Hollywood Adventures (横冲直撞好莱坞)

Subtitle by kterydragon

Four days ago,

I was still a fortunate man.

Thanks to my careful planning, my life was comfortable, sastifying, and perfect.

Of course, I didn't look this pathetic.

Today, I was supposed to propose to my girfriend.

But instead...

things got turned upside down.

PEKING

My parents always said to me,

"If you don't plan to fail, then don't fail to plan."

And don't put off until tomorrow, what you can do today.

It's all for a greater purpose.

And remember that the details are important.

Because you never know when you will meet someone important to you.

So I workout three times a week. I eat right.

No matter if things are big or small, I treat them carefully

I have everything in my life under control.

There are no surprises. Well... almost none.

The car salesman's handbook says there are three steps to success:

Start early, stay focused and finish with a smile.

I know you probably think I'm boring, but I'm very happy with my life.

Especially because I have a great girlfriend.

With her, I have the most important plan of my life.

Hi, honey! What a coincidence. I was just thinking about you.

I wanted to chat with you too. I got a job in LA.

America?

I'm working as an assisstant at Wronald Wright Productions.

But I thought you wanted to be a lawyer?

Xiaoming, I think we should spend some time apart.

Break up?

Xiaoming, you're a great guy and I know had everything all planned out,

but I'm still figuring out my life.

I know this must be difficult. We can make plans, just not together.

- Bye. - But, I already made plans...

All my plans got messed up. There was only thing left to do...

Today we'll talk about the most popular reality TV show in America.

"Punch me". It's the #1 hit!

Punch me! Punch me! Punch me...

Oh, America...

Hi, I'm actor Gary Buesheimer. Saving endangered species...

This is Hollywood! We can do anything.

Can you get my girlfriend back?

Yan Yan?

Ready? Set...

Yan Yan needs me. I'm coming! Wait for me, Yan Yan! I'm coming!

I can't wait any longer! I'm going to America now!

Go!

Or maybe after I wake up.

Even in a daze, nothing was more in focus than my need,

to find a ticket to America.

Shit! Chinese New Year! I probably couldn't even get a ticket to the Great Wall!

Everthing is booked. Time is running out. I have to get to Yan Yan.

As long as I could get Yan Yan back, I would even go to hell and back!

But what idiot would by a ticket from such an ugly looking website?

This idiot...

Let me introduce myself. My name is Fang Dawei. You can just call me Dawei.

I'm Xiaoming.

Oh yes, of course.

Oh Do you know we're the only two in this tour departing from Beijing?

What a coincidence! Only two of us!

Looks like I'm not the only idiot.

Thank you.

No problem. Anytime you need help, just ask! We're on the same tour, we're best buddies!

I'm really exhausted now. I really want to go to sleep.

- Good night. - Sorry, goodnight.

Wow! The house Drew Barrymore lived in, in "E.T."!

We'll be touring that! Do you know that E.T.?

"E.T." "Phone home."

You know that extraterrestrial? Always pointing that finger?

E.T. is one of my top five favorite movies! What's your favorite movie?

I'm not part of the tour.

I'm going to LA to get my girlfriend back.

Getting your girlfriend back from LA?

If we were in a movie, I doubt your plan would go smoothly.

But it could be the two of us,

on the road, encountering all kinds of strange situations.

I'll be there supporting you all the way.

I can be your wisecracking sidekick!

We could name our movie "Hollywood Adventures"!

We're going to the Studios where "2 Broke Girls" is shot.

Did you know that? What's up, bitches?

My Kat Dennings! She's so hot!

Do you know that when "2 Broke Girls" premiered,

it was the highest-rated fall premiere in 10 years! Did you know that?

- I have to use the bathroom. - Go for it! It's bad for you to hold your pee.

That guy is so annoying! All he talked was movies.

If only life were a movie.

At least movies are all scripted and there are no accidents.

Open the door!

AIRPORT OF LOS ANGELES

I'm Harvey Milsap, your translator.

Oh thank God! This is all a misunderstanding.

I fell asleep in the plane's bathroom. I was so tired when I boarded the plane

This guy next to me kept talking in my ear, blah blah blah... I couldn't shut him up.

so I went to the bathroom to take a nap.

and then I woke up, and we landed.

If you ask me to shut up and lock me in the bathroom,

I guarantee...

- you in jail! - What?

- Which flight did you take? - 1-3-1-4 to America.

- Death? - What did he say about America?

He just said, "Death to America."

