Modern Family

Hey.

That staycation beard's really taking shape, dad.

It's starting to trap food.

Yep.

It's gone from itchin' to bitchin'.

And you're still rocking the sweats.

Every day this week. Same underwear?

What underwear?

Hold that thought. Do I have to?

Mayor's office. City of Phila-Dunphy-a.

I'm sorry. I just got done.

My computer crashed,

and we got four pallets of hinges from Taiwan

with faulty riveting.

At least your story's riveting.

It's clever. I'll tell you later.

Hey, why is the minivan in the driveway?

You parked me in this morning.

I was running late for a meeting,

so I just took Haley's Corolla.

Fun.

It would be if it didn't smell like

the inside of Bob Marley's laundry hamper.

Anyway, I've got a bunch more calls to make.

I'm not gonna have time to cook tonight.

We could go out.

There's that new restaurant... Sliders.

The gimmick is they built it on a slant,

and the waiters all wear socks.

That doesn't sound good at all.

Can you just order something?

Yeah, you got it. Great.

What are you doing? Run away, little dog.

Fine. Go around you.

You're not gonna move.

'Cause I'm not stopping for you.

I'm stopping for you.

Damn. Ohh!

Move it!

Seriously?

Don't forget you have to watch Joe while we have company.

Again? Yes, again.

What is the problem?

He always wants to watch his show "Mystery Kidz," with a "Z."

It's insufferable.

Now you know what I felt

when I had to watch your favorite show.

"Masterpiece Theater"?

It was hosted by a creepy puppet.

That was Alan Cumming.

Ay, Jay, you have to add two more chairs.

For who?

It's us, the McClouds, and the Sharps.

I also invited my friend Dana and her husband, Reece.

Reece? Who's Reece?

I just told you. Dana's husband.

I met her at the PTA lunch,

and she's the only woman in the anti-bullying campaign

that I don't want to punch in the face.

Why would I want these people in my house

messing up my poker game?

Maybe you'll meet new friends.

We've been over this before. I don't want any new friends.

I have the exact-right number of friends.

Jay, your friends have been around

since before the movies could talk.

I don't think it's the worst idea

to start getting some backups.

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Hey, daddy, what's a lowest common denominator?

Reality TV. That's hilarious,

but I've got a quiz tomorrow.

Uh...

What is that noise?

Let me remind you that it's been weeks

since we've had a tenant up there.

So you rented it to a rock band?

A Christian rock band.

Oh, good. Okay, so they're noisy and judge-y.

Shame on you and your narrow, big-city attitude.

I've known many accepting people of faith.

And I've been chased into a lake.

So I guess we're both entitled to our opinion.

Oh, oh, oh... No!

Okay. Guys. Absolutely not.

Coop: Come in.

Hey.

This is Mitchell, and the music sounds great.

Just wondering if you could turn it down a-a skosh.

Yeah, of course. We're sorry.

Just giving the guy upstairs a taste of our new song.

He means God. Really?

There's no third floor I don't know about?

We love the place, by the way.

It's just scrumptious.

Good! Good!

So, you guys are a Christian rock band?

Water to Wine. Yeah, that's us.

Well, I hope you're not expecting

to bring all your groupies back here.

Don't worry.

The Soldiers of the Lamb Church

forbids premarital relations.

- Mm. - Of course.

But I can think of a few ladies

I wouldn't mind multiplying with

after our elders give us their blessings.

I heard that. Oh!

We love girls!

As long as you guys are here, I need an outsider's opinion.

I'm working on a song,

but these guys think it's too soft.

Do you mind?

Um... lay it on us, bro.

Okay.

Aw, dang it, Dex, you're bumming me out!

Whoa. Calm down, Coop.

Just 'cause we're in the city

doesn't mean we got to talk like it.

I'm so sorry.

You know what, Dex, I like that song.

Yeah. What's the title?

I call it "A Cry for Help."

- Did you hear that? - Yeah, I'm standing right here.

You're back again?

Oh. Missed you, too.

Sanjay's home this weekend.

It's kind of a big day for us... Our first anniversary.

Look what I got him.

It's a hadrosaur metacarpal

for his dinosaur bone collection.

Too much?

Well, what's the equivalent gift if you guys were normal?

Like, a Starbucks card or a Rolex?

Kind of like a really nice microscope.

You're not helping.

I thought the gift for a first nerd anniversary

was inhaler.

Hey. Where's your dad?

Upstairs. Why?

You got us a dog?!

No, no!

It's a stray,

and we are not keeping him.

Be quiet.

Your dad cannot know he's here.

If he sees him, he'll get all attached,

and there's no getting rid of it.

Oh, it'll be like Luke all over again.

At least they were married when they had me.

You ruined mom's life.

Hmm. Stop.

I am now very happy I have all of you.

But I just can't take care of another living creature.

Then why'd you bring it home?

I couldn't leave it in the street.

Phil: Claire, is that you?

Take care of it.

I'm not gonna kill a dog.

Hide it in your room.

Is that what I think it is? Uh, no.

Yeah, pizza's here.

Oh.

How you doing?

What was that?

I'm the pizza monster!

It's this new character I'm doing.

I love it. I really love it.

I didn't really love it.

It felt a little close to my Chicken Pot Pirate.

It's a mystery.

Who's that?

Noni. She can be invisible.

- Who's that? - Gogo.

He can jump off of buildings.

This is the most unrealistic show I've ever seen.

Who's that?

Yes, great. I will open the gate.

Reece. Probably can't even work a gate.

Maybe you'll like him.

He's the Kings' dentist.

Well, hoity-toity. I'm the emperor's closet maker.

The L.A. Kings hockey team.

Kings' dentist. Why does he say it like that?

What, is he trying to be all fancy?

He didn't say anything. I said it.

- Hi! - Hi!

- Hello. - Hi.

Dana, Reece, this is my husband, Jay.

- Hi. Jay. Pleasure. - Hello.

- Hi, Reece. How are you? - Hey, Jay.

Dana, come with me to the kitchen

while the boys get to know each other.

All right.

Did you hear they're thinking

of eliminating cursive at the school?

All of it, or just the "F" word?

I brought you some Scotch.