Highston

So...

your son imagines that celebrities are his friends.

That's right.

And do you feel this delusion is harmful to him?

We're not sure. It just doesn't seem normal.

Some of them have actually helped him, I think.

That's right. You wouldn't think it,

because she's kind of slutty-like,

but Madonna had some very good advice.

Madonna? The pop singer?

I believe she also acts.

She told Highston to stay in school

and always wear a condom.

You know who gave him appalling advice was

that Daniel-Day Lewis.

That's true.

I cannot watch another one of his films

after what he said to our boy. What a wacko.

Although I did catch "There Will Be Blood" recently

and liked it.

The title spoiled it for me.

I like to be surprised as to whether or not there will be blood.

Mom, there's no blood, there's no movie.

Now...

you're talking about an imaginary Daniel Day-Lewis, not the real one.

Oh, yes, he's never met the real Daniel Day-Lewis,

just the one who's not real.

Highston. That's an unusual name.

He's named after my grandpa Highston

who was a hero in World War II.

He even earned a medal.

What was he awarded for?

Uh, he was tortured.

Well, those Nazis could be cruel.

- Oh, no, it was friendly torture. - Sorry?

It was his own troops who tortured him.

My God, that's awful. They mistook him for the enemy?

Oh, no, they knew exactly what they were doing.

And you're Highston's Uncle Billy?

Well, I wasn't present for the conception

so I just have to take their word for it.

Okay. But I understand you live with the family.

Do you feel Highston should be in a psychiatric facility?

I feel, if Highston belongs in a psychiatric facility,

we all belong in a psychiatric facility,

so I'd have to say yes.

Okay. Do you think that Highston will agree to treatment?

Depends on who his friend is today.

If it's someone nice like Meryl Streep,

she'll probably be able to talk him into it.

Yeah, but if it's an asshole like Donald Trump,

it might be tough.

Hi, Flea.

Hello, Highston Liggetts.

I'm a big fan.

I love the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

"Scar Tissue", that's one of my favorite songs.

Well, thank you very much. Thank you, Highston.

I always think of you as the consummate musician.

- Really? - No, really.

I mean, you are a true artist

who follows his muse no matter what the consequences.

You've honored your unique talents

by not whoring yourself for commercial gain,

and that's truly admirable.

It's a rare and beautiful thing these days

not to be a whore.

Those are such kind words, Highston.

Flea: So what can I do for you?

Well, there is something that I've been wrestling with.

Your parents wanting to institutionalize you?

Oh, no, I figure they must have their reasons.

Then what is it?

I was wondering...

- where all matter comes from. - Hmm.

Well, there's definitely a lot of math and science involved,

and if you got to the bottom of all that,

I wouldn't rule out divine magic.

You know, I mean, Einstein always said,

when you get all those equations,

at the bottom of it was God, you know?

Who really knows?

But what I think is that

I don't know.

Highston, would you join us, please?

Have a seat.

So, Highston, how are you feeling?

I feel great. Thank you for asking.

Is there anyone with you today?

- Yes. Flea. - Oh, for fucks sake.

- Bud, don't say "fucks." - What's a Flea?

The Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Don't you guys remember him playing in just a sock?

Well, that's dangerous. You should have two socks in case of splinters.

- No, Mom, not his feet. - Oh.

- Oh. - Oh! Chili Peppers!

Never cared for their music.

Oh, Flea can hear you.

Tell Flea I'm sorry.

Fuck you, you pompous brain diddling asshole.

Did Flea say something?

He said, "Apology accepted."

Flea is a musical genius.

And anyone who doesn't recognize that can kiss my ass.

Well, thank you, Billy.

Listen to Flea play, and you'll know what it means to be a human.

Uh, great.

Anyway.

Highston, I would like to invite you

to come stay here awhile.

Your call, dude. I'm here for you either way.

I would... I'd prefer to stay home.

Well, how about you come by, take some tests,

maybe speak with a counselor.

Follow your heart. The brain's overrated.

Could I talk it over with Flea first?

And Stephen Hawking?

He's really smart on personal matters, too.

I'm afraid that President Lincoln has passed away.

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?

What? Too soon?

I love "The Stunted Show."

I used to write for television, you know.

I didn't know that, Uncle Billy. What shows?

Not for that television. For the one up here.

I really wanted to write a novel,

but I never had enough paper.

- I can get you some. - Nah.

It's too late now.

- -

You see, I don't care for horse racing.

- Cruelty to animals. - Hey!

You don't think they'd ride us if they could?

That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Where is a horse gonna get a human saddle?

I'm just saying, animals are assholes.

If you think horses wouldn't have us

breeding in unheated sheds

and racing in the mud if they could,

then you're kidding yourself.

Well, I never cared much for mud,

but I wouldn't mind breeding in a shed.

So, Uncle Billy,

what do think I should do?

I think you're fine.

- Billy, he sees ghosts. - They're not ghosts.

- They're my friends. - Oprah's your friend?

Neil Young is your friend?

Bill Gates is your friend.

Oh, my God.

We hang out. We talk about girls.

What's Bill Gates like?

Oh, he's very intelligent.

Yeah, I knew it.

He eats a lot more than I would have thought.

Well, sure. Thinking makes you hungry.

That's what I've always found.

Oh, it's time for my dance lesson.

Who's your teacher? Fred Astaire?

Don't be silly. Fred Astaire is dead.

Yeah! Shake it, Shaq! Whoo!

Some of this.

Then some of that.

That's how you do it.

I don't know. I'm not a good dancer.

Remember what choreographer Martha Graham said.

"We learn by practice."

Come on, let's go. Get it.

Yeah, give me some bird sounds.

- - The body says what the words cannot!

Martha Graham! Let's go!

Repeat it! The body says what the words cannot!

The body says what the words cannot.

The body says what the words cannot!

- - Fly away, little birdie!

Is there supposed to be a keyboard?

Oh, shoot.

Should we rehearse it one more time?

No, I think I'm ready.

Highston? Highston.

- Highston. - Oh, hi.

Um, Highston, we think it's time

for you to find yourself

and figure out what you wanna do with your life.

We know it's not easy to study on the family computer,

so we went out to Value Village,

and we got you this.

Are you sure your parents are for real, Highston?

And this book says there's something called Crunge 3.0

that you can learn in just a week.

And there was a man there who was missing a finger

who said you'd need those disks.

Where's the goddamn keyboard?

Yeah, where's the goddamn keyboard?

- Highston! - Oh, sorry.

Isn't there supposed to be a keyboard?

We're still looking for one.

Have you tried looking in 2005?

Anyway, son, the thing is,

you're 19 now.