Whatever surprise he has planned for our country,

- Yes! - Oh, I'll dig it out of him.

Hollywood Adventures! Hey, everyone please come closer! Do not be shy!

Welcome to Hollywood Adventures.

My name is Wei Wei. I'll be your guide.

- It looks like we're still missing... - We are in trouble now!

My travel buddy, Xiaoming, he ate something bad on the plane, and had to stay in the bathroom all night.

Then he got taken away by police.

Troublemaker!

I didn't know it yet, but a hurricane on two beautiful legs'd just walked into my life.

Long live His Majesty!

Please pardon me, Your Majesty!

Your Majesty! Please don't have me beheaded!

"Your Majesty"?

You do know whose ass you're about to stick your hand up?

- He is the next emperor of China. - Who are you?

Listen and listen well: His Majesty's asshole is sacred.

Are you out of your mind? Let's be clear, I don't know this woman.

Wait, China doesn't have an emperor. Do they?

What? Everybody knows China has an emperor.

Nod if you want to leave here soon.

See? Everybody knows.

Nod if you also want to leave.

Congratulations! You've just stepped into the middle of an international incident.

- Oh, no! - It's all good! It's all good!

Hey, I'm talking to you. What was that back there? I had everything under control!

- I'm talking to you! Who are you? - I just saved your miniscule life.

If it wasn't for me, you'd have been deported or worse.

- But you don't have to thank me. - Are you kidding me?

This is definitely a romantic comedy.

Our two leading actors don't like each other from the start. Cool!

- Shit down. - What did you say?

Please sit down.

- Hi! They sent us these as a gift. - This is my seat?

- Congratulation! A sweet couple! - Thank you.

Did you know the tickets are for the honeymoon package?

Hi, Leave a message.

Wow, It's just like in the movies. This place looks dangerous.

You call that a five star hotel? More like a fleabag motel.

Hey, theif!

Do you need help?

Thief! Thief! Theif!

- I should've gone after them. - It'd be a piece of cake for you to catch them.

- Yeah, I could've! - Chill out.

I brought a lot of clothes. You can borrow whatever you want.

Welcome to America. Ha! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

My motto is: "Top-notch accommodations for top-notch people."

Why does this guy look like HAN from "Fast and Furious"?

My name is Mr. Manny Love. I'm the manager of this wonderful establish...

- Taxi? - Where's the fire, bro?

There's no taxis in L.A.

Hey, look. We can't let people from the tour group start wandering around. Alright?

It's a matter of liability.

- I think he's saying you can't leave. - Yeah, I got that.

In fact, our insurance policy says that.

we gotta hold on to your valuables!

It's optional. It's up to you. But not really.

In exchange, you're gonna get a stack of this Manny Money voucher.

And you can use these at any of our Hollywood Adventures stops.

Manny Money! Even has my picture on it, so you know they're legit.

Am I right?

Xiaoming... Why were you calling for a taxi?

I'm going to look for my girlfriend.

What do you mean by that? Were you trying to ditch me?

I'm here to look for my girlfriend.

Do you really think I'm here for a honeymoon with you?

- Are you doing this on purpose? - No...

I didn't mean it earlier. Will you forgive me?

I can't forgive you. I'm asleep.

Come on down to Tommy's Golf Shop. We buy golf clubs! That's right! We buy...

Punch me! Punch me! Yeah!

A long-time collaboration between film Director, Wronald Wright

and the mega-popular international sensation actor Gary Buesheimer is over.

We know them as having collaborated on some of the top

box-office sensations for the last 10 years.

Rise from your slumber! Look alive!

Well, that's all over now.

Because just after filming their latest hit, "Another Man's Kiss",

Wright caught Buesheimer in bed with his wife,

up-and-coming starlet Kelly Ashley.

Wow! Seems that endangered animals are't the only wild things

that Buesheimer likes to unleash.

Oh, Kat Dennings, my goddess.

- Okay, smile. - Oscar statue!

Say cheese!

- It must be made of pure gold. - That's good.

Hi, leave a message.

Hi, Yan Yan. It's me. I have something really important to tell you.

This star has the most famous rodent in Hollywood.

- And you can take a picture. - Beauty.

I think that squirrel is staring at me. Is it because I'm too good-looking?

You're thinking too much.

Hi, leave a message.

Hi, it's me again. I'm not sure why the phone got cut off earlier.

I don't know if you got my last voicemail. Can you...

Damnit!

Okay, time to go!