He knows it's your birthday.

- Gotcha! - See?

Course I knew it was your birthday.

Hey, you are getting so big that I think it's time...

Every fucking year. Does she remind me?

No, she doesn't.

...for your very own...

...birthday dynamite!

- No! - Awesome!

I can honestly say I was only half expecting explosives.

Daddy, can we use it now to blow up some trout?

Aw. We'll go fishing this weekend, baby.

I think a family of mice died under the toilet. We can use them as bait.

Great. So let's just sing the song and then we can go.

Um, no. Please, Mum and Dad, I'm not making a fuss this year.

But, Olive, it's tradition. It's your birthday.

You'll always be our baby.

- Would a baby have her own dynamite? - Uh, yeah!

Coolest dad ever. You're welcome!

All right. Well, we're really in a hurry, so let's go.

Aw, happy birthday, my sweet little angel girl.

I'll see you tomorrow, okay?

- I love you. - Love you, Dad. Bye!

Thank you.

Right. How old are you now?

- Thirty-three. - I'm nine.

And I'm not getting any younger, so could you please make her have my baby?

We do usually advise that children aren't present at these appointments.

It was my idea to come.

How dare you speak about my daughter like she isn't here?

This is her birthday present.

My apologies, Olive.

Thanks.

Coming to get the blood of a man is my main present.

- Blood? - Yeah.

I see.

What's your reason for wanting a child this way?

Well, my entire family are dead.

To me. So when Olive was born, I was all alone,

but now we have each other for support

and we both agree that we're ready for this next step.

And my dad is a pop star, so we'll take famous blood if you've got it.

Her dad was in a boy band.

Last one to get up off the stool.

Okay. So...

your test results show that if you're serious about growing your family,

Olive is wise to be in a hurry.

Thank you.

Egg production slows down dramatically for women approaching their mid-30s.

Your best chance of conceiving is to do it now.

Doctor, I'm only 33

and "it" looks about 16, so trust me, I have plenty of time.

Trust me, you don't.

We have donors in their late teens and early 20s.

- Ew. - They're match fit...

for a geriatric pregnancy.

What did you just call me?

Olive, we're leaving.

Great. Where are we going to get the blood from now?

She's a remarkable child.

I know! I did that!

I took her father's garbage cum and I turned it into a princess.

You should be begging me for my business. Begging me!

Oh, God!

How do any of you even have balls yet?

She's pretty.

I think I should have taken one of the boobs down slightly.

Nah, I think you're bang on with those. Maybe it's the angle of her dick.

- Oh, no, I enjoy that. - Listen, I can't stay late.

I've got a date night with Tom. I'm helping him put the kids to bed.

Reading stories is a two-man job?

Well, with my four, it is.

May I be excused until dinner, Mum?

You don't have to ask, gal, but yes, you may.

I know. But I saw it on TV and I prefer the formality.

You are so lucky to have her.

I found a full bucket of piss in Eddie's room the other day.

He'd been pissing up there for weeks,

- keeping it in a cupboard. - Men!

Ugh. Does it say in your jizz bible if any of the donors are gay?

- I'd love a nice gay son. - It should.

But it doesn't matter, I can't go back there. They're too young. Look.