The Creatress

- -

- So, Ms. Bellow-- - No relation.

That was my first question, beat me to it.

Big reading you have ahead of yourself

-at Book Smart Downtown later today?

Yeah, that is the sentence.

Well, I don't think it'll be that bad. Book readings aren't known to end

with the audience eating the author.

Oh, but I do like that visual.

Someone trying to appease a room full of cannibals with chick lit.

I mean, I can't say that's the best category or the strongest genre to tackle

-that sort of room, but... - Well, if not chick lit,

what genre do you consider yourself?

I don't know, I guess I don't like to be tied down.

Categories are for agents and bookstores

as a shortcut when your job is selling books all day long.

You know, readers alphabeticalize.

We look at books differently.

They influence and authors end up pigeonholed.

I mean the moral of the story is the good life is reserved for the readers.

Explore the store, have fun, be curious.

Uh huh, so is irony your favorite?

Well, the madness is, in today's world, no one can know anymore.

-Seriously? - Well, what you say--

It sounds like you're having a meltdown.

If you let them think you're crazy,

they're going to think that I'm crazy.

And if I'm crazy, I can't help you.

I can't even help me myself and we both lose.

-Whoa! -

What the-- What was that about?

Well, that sounds like work.

It's less work than social media.

I mean, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, those are work.

But if people scroll and scroll all day long,

I mean even when they're in movies that they paid to see

or with people that they love,

it's like get off your phones!

If we had a way to track how many words people read on average today,

I bet you it's more than War and Peace cover to cover

worth of scrolling every year.

Which, you know, when you think about it, it's actually really impressive.

You hand someone a 1,000 or a 1,300-page book, tell them to take a year,

for some reason, they get scared.

It only works out to about five pages a day, by the way.

But people read 280 characters at a time.

Well, no, read one sentence at a time.

So I said to him post-postmodernism is so over. Come on, tricks are for kids.

-Can you write something truthful for God sakes? -

Also, and I'm going to have to use some pictures from you. I got to give something

to the publisher. Nobody's writing blank million dollar checks anymore.

- -Oh, I'm sorry, do you mind?

No, not at all. I'm just going to be down there.

-Okay, okay. -

Carrie here.

No, you listen to me first!

My client said he hates fucking three of them, his words!

Well, did your stupid artist even read

what the title of the book is?

No, no, no, no, he's done this before to me!

When I see him, I'm going to personally strangle him.

Oh, so I'll strangle his attorney, too.

Oh, that's a fun one.

Written in high school, published years later.

Pretty pure stuff.

They went no picture.

And it didn't matter, still did well.

Better when that happens.

Did you like it?

It's an authentic debut.

We'll see when the next one shows up here.

They all do.

You make this place sound like it's a pound.

Well, some do tend to get adopted quicker than others.

Thank you.

I don't like that cover.

It's all wrong!

Why?

Because it appears

as if you're trying to overcompensate

for the sentences and the book -deserves better than that.

Hey, listen I usually only check voicemail twice a day when taking a dump

on a good day. If you think I'm an animal,

you're the one still leaving me voicemail, text.

Hey, you know what? I think we got a bestseller!

Well, they haven't read it yet and half of them haven't even bought it yet, so.

All right, so can you please be in the moment

and appreciate how special this all is?

Just try and put on your happy face.

-Turn the frown upside down. -Mm-hmm .

And, also, do not talk anyone out of buying the book.

-I know, I know. -Thank you, thank you.

Hi, there. Actually super disappointed

this mic doesn't have any feedback on it.

Going to have to break the ice myself now.

So, guess this is what an AA meeting feels like.

I'm Eryn Bellow.

I've been in sentence construction

for over a decade now.

I hope this adds something.

-Hey, I really love what you wrote. -Oh, thanks.

But do you get some kind of thrill out of trying to hurt us with the story?

Um...

I'm asking out here because I figured you wouldn't want me

-to ask in there with everyone. -Right.

Well, it's not being done at you.

I guess, I thought we were

just trying to work on something together.

Eryn, come on, come on!

If you don't like it, you can walk away, right?

But thank you for coming.

Thank you.

Sweetie, just wanted to tell you,

you were great, great today!

No, no, no, I just, I thought were you coming.

Oh, no, you know, I have this

such a boring dinner with my boss and the three amigos.

You can come, welcome to join.

No, I'm good.

- -Smart you.

-Hi. - Hi.

-How you doing? - Tired, long day.

Yeah, tell me about it. How'd it go?

- It was good. -Yeah, what'd you read?

Same old.

Good old Misnomer, the rant

about words bouncing off their target.

Yeah, at least when code doesn't work,

I get instant feedback when the app crashes.

God, that sounds so good.

I get it down and then I've got to wait ten years

to see if it mattered.

Not if you win a Pulitzer.

Right, name the last five winners.

Anyway, listen.

There's a reason that I wanted to video chat with you.

Oh, yeah?

Well, look what I was just eyeing.

Keli Onherback romp is not Kosher, yowza!

Oh, all right, yeah.

I don't know if, uh, hey, I don't know

if that's funny or offensive.

Anyways.

Yeah, anyway.

I, seriously, I want you to say hi to Lacey.

-What? -Now, hear me out. Hear me out.

-What is, what is she doing there? -She showed up here.

I told her right away that I was completely uncomfortable with it.

-Yeah, yeah, me, too. -See, the thing is that's why

I was putting this all out in the open because I don't want you to think that

I'm hiding anything because there's nothing to hide here.

Wait, so why are you saying all that like that?

Because she showed up. She wanted to talk.

-About? -Not about that.

About moving, missing us.

About how we made a mistake?

Maybe.

Why didn't you answer when I called earlier?

Because we were talking.

Right, I want to talk to her. -Yeah, good.

That's why I wanted to video chat with you

because that way you can just go ahead

and say whatever, say whatever, say whatever

you want to say.

Here.

Hi, Eryn.

Hi.

-You okay? -Yeah. No, yeah, I'm good.

It's just, it's been rough.

Yeah, are you drinking a beer?

-Yeah. -So, what you just popped by?

I don't think I'm going to be here when you get back.

Right, well, I have a meeting tomorrow,

but I should be back in a day or two.

No, well, with the way they've been flying you around.

Look, you're moving, Lacey. No one's dying.

-Yeah, I know. I'm just, I don't know. -

Anyway, I got to head out.

Okay, let me call you back?

Wait, what, why?

Well, what, you want me to put you on the windowsill,

so you can watch her out?

Fine, call me back.

Okay.

- -

Shit!

Hello?

I'll be down in a minute.

Oh, God.

So just tell him to go fuck himself.

And then when he realizes I don't like fucking myself,

I want you to do it for me,

then, you will get Theo back.

Do it!

-This is all day. -God.

Okay.

All right.

What is this?