Three Little Words

Five bows and an encore.

Not bad for a Tuesday night, huh?

They loved you, Jess.

Come on. I'll buy you a steak.

Hey, wait. I want to watch Mendoza's opening trick.

What, again?

Hiya, Jess. Bert, big news. Hi.

I just closed the deal for you.

Eighty weeks solid on the Orpheum time.

Two seasons straight.

How do you like that?

Watch this. It's terrific, huh?

Here's your new song, hot off the presses.

"'Where Did You Get That Girl"

"Words by Bert Kalmar,

coauthor of 'Hello, Hawaii"

'Oh! What a Pal Was Mary.'"

Am I an agent?

Yeah, yeah. Now look, look.

Hey, what's going on?

Magic is going on.

Oh.

Come in.

Oh, I thought you'd be dressed by now.

Jess, listen, come here.

I've got a great idea.

I'm opening for the new act.

I come out in one, see. I'm a magician.

Oh, a magician.

Yeah. And I'm in a full dress suit,

medals on my chest...

Um, maybe a mustache, and a little goatee.

Yes, I adore little goatees.

A-and... And you come on as my assistant.

I hand you my gloves...

Hey, wait a minute.

You're not walking out on me, are you?

Not yet.

What did you open the door for?

Because I'm a nice girl, Mr. Kalmar.

And a nice girl always leaves the door open.

You know, we could fix all that

so you wouldn't have to worry about doors.

We could get married.

I'd like that.

Maybe someday when you're not so rushed, Bert.

So you don't have to propose in short pants.

Listen, Jess, I'm not kidding.

Neither am I.

You're too busy, Bert.

A big headliner, important songwriter...

A magician.

Now, you're writing a play.

You want to be everything

in show business all at once.

And I just want to be your wife.

Uh-uh.

You couldn't light in one spot long enough for the ceremony.

Okay, Jess.

But if you ever do decide to marry me,

you'll speak right up, won't you?

You'll be the first to know.

Thanks, Jess.

Well... what about that magic idea?

Uh-uh.

Well, what's the matter?

Just a couple of tricks for an opening.

And for a finish you saw me in half. Uh-uh.

Next thing you know, you'll be doing a single.

"Kalmar The Magnificent!"

Maybe you think I couldn't.

Maybe I'll surprise you.

Nothing you did would surprise me.

You know, sometimes I think you'd rather be a bad magician

than a good actor.

How do I look?

Beautiful.

Do I need a flower?

What for?

I think I need a flower.

Pretty fancy, huh?

Just wonderful.

Telephone, Mr. Kalmar.

Okay. Be right back.

Clanahan's Paradise, the best beer on the island.

See Kendall The Great,

miracles and marvels of magic.

And appearing on the stage right now,

The Four Little Boys in Gray.

Fifteen acts of...

Psst.

Psst. Psst.

Giants 4, Philadelphia 2. End of the 7th.

I'll take over. Thank you.

Hey, Ruby.

Yes, sir?

Where are you going?

This is my supper hour.

I thought I'd go out for a catch.

Yeah? Well, take it on the hop

to dressing room four.

Kendall The Great needs an assistant.

Oh?

Say, uh, Mr. Clanahan,

would you mind if I asked one of the acts

to sing a song that I wrote?

It's called "On the Shores of Araby."

It goes like this:

You wrote that?

Yes, sir. Words and music both.

Well, take it on the hop to dressing room four.

Kendall The Great needs an assistant.

Yes, sir.

Come in!

Mr. Kendall?

Ebbetts Field is that way.

No, I'm your assistant.

Mr. Clanahan said.

Okay. Take those boxes backstage

and pile them up behind the drapes. Yes, sir.

When I'm on, I'll give you this signal, like this.

Whenever you hear that, you take the top box,

shove an animal through the hole in the drapes

and into the back of the table.

Got it? Mm. Animals, huh?

I want them the way they are,

in just that order. Yes.

And don't fool around with that goose. He's vicious.

Oh, they usually are.

Ladies and gentlemen, since time began,

man has placed his trust

in the witch doctor, the sorcerer and the voodoo.

Who dares to call them frauds?

Watch carefully, please.

Is this trickery or magic?

Now, I have here a gentleman's ordinary silk hat.

As you can plainly see, there are no secret pockets

and no hidden springs.

I place the hat on the table...

Go on. Get in there.

Go on. What are you waiting for?

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the identical hat,

I fill it from this pitcher of water.

Is this trickery or magic?

Ooh, look, a goose!

Yeah, but don't go near him.

He's vicious. Look...

Ow! Oh!

Oh! Oh. Oh.

Oh, come on.

I would like your attention, please.

Watch carefully.

Here.

- Now think of a card. - Any card in the deck.

Scientific explanation of mind over matter...

I'm sorry.

For my next deception, I have here a little hankie...

What's going on...? ugh.

I'll be right back, Mr. Clanahan.

Ooh.

Uh... ahem.

Did you see a goose go by here?

I saw a lot of them down there.

Watch carefully, please.

Ordinary hat.

Ordinary drinking water.

I pour it in the hat like this:

Place it on my head like that:

Where is he? Where is he?!

Just a minute, you.

That baseball player, if I ever lay my hands on him...!

Get out of my theater and don't ever come back!

Aah!

I ought to sue you for that performance!

I ought to take you to court, you small-time swami.

Aw, shut up.

Oh.

Hello.

What are you doing here?

Charlie traced you for me. Nice comedy routine, Bert.

Aah!