Anger Management

So, Sateen. You've now heard your sister and the rest of the group

talk about how inappropriate anger can damage your life.

I'd love to hear what you're thinking right now.

I was thinking

if all you're serving is supermarket muffins,

you might want to check if your guest is gluten-free

because I am and they're not.

Frankly, I'm bloated and insulted.

This isn't about the muffins, you little bitch.

It's about how angry you are and how I don't want you to end up like me.

Telling your problems to a bunch of losers

in some horrible living room in the Valley.

Excuse me.

I take offense to the term "loser,"

but I do agree with "horrible living room in Valley."

Where do all you people live, like, Versailles?

I've got a question.

Lacey, Sateen.

Did your parents pick your names

out of an underwear drawer?

They're family names from India, old man.

I'm sorry they don't have the beauty and dignity of Ed.

Wait, go back. Did you call me a bitch, bitch?

Yeah, like five minutes ago.

- You actually suck. - No, you suck and no one asked you.

- At least I wasn't a fat baby. - I wasn't a fat baby.

They overfed me.

All this yelling. It's really hard on me.

Can't you two just, like, wrestle it out?

Nolan, do you realize that everything you've said today

about Lacey and her sister has been a veiled sexual reference?

And by veiled, I don't mean anything culturally insensitive.

Sorry.

And by sorry, I mean the apology.

Not the giant scarf you wear like a dress.

Not everything I said was sexual.

That tandoori taco twofer at the street fair is a real thing.

No, it's not.

Okay. Sateen, after observing you a little bit today,

I really think you could use some anger management therapy.

Let me be careful.

I wanna say this in the rudest possible way.

You just did.

Godspeed. See ya in prison.

The rest of ya, I'll see ya next week.

Hey, I don't know what's going on with me today.

I think I'm gonna walk it off.

I said walk, not whack, right?

Yes, you did.

Ah, spank God.

I need to talk to you about your dad.

Did you need to talk to me or did Dad conveniently bump into you

and con you into doing his dirty work?

No, I ran into him at the Lady Footlocker and he told me...

damn, he's good.

Let me guess. He doesn't understand why I won't spend more time with him?

No, he doesn't, Charlie. It's really bothering him.

Maybe he should have thought about that when he was being

a manipulative, lying bully my entire life.

People forgive, Charlie.

I've had manipulative, lying people in my life

and I've forgiven... mostly... Charlie... you.

Charlie. Dork.

Yeah. Got it. You, not letting go... ever.

Take foot off neck. Love you.

Come on. He just wants to come over Sunday and watch a game with you.

- Who wants to come over? - Your grandfather.

Great. Why doesn't he come over more often?

Doesn't he like us?

Yeah, Charlie. Why doesn't he come over more often?

I think Sam just hit it on the head.

He doesn't like us.

Let's not force a frightened old man into doing something he doesn't wanna do.

- Charlie. - All right, fine.

He can come over on Sunday, but you gotta be there, too.

And, you, little miss "why won't Grandpa come over,"

you want a grandpa so bad?

You have to feed and take care of him.

And the first time you don't, it's right back to the pound.

Oh, Charlie. Look at you.

Putting out food for your dad. That's so sweet.

No, this isn't sweet.

This is turkey and Swiss on sourdough. No mayo, no oil.

This is the driest, chewiest sandwich you can get.

He can't chew and talk.

That is three feet of golden silence.

- Hey. - Hi. Nice suit.

I thought you were coming to watch the game, but if you're here to be buried,

- that's okay, too. - We can watch the game after mass.

Why aren't you dressed? You know, mass starts in half an hour.

Well, you told me you go to mass every week.

- You weren't lying about that, were you? - No, of course not.

I... I go every Sunday.

Thank God, because if you didn't, it would kill your grandmother.

- Grandma's dead. - Yeah, I know,

but I still like to remember the things that would kill her.

Hey, girls. Let's get started.

I don't wanna walk in late like I own the joint.

Okay, Sam. Go put on your fancy

going-to-church outfit like we do every Sunday.

