Parks and Recreation

- RON? JACK COOPER FROM THE CONTROLLER'S OFFICE.

GOT A-- GOT A SECOND?

- SURE, WHAT CAN I DO YOU FOR?

- FRANKLY, THIS IS A LITTLE AWKWARD.

WE'VE RECEIVED THIS LETTER FROM A COLLECTION AGENCY

ABOUT AN OUTSTANDING DEBT

FROM THE PAWNEE PUBLIC LIBRARY.

IT APPEARS YOU HAVE AN OVERDUE BOOK.

OH, DO I?

IT'S NOT

EMBRACING LIFE WITH A MICRO-PENIS.

TAMMY.

MY EX-WIFE TAMMY LIKES TO CHECK IN

EVERY SO OFTEN AND MAKE SURE

I'M DOING OKAY.

AND IF I AM, SHE TRIES TO EVERYTHING UP.

- OKAY, I PRE-DIALED 911, SO ALL YOU HAVE TO DO

IS PRESS SEND.

- YOU'RE WORRYING OVER NOTHING.

- IF SHE BINDS YOUR HANDS AND YOU CAN'T REACH YOUR PHONE,

JUST TRY TO CHEW YOURSELF FREE.

WHALE TALE. WHALE TALE.

SHE'S FLASHING A WHALE TALE. ABORT. ABORT.

HELLO, TAMMY.

- OH. HELLO, RON.

I DIDN'T SEE YOU COME IN.

I WAS JUST CHECKING MYSELF FOR SCOLIOSIS.

- AND? - STRAIGHT AS AN ARROW.

JUST LIKE SOMEBODY ELSE I KNOW.

JERKY?

CALL OFF THE DOGS.

YOU AND I BOTH KNOW

THAT IN MY ENTIRE ADULT LIFE,

I HAVE NEVER CHECKED A BOOK OUT OF THE LIBRARY.

- OH, MY GOD, SHE'S AMAZING.

- OOH... MMM.

- I ADMIT THERE WAS A TIME WHEN THAT SORT OF BEHAVIOR

WOULD'VE DRIVEN ME WILD.

BUT I AM IN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP NOW, TAMMY.

- A RELATIONSHIP? WITH WHOM?

- A LOVELY, INTELLIGENT, SELF-POSSESSED

PEDIATRIC SURGEON NAMED WENDY.

SOUNDS LIKE A REAL WHORE.

- CLEAR THE LATE CHARGES AND CUT THE CRAP.

GOOD DAY.

GOOD DAY, LESLIE.

GOOD--GOOD DAY.

*

- OKAY, SO WE'RE ORDERING THEM

A TOTAL OF 30 PIZZAS SO LET'S TALK TOPPINGS.

- SAUSAGE, ONION, AND PEPPERS.

SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN TO BE THE BEST TOPPINGS.

NICE.

- SHOULD WE THROW IN SOME SALADS

FOR A HEALTHY OPTION?

- WOW, DON'T BE SUCH A JERRY, BEN.

- YEAH, BEN, THESE GUYS ARE COPS, NOT BALLERINAS.

SO WE ARE THROWING A LITTLE SHINDIG

FOR THE POLICE DEPARTMENT BECAUSE WE'RE ASKING THEM

TO VOLUNTEER AS SECURITY DURING THE HARVEST FESTIVAL.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS ABOUT BIG OUTDOOR GATHERINGS

THAT MAKES EVERYONE WANT TO URINATE

ALL OVER EVERYTHING, BUT IT DOES.

AND THEY DO.

- OKAY, HOW ABOUT SOME CALZONES?

- CALZONES ARE LIKE PIZZAS BUT THEY'RE HARDER TO EAT.

THEY'RE DUMB AND SO WAS THAT IDEA.

- SERIOUSLY? - THIS IS EMBARRASSING FOR YOU.

- SORRY TO INTERRUPT. RON, YOU READY?

ABSOLUTELY, MY DEAR.

I AM OFF TO HAVE A MID-MORNING PRE-LUNCH

WITH MY LADY FRIEND,

BUT I WILL BE BACK IN TIME FOR LUNCH.

ALL RIGHT.

- OH, RON'S GIRLFRIEND'S PRETTY.

TOM'S EX-WIFE.

OH.

- I DON'T WANT TO SEE THEM TOGETHER.

IT'S LIKE THEY'RE RUBBING IT IN MY FACE.

SO ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS CAPTAIN MUSTACHE

PLOWING MY EX-WIFE.

- AND YOU IMAGINE HE'S WEARING A CAPE

WHILE HE'S PLOWING HER?

WHAT?

- NO, JUST, CAPTAIN MUSTACHE?

I MEAN, IF ALL YOU CAN THINK OF IS RON, YOU KNOW-- --

MAYBE PUT HIM IN SOME TIGHTS AND A CAPE

AND THEN--AND THEN IT WOULD BE FUNNY.

- NOW, I'M IMAGINING A CAPE.

APRIL?

DID YOU CALL ME?

- I DID CALL YOU. GOOD EARS.

- CHRIS'S ASSISTANT WENT BACK TO INDIANAPOLIS,

SO HE'S BORROWING ME FOR A FEW DAYS.

YAY.

- I'D LIKE YOU TO GET ME SOME MORE POST-ITS.

I'D LIKE THEM IN MULTIPLE COLORS.

I'D LIKE GREEN. I'D LIKE YELLOW.

DO NOT BUY ORANGE.

