Not Going Out

I'm home, darling!

I was thinking, we should invite your parents round soon.

I love spending time with them.

They're so wise and such wonderful company.

Oh, what a coincidence, I didn't know you were both here.

So you didn't notice our car outside?

Oh, come on, Geoffrey, lots of people drive a maroon Rover 700

with yellow steering lock and beaded seat covers.

But they don't park them right outside your house.

Parked? It was so far from the kerb, I thought it'd been abandoned.

Well, it's nice to see you, Lee. It feels like it's been ages.

Yes, when in fact we've only been talking for about ten seconds.

Truth is, we've hardly been able to leave the house

for the last two months.

Not another ASBO, Wendy?

What was it this time, knock down ginger at the local vicarage?

Dad's been showing me his new extension.

Well, you're never too old for cosmetic enhancement, Geoffrey.

The kitchen extension.

It's been extremely hard.

Geoffrey's worked his way through half the tradesmen

in the south-east.

I'm glad we clarified things before you said that.

It's been very stressful, so I'm taking him down to Beachy Head.

Bit harsh.

Just a weekend break to recharge the batteries.

It's a shame, there's still a few niggly little jobs left.

You know, unpacking, tidying, dusting and so on.

It would have been nice to come back to a clean and tidy house.

Well, I can sort those things out for you, Dad.

Really? Well, if you're sure it won't be too much trouble for you.

It won't be any trouble whatsoever for me...

..I'll send Lee to do it.

Er, actually, on second thoughts,

I'm sure it can wait until we get back.

I'm sorry, did you just quickly look me up on Checkatrade or something?

I can tidy up and dust. You won't even know I've been there.

Sadly, that's true.

Just write me a list.

I'd be taking advantage of you.

Well, you're not putting that on the list.

It's OK, Dad. Lee and I will go together and both clean up.

- Well, hmm... - It'll be fine, Dad.

- Course it will, Geoffrey. - Thank you, Wendy.

They're simple little jobs. A chimpanzee could do them.

I am still stood here, you know?

- One day, we'll own a kitchen like this. - Really?

Yeah. Unless your parents cut you out of their will.

Ooh, I didn't know your mum smoked cigars.

I always had her down as a chewing tobacco kind of gal.

- They're Dad's, and they're lethal. - Why?

Because if you touch them, he'll kill you.

Do you know how you can tell if something is glass or crystal?

Glass.

Why don't you go outside and... check on the garden?

Oh, keep out the way, you mean. Like father, like daughter.

And I'm not just talking about the excessive nasal hair.

I suppose I could mow the lawn.

- Your dad might thank me. - He does hate doing that.

What, mowing the lawn or thanking me?

Go on, then. Just try not to...

- What? - I don't know, just... try not to.

PHONE RINGS

Hi, Dad. How's it all going?

Oh, it's all great.

I just had to phone to tell you the hotel does a continental buffet,

and I thought you might be interested, you voted Remain.

You're checking up on us, aren't you?

- Well, maybe a bit. - Stop fretting, everything's fine.

The house looks incredible.

So it should, the money I paid.

£4,000 on the garden alone.

I didn't know you'd had anything done to the garden.

Oh, good - that means I've won the argument with your mother.

She said you can tell the difference, I say you can't.

Why, what have you had done?

Well, you know how much I hate mowing that lawn.

I splashed out and had the whole thing replaced

- with artificial grass. - ENGINE STARTS

They make some quite convincing stuff these days.

Exactly like the real thing, but made of plastic.

We were in two minds about it.

You know, your mother likes a natural lawn,

but she doesn't have to mow the bloody thing.

So, in the end, I managed to...

Hello? Hello, Lucy?

Stop!

I can't hear you, I'm mowing the lawn.

ENGINE STOPS

..cking idiot!

I said stop the machine!

- Why, do you want to have a go? - Only if you lie down in front of it!

- What? - It's artificial grass.

Ah...

No!

