Rules of Engagement

I'll have the chocolate chip pancakes, extra butter.

Meat lover's scramble. Side o' bacon.

Wow, is it a race to see whose heart explodes first?

It is now.

Nothing for me.

That's a good call. You were looking at bronze anyway.

I have to go to the office early so I can do a bunch of stuff for freakin' Deirdre.

Who's freakin' Deirdre?

This woman I work with. She's pregnant and totally annoying.

It is annoying when people create other people.

No, she was always annoying. But now it's all,

"oh, I'm pregnant. I've never felt like such a woman.

Who wants to guess if it's a boy or a girl?"

Girl. I guess girl.

The worst part is our boss Laura

is just falling all over herself to make Deirdre's life easy,

including having me do all of her work.

And I'm sure it doesn't help that you and Jeff have been trying for awhile.

Pretty casually, but I mean, whatever.

If it happens, great, but we don't want to put any pressure on ourselves.

Except for the pressure of you on me.

Come on, where's that handsome dummy of yours? We would've liked that.

Adam's at the bus station.

Why, does he like it when the wheels on the bus go round and round?

He's picking up our latest house guest.

You guys have a lot of those.

Yeah, thanks to Adam's hippie parents. They travel the country

and meet these interesting people,

and then tell them to look us up if they're ever in New York.

Well, if they're from some place really cool,

you guys could go on a great vacation and stay for free.

And here they are.

Oh, please be from Maui, please be from Maui.

Hey, everybody. This is Toby.

- Hi, Toby. Where are you from? - Lancaster, Pennsylvania.

Great!

- Toby's amish. - Jackpot!

3x08 "Twice"

I swear, every day it's another miracle inside me.

Today's natal nugget.

He can now hear me because he's got little ears.

Hopefully little fingers to stick in them.

So where do you want to go to lunch today?

Oh, how about that new Japanese place? It's supposed to be great.

Oh, I can't do Sushi. You know.

Got it.

See, the, uh, Mercury and the potential parasites could be harmful to the little one.

Oh, a bonus natal nugget.

Guys, I would love to keep looking at layouts with you,

but I am spent.

I tell you,

being a vessel for a life is exhausting.

It must be.

It is exhausting just hearing about it.

Sweetie, you know what? You should go put your feet up.

Audrey can finish your work. Right, Audrey?

Yeah, happy to.

Audrey, you should let her use your office. You've got the couch.

Oh, come on.

She is not the only woman in the world who's having a baby.

- What do you mean? - I mean there are other...

Never mind.

- No, what? - I'm just saying.

Some women go about their day without making such a big deal that they're pregnant.

Oh, my God, Audrey! Are you pregnant?

What? Audrey's pregnant?

Why didn't you tell us?

No, no. I'm not...

This is so exciting. Audrey, you have to take it easy... sit down.

- No, really... - If I'd known you were pregnant,

I never would've given you Deirdre's work.

Huh, never what?

You need to sit down.

Here, Tracy can finish all this.

Oh, no, guys.

Okay. As a gift of appreciation

for opening your home to me this week,

it'd like to give you this.

Thanks, Toby. Look, Jen.

We have this now.

It's a hand-carved Pennsylvania spotted sparrow.

This was a poor use of my lunch hour.

Why all the birds, Toby?

I hope to sell them to pay for my rumspringa.

Rumspringa.

I wish I spoke amish.

Rumspringa

is when a young amish person leaves home to experience modern life.

Even after seeing how the rest of us live, 90% return home,

lord knows why.

The lord does know why.

Home is where the heart is.

Your heart's never been in a truly filthy strip club.

Toby, I gotta get back to work. But Jennifer's gonna show you around this afternoon.

That's right, Toby, because rock smashes scissors.

So where are you guys gonna go?

Uh, I don't know. Museum?

Mm, snoring.

Maybe Central Park.

Ooh, an open field.

I bet he's never seen that before.

Sucks for you, dude. Worst rumspringa ever.

If you think you can do better, why don't you show Toby around?

Mm, sorry, witness, I roll solo.

Oh, come on. Nobody knows a young man's New York City better than you do.

Except maybe a young man.

I'll do the jokes, dimpleton.

Uh, I'll have you know that rolling with me for a few days

will be the thrill of a lifetime for this kid.

Actually, farm life is very exciting.

Last year, uncle Caleb lost his spectacles in the wheat field.

Classic uncle Caleb.

Come on, help me?

Eh, well, I've been on a 20-year rumspringa me-self. I guess it's time to give back.

All right, quaker oats, you're with me know.

Come on. Here we go.

Ah, beer cold, chili hot,

chair comfy.

And play.

- Wanna do it? - Yeah!

That was a pleasant surprise.

I thought you'd like that.

- Where you going? - To reheat my chili.

You're right. It's probably still hot.

What are you doing? We cuddled last time.

Who said anything about cuddling?

Really? Again?

What do ya say?

I think I can rally.

Twice is gonna be enough though, right?

- Russell and Toby aren't back? - Not yet.

Oh, I feel terrible. y mom called to see how Toby's visit's going and I had to lie to her.

Oh, you told her we didn't leave him

in the custody of a perverted little troll?

This isn't a joke. I mean, Toby's our responsibility.

Okay, why don't you do us a favor

and tell your parents to retire the vw bus

and stop sending us America's rejects?

Oh, here they are.

- Hey, how was your day? - It was wonderful.

Mr. Russell knows so many things.

Well, in fairness, I didn't build the elevator.

But I do know how to make her go.

And then he took me to play video games. And then out to lunch.

Guess whose heart now has seen the inside of a filthy strip club?

One lady was so silly.

She sat upon my lap upside-down.

Oh, sorry about that, Toby.

Oh, I wasn't complaing.

You know, uh, tonight, Adam and I thought we'd take you to the planetarium.

Yeah, it's really cool. It's just like looking at the stars,

except it's the ceiling.

Yeah. That sounds fun.

But Mr. Russell had mentioned something

about female oil wrestling.

- Russell... - Well, he's a sports fan.

Great, great. Well, then I am gonna meet my girlfriends downtown for dinner.

What about the planetarium?

We were supposed to get wasted.

Russell, Adam, amish.

I just completed a command performance with the Mrs.

Who then demanded an encore.

Really?

Not one to kiss and tell, but let's just say twice.

I don't understand.

What's going on?

Uh, how do I put this?

Uh, two times he banged upon miss Audrey.

I say we use three shots It's just so spectac...of the living room.

Excuse me.

Oh, that's okay. You should be tired. Your body's going through some big changes.

Yeah. Sure is.

Audrey, easy.

Oh, it's all right. He's a tough little guy.

Does that mean it's a boy?

Sure.

Do you guys have your name picked out?

Um, you know, we're somewhere between Jared and...

We're really leaning toward Jared.

Oh, we were thinking of Jared.

I kind of said it first.

Could my ankles be swollen already?

I think I need to go put my feet up.

Oh, absolutely.

I got it from here.

We were also thinking of Steven.

Ooh, our middle name.

- Hey, Laura, is Audrey around? - Oh, sure. I'll tell her you're here.

I'll tell her myself. I want to surprise her, take her out to lunch.

That's so sweet of you.

- Congratulations, by the way. - On what?

Oh, you don't have to be coy. Audrey told us the big news.

Not that she had too. It was obvious.