I DO NOT WANT ORANGE. I HAVE PLENTY OF ORANGE.

GOT IT.

YOU WANT FIVE MILLION ORANGE POST-ITS.

THAT'S HILARIOUS.

OH, WAIT! I HAVE A POST-IT FOR YOU.

IT SAYS, "GREAT JOB." - MMM.

- GREAT JOB! - MMM.

THERE YOU GO.

- THEY'RE GETTING REALLY OLD AND I'M AN ONLY CHILD.

I JUST FEEL LIKE THE RIGHT THING TO DO

IS TO MOVE BACK HOME.

I'M SORRY TO SEE YOU GO.

I'VE REALLY COME TO THINK OF YOU AS...

A COMPANION.

- HEY, I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU'D WANT TO MOVE TO CANADA?

CANADA.

NO, I DON'T SUPPOSE I WOULD.

HEY, I HATE TO NAG,

BUT SHOULDN'T WE BE TALKING STRATEGY,

LIKE, WHEN TO ASK THE CHIEF FOR THIS HUGE CRITICAL FAVOR?

- YES. I KNOW EXACTLY WHEN WE SHOULD DO IT.

POST PIZZA, PRE ICE CREAM,

BETWEEN HIS THIRD AND FOURTH BEER.

HE'LL BE FULL BUT NOT STUFFED, TIPSY BUT NOT DRUNK.

00.

- OKAY, SO YOU'VE THOUGHT THIS THROUGH.

- JUST SIT TIGHT. I'LL GET YOU A BEER.

CAN I HAVE TWO BEERS PLEASE?

HEY, YOU OKAY?

WENDY AND I ARE OVER.

SHE'S MOVING BACK TO CANADA.

IT'S TOO BAD.

I JUST TAUGHT HER HOW TO WHITTLE.

SHE MADE ME THIS TINY SHARPENED STICK.

- LOOK, I'M GONNA TELL YOU WHAT I TELL ALL MY GIRLFRIENDS

WHEN THEY GET DUMPED.

MEN ARE DOGS.

THANK YOU, LESLIE.

THAT DOES NOT APPLY TO THIS SITUATION AT ALL.

BUT THANK YOU. I APPRECIATE IT.

THIS IS A DISASTER.

YOU'RE NOT INTO FOOTBALL?

I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU.

I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT, KNEW IT, KNEW IT.

- HONESTLY, I HAVEN'T FELT THIS GOOD IN YEARS.

AND IT'S NOT JUST BECAUSE OF THE SUPPLEMENTS

HE HAS ME TAKING AND THE SOLUBLE FIBER

AND THE INCREASE IN REGULARITY.

IT'S HIM.

HE'S, UH, MOVING BACK TO INDIANAPOLIS

IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS, WHICH SUCKS.

BUT IF HE ASKED ME TO MOVE WITH HIM,

I THINK I WOULD.

I WOULD LIKE A LOCAL BEER.

I'D LIKE IT IN A BOTTLE.

I'D LIKE THE BOTTLE TO BE COLD.

- I WOULD LIKE A GLASS OF WHITE WINE.

I WOULD LIKE IT TO BE CHARDONNAY.

AND I WOULD LIKE THAT WITH ONE ICE CUBE.

THANKS.

- CHIEF TRUMPLE? - HEY, KNOPE.

- YOU KNOW BEN WYATT FROM THE STATE BUDGET OFFICE.

- YEAH, HOW'S IT GOING? - HELLO.

- THANKS FOR THE PARTY. GOOD PIZZA.

- GREAT. SO, YEAH, THE PIZZA'S DYNAMITE, ISN'T IT?

- I JUST SAID IT WAS GOOD PIZZA.

IT'S GOOD. PIZZA'S GOOD.

- YOU, UH, YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE?

CALZONES.

- WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY?

- IT'S ALL RIGHT. WE'LL CHECK IN WITH YOU LATER.

- TAKE IT EASY. - YEAH, WILL DO.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

- I WAS GETTING SOMEWHERE WITH THAT.

- YEAH, GREAT SMALL TALK OVER THERE.

OKAY, LET ME HANDLE THIS.

- I GET A LITTLE NERVOUS WITH COPS.

- I'M IN CONTROL. - WHAT'S UP?

TOM HAVERFORD'S IN THE BUILDING.

WHOO!

- TOM, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

- SAME THING YOU'RE DOING, CELEBRATING PAWNEE'S FINEST.

I BELIEVE YOU KNOW MY DATE, TAMMY SWANSON.

HIYA, RON.

- OH. HIYA, RON. - HEY, RON.

I'M SORRY.

IS SEEING YOUR EX-WIFE ON MY ARM

MAKING YOU UNCOMFORTABLE?

GEE, I CAN'T IMAGINE WHY. OR CAN I?

OOH, I LIKE THIS SONG. DO YOU WANNA DANCE, TAMMY?

OH, YEAH. YEAH.

OOH. UH.

I KNOW TAMMY SEEMS SCARY.

BUT REALLY, SHE'S JUST A MANIPULATIVE, PSYCHOTIC,

LIBRARY-BOOK-PEDALING, SEX-CRAZED SHE-DEMON.

UH! YEAH.

- I THINK THAT'S ENOUGH. - TAMMY.

UH. OH, HI, RON.

I WAS JUST TASTING MY NEW BOYFRIEND, GLENN.

TOM.

- YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE MIXED UP IN, SON.