Love, Rosie

Take a deep breath and start at the beginning.

Tell them how we first met.

- Hi. - Hi.

Alex Stewart?

Tell them that

ever since we shared our dreams...

- Yeah! - Yeah!

I had a dream last night.

Even Alex's weirdest ones.

You know a rowing boat?

That little curvy bit the oar sits in?

- It's called a rollock, by the way. - A what?

Rollock, like "bollock" with an "R."

That was me. I was that thing.

No. Keep that as our secret.

Rosie? Rosie, it's time.

Tell them that this is,

that this has to be...

Everybody!

One of the happiest days of my life.

Please!

For those I haven't had the chance to say hi to properly,

I'm Rosie.

And this has got to be

one of the happiest days of my life.

- (SOBBING) - (BELL TOLLING)

Shots!

Yeah! Beyoncé!

Yeah!

Whoa!

Hi, Alex. How's it going, mate?

All right. - (DOOR CLOSES)

It's Alex!

It was totally my fault, the whole thing.

Oh, I'd love to believe you, Alex, I really would.

I just happen to know my own daughter.

A fine doctor you're gonna make

if this is how you carry on.

Why is everybody shouting?

I'm so embarrassed about last night.

No, no, you don't have to be.

Ugh, I behaved so badly!

Yeah, but bad can be good, too.

Good? It was awful. Oh, I feel sick even thinking about it.

About which part?

All of it. It never happened.

Alex, OK? You can't tell anyone!

- Right. - (DOOR OPENS)

- (GROANS) - Go, go. go!

How did we get home from the hospital?

Uh, Mum picked us up.

They needed a parent's name,

so, I obviously didn't want to give yours.

And she thinks it's my fault anyway,

I'm a terrible influence. Blah, blah, blah.

Oh, well, you are.

So, now, I have to spend two hours

in the library every day for a fortnight.

- Nightmare. - Well, it could be worse.

Bethany Williams has just got a part-time job there.

Yeah, right.

What?

- Bethany Williams? - Mmm.

Forget it, even I want to sleep with her.

For your information, she has been giving me the eye.

She's probably just wondering

why you haven't squeezed that zit on your forehead.

- Fuck off! - No. Come here. I can do it for you.

Don't touch me! Don't you dare!

Ow!

Just look at Greg right now. What a bimbo.

Seriously hot, though.

He invited me to the school dance.

Uh, what did you say?

No, obviously. I'm going with you.

Hey, Alex.

I missed you in the library today.

Yeah, uh, I had nothing...

Uh, I mean, yeah. I was a bit... A bit of busy...

Don't be a stranger.

Yeah.

Yeah, absolutely not.

I'll see you there.

- Hey, girls! What did he say to you?

Pathetic.

She's mine for the taking.

You're lucky she didn't trip over your tongue

dragging halfway across the ground.

Whoa. OK. All right.

Well, give me some tips then, if you are so clever.

How do I go about seducing a woman

who is apparently out of my league?

- Is that a serious question? - Yeah, absolutely.

Mmm, well, you're at a disadvantage

being a, you know, virgin.

No, no, no, all right?

We can work with that.

First you have to be cool. Ignore her.

Act like you could take it or leave it.

- You see, that I've had practice at. - Hmm.

Uh, second, you have to make her feel like

you've seen something in her no one else has.

Like her soul.

While also ignoring her?

Yes.

OK, and what happened to the sex?

This is about the sex!

God! You're so fucked up.

Mmm. You have no idea.

She wants me to take her to the dance.

Really?

Yeah, imagine.

Take her, if it means that much to you.

Come on. You'd have no one to go with.

Uh...

I got asked by the fittest guy in our year, Alex.

I think I'm fine.

What, so actually this is quite convenient for you.

Yeah.

All right. Well, yeah, I'll go ask her then.

Go for it.

OK. Fine, I will.

- Bethany? Bethany, hi. Hey.

Yeah!

Come on.

Me, too.

I need to concentrate so I can pass my exams

and get a life.

Not Bethany!

Fuck!

Right, Rosie Dunne, get yourself down to the headmaster's office.

No, no, no, it was my fault, Mr. Simpson.

I had something I needed to tell her.

So I see, Alex. Congratulations.

Yes, Alex! - (STUDENTS LAUGHING)

I know we're not officially talking,

but I need help with my tie.

For a minute there, I thought you might be

in love with me or something.

Alex, you will forever be the boy

who wiped bogeys on my favourite party dress, OK?

- (CHUCKLES) - Don't flatter yourself.

Good.

I know boy-girl friendships

can be quite complicated sometimes,

but you know I'm always here if you need to talk.

What do you think?

Boobs au naturel or pushed up?

In? Or out?

Well, uh, I mean, it depends.

Is it for dancing, or is it, um...

Hmm.

Who knows?

So, where is this tool meant to be meeting you?

You're so rude! Um, I think at the front.

Uh, yes...

Hey, gorgeous.

Oh.

See ya!

Wanker.

OK.

Fuck!

Oh, just...

- You have done this before? - Yeah. Haven't you?

It's like brushing my teeth.

Ahh! Bollocks!

- That's... Look, let me help you... - No, leave it!

OK, I've got it. Fuck! Ouch.

OK, quick! Quick, OK.

Here we go! OK, quick!

- Sweet Jesus! - (GROANS)

Oh.