I think it's best if you don't speak.

Can I sing?

Sure. How about something by Marvin Gaye?

Oh, I get it - Mow-town.

No, I mean because he was murdered by a family member.

Why would someone with artificial lawn

- still have a lawnmower in the shed? - I don't know.

Maybe you can ask Dad that while

he's ripping your spleen out with a trowel.

This isn't only my fault. You said mowing the lawn was a good idea.

- Because I didn't know it was fake. - Well, neither did I.

Well, why did you not check it was real?

The same reason that I didn't check that the house was made of Lego.

Well, I just hope they can fit a new one before Mum and Dad get back.

What?

I found the details of the lawn company at Mum and Dad's house.

I'm ordering a new one.

We are not buying them a new lawn.

Well, we've got to. Dad spent a fortune on it.

That is why we are not buying them a new lawn.

Well, what else can we do?

Well, it was only one small strip that we damaged.

Perhaps we can replace it.

Oh, what are we going to do,

nick some from a table outside the greengrocers?

No!

All right, we're just brainstorming here.

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realise.

Oh, I know! Why don't we shave 50 hedgehogs,

backfill the strip with their bristles and cover it in guacamole?

No matter how we patch it, Dad is going to notice the difference.

It has to be the whole lawn we replace.

We can probably just about afford it if we use our savings account.

That money is for our beach holiday in Alicante.

Well, we'll just have to improvise, then, won't we?

We've got a sandpit and a fridge full of paella.

But we haven't got Europe's second largest crazy golf course, have we?

You know you said that out loud, right?

How does this sound? We say foxes did it.

Foxes mowed the lawn.

I'll tell you exactly how that sounds,

like a John Lewis Christmas advert.

All right, what about we rip the whole thing out

and say it got stolen?

Who goes around stealing other people's artificial lawns?

Well, fair point.

Most criminals stick to their own turf.

One day, this will all be behind us and everything will be solved,

and perhaps then you will appreciate

that that was actually a very funny joke.

I am phoning the lawn company.

All right, I've got it! It's obvious.

What?

We finish the job and mow the rest of the lawn.

I know you're not stupid,

and I know you are probably actually following all of this,

but just on the off chance you're not...

..it's not a real lawn!

I know it's not, but we only took off this much.

If we do the same across the whole of the lawn,

he'll never notice the difference.

Of course he will.

Won't he?

Well, there's only one way to find out.

And what have we got to lose?

Sorry, is that rhetorical,

or am I supposed to actually start listing your body parts?

Ah, the smell of freshly cut polypropylene fibres.

What do you reckon?

I'm sure you can tell the difference.

Well, I'm only part way through mowing it. Don't judge me yet.

We're only part way through our marriage,

but I've reached a judgment on that.

Just keep watching.

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

Now can I start judging you?

The fuel pipe's broken. Petrol's spewing everywhere.

Well, don't waste it, I need a drink.

Don't worry, we can still do this.

It just might take a little bit longer than I first thought.

You missed a bit.

I hate you.

Oh, Anna, thank you for waiting so late.

No, no, it was a pleasure, Lucy.

There was me thinking I was only collecting them from school,

so it was a real treat to be able to bring them home and feed them

and bathe them and pick up their wet towels and make them a hot drink.

And fight them to get them to switch off the television.

And then break up an argument over a glass of Ribena,

which resulted in me staining my brand-new cashmere cardigan.

I should be thanking you.

Sorry.

Well, at least I didn't have to spend another evening

listening to Toby talk about his new Dreambuilder Excel 3D printer

with its patented open-source software.

It's like he's asking for a divorce.

What on earth is that?

Er, there's been an accident.

We ran over a Muppet.

- Well, I'd better get back home. - Yeah.

Toby will be thinking you've run off and left him.

Yeah, we don't want him raising his hopes.

Bye.

You've got to admit, that lawn looked pretty good by the end.

Well, yeah, I suppose I couldn't tell the difference,