Rules of Engagement

Here you go, Jeff. Enjoy.

Yeah. Russell.

What's up with you and Doreen?

She asked me what I did this weekend.

And?

And I told her.

Hey.

Hey. Where's my food?

This isn't a magic diner.

You have to tell the waitress what you want.

I texted you my order 10 minutes ago.

Why do you have such a problem with texting?

It's for teenage girls.

I text all the time.

And guys with teenage-girl hair.

I think you would embrace texting.

You hate actually talking to other human beings.

I do dislike people.

I'm just old school. That's all.

You don't like pushing buttons with your gorilla thumbs.

With your baby hands, it's like you're actually typing.

All right, well, you're missing out, Magilla, all right?

I control my whole universe with this thi--

Oh, my God, where's my phone?

Oh, no, I left it at that girl's apartment.

Right next to the chloroform?

Why don't you just wait till she comes to and then go get it?

Not so easy.

See, uh, we had what's called a one-night stand,

and, uh, she should be realizing that right about now. Ha-ha!

Did you come here straight from her place?

Yeah.

Put that hand away, brother.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

All right, seriously,

you have got to get better about texting.

It will help us communicate.

We've been married for 14 years.

What is there left to say?

It's not so I can enjoy your sparkling wit.

It's for scheduling doctor's appointments and stuff.

Ooh, you finally gonna tweak the old lady's rack?

No.

Sorry. No!

They're fertility doctors.

Right, your marriage is at the point

where you like to introduce new characters.

So, what's the plan?

We have a consultation to discuss it today.

Here, I texted you the info.

Oh, here it is. Hey, hit "read" for me, Thumbelina.

Hey.

What's in the bag? Jen let you take

your nards out for a walk?

Adam does whatever he wants with his nards.

Mm. I bet.

Actually, they're our save-the-date cards.

Ooh.

Yeah, I got 200 STDs right here.

Don't worry, Russell. You still got him beat.

I hope your wedding doesn't conflict

with a major sports championship game.

Whenever it is, the chances of me going

are proportioned to the hotness of the bridesmaids.

What if you're not invited? Does that factor in?

No, just bridesmaid hotness, I think.

Well, as so often happens around here,

I've lost my appetite. Excuse me.

I'm gonna come with you.

Bye, honey. Mwah.

So you've set a date.

Oh, come on, it's not a big deal.

Not a big deal. You wanna take this?

No, you go ahead.

Now you're like an inmate on death row.

Okay, do we have to do this?

Appeals going, you might get a new trial.

Maybe they'll overturn the death penalty.

So you spend a lot of time reading,

maybe get an hour a day in the yard.

It's all good, right?

I'm not hearing anything I disagree with.

Till one day the chief screw calls.

They've set a date. Date for you to go to the chair.

Or lethal injection. Or lethal injection. Sure.

Then it all becomes very real.

Every rise of the sun,

every tick of the clock,

it gets closer.

Closer to the date.

You ready? Aah!

Aah!

Oh, what the hell?

What are you doing in my office?

I thought I'd come by so we could hang out a bit.

Look, we just hung in the diner,

and, uh, I'm not sure we like each other this much.

I gotta say, your company's Internet filter

is pretty tough, but check this out.

Oh, no!

The human body's pretty stretchy.

Ha-ha!

Excuse me. Hey, Jeff, this was in your in-box.

Thank you. Sasha, this is Russell.

Hi, Russell. Hey.

Nice to meet you. Oh, wow, look at this.

This is nice.

What is this?

Shirt.

You're so funny.

A bunch of us are going to lunch together.

You should come.

Got a training session at the gym,

but thank you.

Oh, well, don't work out too hard.

You'll bust right out of that.

Oh, I'm not gonna wear this.

I got a T-shirt.

Funny.

All right, maybe next time.

See you later. Later.

It was nice to meet you. Yep.

Dude.

What?

She was totally flirting with you.

No, she was not.

What?

"What's this?"

That was such a lame excuse to touch you.

And, "You're gonna bust out of that shirt."

And, "You're so funny." You're not funny.

Huh.

She must not know I'm married.

Well, your ring is buried under that thatch of knuckle hair.

But there's a picture of you and your wife right there.

Am I guilty of something?

No.

This is standard office behavior.

A little bit of good, harmless fun.

But you might want to throw the flirt back at her.

I can do that? Oh, yeah,

with lines like "Shirt."

Come on, you're married. You're not dead.

Hit the ball back once in a while.

She did kind of smell like peaches a little.

There you go. That's not creepy at all.

Timmy, how's it going?

Sir, I've been in your employ long enough to know

that you don't really care.

Exactly.

Listen, I need you to do something for me.

Ah, yes, the phrase that has launched

some of the worst days of my life.

What do you need, sir?

Listen, I had a one-night stand, left my phone there,

need you to go grab it.

That should only take a minute,

something I'm sure she's used to by now.

Here's the address. It's on a little table by the front door.

So, what's the young lady's name?

Stupid question.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

All right.

I look forward to seeing you.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Hey, these were on the printer for you.

Oh, thank you.

I'd ask how your workout was,

but I can see that it was good.

You can? Because today was calf and quad day.

Oh, uh, thank you.

And your hair is super shiny,

like freshly Zambonied ice.

Thanks.

I was beginning to wonder if you noticed me at all.

Well, sure I did. I mean, I'm married.

I'm not dead.

No, you certainly are not.

In fact, I think you might be

the last real man I know.

Thank you.

You got a pretty nice lady setup going there.

Look, I'm gonna cut to the chase.

Anytime you wanna get together--

My place, a hotel.

-I'm up for it.

You just let me know.

I am dead.

Welcome!

Oh. Hello.

Hello. How are you?

Are you here for the Bible study group?

No, I'm-- I'm actually here

just looking for, um...

Is this 1053 Columbus Avenue, Apartment 3G?

It is.