M*A*S*H

MAN (on P. A.): Attention, all personnel.

Because of the epidemic, tonight's broken film,

which has not arrived yet,

is canceled.

A reminder from Colonel Blake‐‐

due to the flu, kindly refrain from kissing anyone

unless absolutely necessary.

Come on, Trap.

See if you can bite the spoon.

If you eat it all, you can see the picture

at the bottom of the bowl.

The three little pigs in escrow.

Why do doctors always make such lousy patients?

If you were a patient, would you trust you?

Come on, now. One for General MacArthur?

He hasn't had a thing.

Pierce comma Hawkeye.

Lieutenant Anderson, Sheila.

‐You look new. ‐Only one owner.

Ah, a sense of humor.

Hey, my nose has no teeth.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Lieutenant Anderson, this is Captain McIntyre,

a doctor with the 24‐hour flu,

which is now in its third day.

Hi.

I wish we'd met when I was alive.

Come on now, one for Ward Bond?

Attention, all OR personnel. Attention.

‐They're playing our announcement. ‐Incoming casualties.

See if you can get him to eat something.

‐Otherwise, start him on IV. ‐Right.

If he makes a grab at you,

let him. He needs the exercise.

You'll be playing the violin again in no time.

You know something? There's a good chance

I may not catch that old devil flu.

Oh? You have your own private immunity, Doctor?

You're invulnerable to viral infections?

I breathe through my ears.

Pipe down, will you, Pierce?

It's like living in a wind tunnel,

but it fools the germs hanging around my nose.

You okay, Jacobs?

I'll be all right, Doctor.

Oh, that's good.

Because I'm deathly ill.

What's the matter, Henry?

Stop doing Jolson and get to bed.

I'm fine, fine. I'll be just fine.

Jacobs, put him to bed,

and take the next one for yourself.

‐I'm fine. I'm just fine. ‐Yes, Doctor.

Put a screen in between your beds.

He's most dangerous when he's on his back.

Don't thank me until you get my bill.

The big, dumb, strong ones always go first.

‐Suction. ‐Suction.

Okay, we're ready to close.

4‐0 silk. And mop my forehead.

Doctor, I just did.

Don't argue with me. Just do what I‐‐

The lights are‐‐

Doctor!

Stay where you are. Don't leave the table.

Father, give him a stool.

Margaret, you think you can land the plane by yourself?

‐I think so. ‐All right, help Sheila.

‐Gloves. ‐Nothing clever.

Just close and call me when you're finished

so I can check your embroidery.

Right.

Father, belly up to the instrument tray.

Give him some gloves here. Left one first.

4‐0 silk on Keith's needle.

4‐0 silk.

Deaver retractor.

Uh, what?

Deaver retractor.

The curly thing with the curl.

Oh, oh... the Deaver retractor.

They do give them complicated names.

That's the cross we bear, Father.

How's Frank?

He's unconscious.

Saving lives at last.

Suction, Father.

Oh. Coming right up.

Father, as long as we're working together,

is it all right if I call you Dad?

Look, General, I realize

that flu is epidemic in the whole theatre,

but I'm all alone here.

I'm a humble captain.

Yeah, I‐‐ Yes, I know.

I know I'm a capable young surgeon.

Let me add, I have good prospects

and I'm a‐‐ I'm a great catch.

But I'm not looking for a husband.

I need help here.

I‐‐ Just send me some hands.

Anybody‐‐ Jack the Ripper.

Anybody who's good with a knife.

But‐‐

General, I‐I understand the problem.

When am I gonna get somebody here?

Days?

Thank you, General. You've been a big help.

Everything I said to him went in one star

and out the other.

Uh, anything I can do to help...

That's a nice offer, Radar,

but unless you can graduate medical school

in the next two hours, forget it.

I suppose you realize you're ranking surgeon now.

It's hard to believe

I'm sitting in Henry Blake's chair.

This is the chair from which a thousand indecisions

have been launched.

Yes, sir.

Tell you what we're gonna do, Radar.

Uh, check the personnel directory,

call Seoul, Tokyo, Okinawa, and Pusan.

See if we can get another surgeon to come in here and help you.

You put the words right into my mouth.

Yes, sir.

Don't get fresh.

Come in.

Margaret.

I've done this often, but I never dare dream it.

Mind your tongue.

Frank's flat on his back.

I think we should follow his example.

Frank wants his Bible. Where is it?

It's over there under his catalog from the Japanese sex shop.

He doesn't have one of those.

He's even making a shopping list.

You'll find the page creased under the inflatables section.

Patch kits included.

Oh, will you be serious for just one minute, please?

I am, Margaret.

You know, there's a frontier feeling around here.

Joel McCrea is in bed.

So is Ralph Bellamy and Colonel Andy Devine.

Now there's just you and me‐‐

Frances Dee and Slim Summerville.

Why do you talk like that?

I can't help it. I'm part of the movie generation.

I spent every Saturday morning and afternoon in the dark.

I'm really not interested.

I could easily have been a mushroom instead of a doctor.

I'll tell you what you're not. You're not commanding officer.

Oh, yeah?

As a major, I'm next in command.

Okay, you take charge.

You've just been waiting for a chance to take over, haven't you?

Look, I want a command

about as much as I want a scholarship to Devil's Island.

Let's have a clear understanding.

You won't take yes for an answer, will you?

I'll get to the real thrust of what I'm saying.

You're the sorest winner I ever met.

You've emasculated me for the last time.

I'm in charge now.

Okay, Madame President.

You take care of the surgical matters,

and I'll handle administration.

We'll be so busy,

we'll never see each other, darling.

After you, sir.

I suppose you're wondering why I asked you all here tonight.

Years ago, each of you did something terrible to me.

What are you talking about?

Nothing. You're in charge. You take over.

Oh, now don't be foolish.

I wouldn't presume to tell you anything about surgery.

All right, let's get organized.

Father, you'll be working with Sheila.

This is a promising young surgeon who prays a lot.

Got a great touch, especially on Sunday.

All right.

Okay, uh, scalpel.

Scalpel.

Kelly clamp.

Kelly.

Okay, promising young surgeon, give me your hand.

All right, hold that down, right there. You got it?

Yes, I'm holding it.

All right. Don't let go of it.

All right. There are no fragments.

Irrigate the wound

‐and pack it over. ‐Yes, Doctor.

Margaret? Over here. Kelly, gloves.

All right, you're really in charge here, Commander.

You'll work with Wilson.

You're so scared,

I'd like to put my sterile arms around you.

I'm okay.

Okay. Scalpel.

Scalpel.