- But, Dad, we don't... - Hey, blessed be the shut up. Get dressed.

It's a beautiful church, Charlie.

Yeah, it is.

I just hope the priest isn't too long-winded.

No, no, no. He's great.

His sermons are very insightful.

I find myself hanging on his every word.

Buenos dias.

So, Charlie. You say you come here every week?

Si.

I'm a grown man. I don't need to explain myself to you.

It's not about me.

Your daughter needs a religious upbringing, Charlie.

She needs a moral compass.

I'm sorry. I'm still reeling from "It's not about me."

Look, I know what you want, but I'm not gonna force Catholicism on Sam

- like you forced it on me. - Oh, please.

Then why did you even bother having her baptized in the first place?

I have a good answer for that.

Sam was never baptized.

I thought it was good.

She was never baptized?

So you lied about that, too.

I tell ya lots of lies, Dad...

"Good to see ya," "Happy birthday," "Drive safe."

Okay, enough. Look, we're gonna deal with this right now.

You're having Sam baptized, period.

- That's it. - No, I'm not.

Sam is gonna choose her own religion

when she's old enough to make a mature decision.

I'm only gonna say this once... stay out of it.

Don't you understand? If you don't have that girl baptized... God forbid,

but she could end up in hell and it'd be all your fault.

Charlie, I told you, the women you're dating are way too young.

Michael, are you Catholic by any chance?

I'm a pretty good Catholic.

For a Baptist.

I'm a better Catholic than Charlie.

I think it's damn selfish of you, son.

After all, you were baptized and received first communion.

Now you're leaving your own daughter high and dry like this.

I think it's just plain disgraceful.

Would you give me an amen on that, Michael?

Don't give him an amen on that.

Your kid's not baptized? What, are you nuts?

- Thanks, Mike. - Seriously, it takes, like, five minutes

and it protects her soul for eternity.

Look, I appreciate your spiritual concern.

Especially coming from a guy with a lifetime membership

to Adult Friend Finder.

But my daughter is not gonna get kicked out of heaven...

if there is one... on a technicality.

- If there is one? - I know we raised him better than that.

Look, it's my kid. Everyone just back off.

All right, fine. I won't interfere in trying

to help save my granddaughter's soul.

God forbid. Sorry.

God... if there is one... forbid.

Nice one, sir.

I mean it. This is my house, these are my rules.

Michael, I don't like this new kid you're hanging out with.

Doesn't he have any friends his own age?

So I dropped Sateen off and my mom starts in on me.

When are you gonna marry a nice Hindu boy?

And I said, "When a Hindu boy starts for the Lakers."

Right now I'm all about giant black millionaires.

Let me ask you this, Lacey.

Is this anger about rejecting your parents' religious values

or is it just another manifestation of your Kardashian envy?

Oh, it's not envy when you're better than somebody.

Hey, you're a Hindu.

Tell your mom you'll do what she wants in your next life.

You'll be a raccoon, she'll be a bird or something.

She can't hold you to it.

Congratulations, Ed. You just created a new category...

metaphysical racism.

Sorry to interrupt this battle of wits

between Aristotle and Yosemite Sam,

but your daughter's here and I'm pretty sure she's bleeding.

Oh, my God.

Sam, what happened? You okay?

- I'm fine. - Just barely.

Some lunatic ran a stop sign and forced her bicycle into a mailbox.

I was just walking up when the guy pulled away.

She could've been killed, Charlie.

Come on, sweetie. Let's get you cleaned up in the kitchen.

Sorry, guys. I'll see ya next Tuesday.

Damn fool was probably texting.

If anything happened to that girl, I'd never forgive myself.

Forgive yourself for what? You weren't involved.

Yeah, well, there's a big problem between Charlie and me.

My granddaughter's never been baptized.

Christ on a pony, why the hell not?!

- What the hell's the matter with your boy? - There's a long list.

He's selfish, he thinks he knows everything,

he's got his mother's hips, and he's agnostic.

Agnostic?

How can anybody doubt God

when they've seen a picture of Angie Dickinson?

Amen.