Blue Mountain State

You know I have a yellow belt in three different martial arts?

It's true. I'd show you, but I don't want to kill you.

Drink, drink, drink, drink!

Hey hey, whose phone is that? Cut the music, Donnie.

I'm gonna close my eyes and count to three

and when I open them, somebody will be answering their phone!

Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink!

It's coming from in here.

Whassup? You've reached the goat house.

We can't make it to the phone right now

- because we're probably partying super hard... - Uh... Nope.

- On top of the fridge. - It's here.

- Check-- check the refrigerator. - We'll get back to you asap.

BMS, party on!

- What the hell is it? - It's an answering machine.

Hey, it's me.

This is awkward, but...

I'm pregnant.

So we need to figure this out.

I'm keeping it and I have expectations.

Call me back.

Can you feel that?

You better hold on. This one's about to get bumpy.

- Come on, girls. - Daddy, daddy!

Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey.

- Hey, I got a surprise for you. - What is it?

- This! - Jon Jon, get him off the field.

Go back to mommy.

- You know I saw Joe the other day. - Joe who?

- Joe your son. - Really?

- Congratulations. - He's still bartending.

Hey, maybe you should invite him to the field sometime.

He wouldn't come.

We're not getting any younger, Marty.

Will you start the frigging practice?

Dude, why would you use condoms?

That's the stupidest thing I ever heard of in my life.

Are you serious right now?

This woman, whoever she is,

is obviously trying to trap me.

She knows I'll be making billions next year when I go pro

- and she's just looking to cash in. - Man, whatever, man.

That message was for me. Every successful athlete

got a baby mama. Shawn kemp, baby mama.

Holyfield, baby mama. Hell, even Tom Brady got a baby mama.

- Man, that baby my destiny. - She called the goat house.

I live there. You don't.

I know it's not mine. I use condoms.

And since nobody else on this team does, I'd say the odds are in my favor.

Condoms are for bananas.

- Hey, Sammy. - Oh hey.

How's it going?

I will see you later, baby, okay?

- You bet you will. - Yeah?

Oh, who's that? That's my new girlfriend.

Does she give good slow blows? Yes, she does.

- Way too hot for me, right? - Absolutely. Definitely.

- I know. Crazy. - Slow blows? I never heard of those.

Yeah, neither did I, but, man, were we missing out.

Man, I'd pay $500 just to get a picture of those girls in the shower.

Well, bam! Check this out, look at this.

- Postgame, pregame... - No way!

- Look at this. - That's your--

- Isn't that your sister? - Yeah, she walked into my shot accidentally.

- And that one-- she walked in on that one. - That's your sister.

- That's her too. - She walked in on that one too.

- She walked in-- she keeps walking in. - That's kinda weird, man.

Okay, here's the list of all the sloots I've boned in the last nine months.

Now I've run out of chalk, so let's start by

seeking out the girls in the vengeful category.

During interrogations, do not let them fool you.

They may seem harmless, but some women will be very very smart...

I'm gonna make a great father.

A lot of people don't know this, but I'm a great listener.

I only do it in the butt 'cause then girls can't get pregnant that way.

- Right? - Yeah.

- Are you writing down baby names too? - No, no, no.

I'm gonna take a victory lap. I'm going to stop by,

say hi to all the girls I've ever slept with the whole time I've been here.

It's kind of a good way to reconnect.

- What's the numbers for? - For the rankings.

- Damn, that's a great system. - Isn't that great?

My system is I just ask everybody.

- That's good. - Hey, what's up, girl?

- You pregnant? - No!

And that's why they call it the buddy system.

Okay, let's get out there and find those sloots.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Joe!

- How are you doing? - Still being super gay, dad.

- Thanks for asking. - That's good.

Hey, I want you to come by the field this week.

Maybe we can just spend some time, like back in the old days.

- Why, are you dying? - No, no.

Can we go talk someplace else?

Why, is something bothering you?

This is my boyfriend, by the way-- Demitri.

- Hello. - You know what?

- This was a mistake. - Yeah, it was.

What did you want to talk about anyway?

Cheating on our wives? Putting a football team before our own families?

- Drinking budweisers? - I don't drink budweisers.

Marty daniels, everybody! He's a shitty dad, but what a coach.

Come on, give me a shot. Okay, go.

Man, oh, I forgot how good hard liquor tastes.

You know, I used to drink it all the time, but--

it made my kinda crazy, you know what I mean?

I think I do! What do you say we pound one more beer...

- All right. - Then you give me one of your famous slow blows.

As you wish.

Awesome!

My God, I can't believe how much fun we have together.

- You're surprised that I'm fun? - Oh no, it's an expression.

What, normally I bore you?

Am I not-- not good enough for you, hmm?

No, no, no, no. No, no, no, okay, okay.

You know what? Let's just forget I said anything

and we get to the slow blow?

Slow blow, yeah, all right, yeah sure.

That sounds great.

How about this for a slow blow?

- What do you want? - My name is Thad Castle.

We boned recently and I want to make sure you're not pregnant.

Read this aloud, por favor.

"Hey, it's me. This is awkward, but I'm pregnant"?

That's great! Now try it in your real voice.

- Hi. - Alex?

Darlene, I was in the area

and I just wanted to stop by and say hello.

- Hello. - You aren't pregnant by any chance, are you?

- No. - That's good. That's a good sign.

- Can I come in, maybe? - Yeah.

Just out of the shower, huh?

I forgot to ask you-- are you pregnant?

- No. - Okay good.

That's good. That's-- that's fine.

That's great. That's great.

Slow blows? They sound amazing!

- Sometimes I wish I had a penis. - Exactly!

They're so good they make girls wish they had penises.

Sammy, can you take the goat head off? It's creeping me out.

Eh, I'd rather not if that's okay. Thanks.

Okay.

- What happened to your face? - What?

- It looks really bad. - Okay, I get it.

- You have like a big thing there. - I fell, okay?

It's not important. What is important is the slow blows.

You are guaranteed some slow blows later today.

- Yeah. - Karen

invited us out drinking later.

- She says she gets crazy when she drinks. - Yeah,

- can we maybe not drink? - Sammy.

- We're drinking. - Okay.

- Slow blows. - Slow blows.

It's not gonna work against the 4-3.

- Marty. - No, we tried--

Ahem.

Hey, you made it.

Uh, dad, I, uh...

I wanted to apologize for the way I treated you the other night.

I was rocking a serious pinot hangover

and I would like to make it up to you.

Uh, Demitri made us reservations at a really expensive restaurant.

Will you come?

You mean right now?

I know-- football practice.

Sure sure. Yeah, I'll come.

Dad.

Let's go.

- Alex! - Jill.

Hey, what's going on?

Hi--

- Oh, charming. - Is this making you uncomfortable?

No.

So, Demitri, what is it that you do?

What do I do? What a weird question.

That is a weird question. Who says that?

You're shitting me!

- Oh, for Christ's sakes. - Mom!

You made it. You remember dad, right?