Two and a Half Men

Previously on Two and a Half Men:

Hi.

This is Jeff; Jeff Strongman.

So what happened between you and your girl?

She wanted to get married and I'm just not sure I'm ready.

It's the same reason I lost Lyndsey.

It's like we were dating the same woman.

I am gonna ask Lyndsey to marry me.

Lyndsey MacElroy...

will you marry me?

Yes! I will marry you!

Everything you need to know is right in here.

Somebody gave me a billion dollar idea--

thought controlled computing.

We have so much work to do

and all I can think about is you and me-- wow...

Gotta stop thinking about sex.

This is Walden Schmidt saying--

Pudding.

I think the computer just read his thoughts!It worked.

Yes!

Someone's not wearing a bra.

This is great!

My best friend, my fiancée

and a great bottle of French wine.

Uh, uh, technically it's French Canadian.

Uh, it's called "Two-buck Canuck,"

and, uh, it's not wine, it's wine-ish.

Um, but it still gets the panties on the floor,

if you know what I'm talking about.

Maybe you should have another glass, Lyndsey.

I'm good.

Hey, uh, how about you, Larry?

No, I'm not wearing panties.

All righty, so, uh, guess we're done with this.

So...

how long of an engagement are you guys planning?

Uh, two years? Five years?

I mean, you know, there's no rush to start a family.

I mean, after all, uh,

Lyndsey's well beyond her child-bearing age.

Well, we have talked about adopting a baby from China.

Oh!Course, then we'd have to teach it English,

which seems like a lot of work.

Would you mind getting desert, sweetie?

Sure. Sure.

Um, kidding.

Uh, this one's on you, sweetie.

All right, but no funny business while I'm gone.

I'll know, Jeff.

You haven't so far.

I've been banging this one for months.

Oh...!I love this guy!

She does too!

Isn't this fun?

: Yeah. It's great.

Why the hell are you here?

Larry asked me to dinner.

What was I supposed to say?

That you couldn't come. That you had to work.

That you're not really Jeff Strongman

and your entire friendship is a lie.

That I had to work-- that's a good one.

Alan, this wedding is very important to me.

If you still have any feelings for me at all,

you will let me have this day.

Fine.

I shan't go.

But good luck getting the Chicken Dance

started without me.

Hey, Jeff, you want a piece of Lyndsey's pie?

There's no way I can eat it all myself.

I don't know.

Last time I had some, there was a hair in it.

Jeff was actually just saying that he's got to get going.

Mm.Really? Oh.

Well, then I'll make this quick.

I know we haven't known each other for a long time,

but I feel like we share a lot.

M-More than you know.

So I was wondering if you'd do me the honor

of being my best man?

What?! What?!

What do you say?

I... say...

...you've made me the happiest

person in the world-- yes!

You sure? Don't you want to take a moment to think about it?

What is there to think about?

You know, you could change my name from

"Jeff Strongman", to "Jeff Best Man."

That's the kind of stuff I want in your toast!

And this is the kind of stuff

you're gonna get on the dance floor:

Oh. Oh. Wait.

Hey, good lookin'.

Whatcha got cookin'?

Pot brownies.

What the hell is that?

It's a new project

I'm working on.

It enables a computer

to read my mind

and then talk to you.

Why can't you just talk to me?

Because, I...

and this... shut up.

Come on, try it. I think it's big enough.

I think it'll fit.

The last time someone said that,

I ended up pregnant with my first daughter.

Hey... I got good news.

I'm paid to pick up your crap, not listen to it.

Guess who Larry asked to be his best man?

One of his friends who's actually real?

Jeff Strongman is like butter on movie theater popcorn.

He may not be real, but he's delicious nonetheless.

Okay, so, let me get this straight:

your alter ego,Mm-hmm.

is going to be the best man

at the wedding of your lover...

and another guy?

When you put it like that, it sounds like

a soap opera on Telemundo.

: Señor Strongman, why do you

make love to the woman of the man you love?

Lyndsey?Are you insane?

Oh, si, Señor Strongman es muy loco.

How could you say "yes", to being Larry's best man?

I don't know. I got excited.

And you and I both know when I get excited, I tend to...

react prematurely.

Why would you even want to go?

Are you kidding me?!

I mean, just 'cause you're mad at me right now

doesn't mean I'm going to miss the wedding of someone I love.

Aw... that's very sweet.

I was talking about Larry.

Oh! Ow!

Ah! Dios mío!

Alan, I don't care how you do it,

fake Jeff Strongman's death--

actually die.

You will not be at my wedding.

She will be back here in three seconds looking for make-up sex.

One...

Two...

Three.

Three.

You're an idiot.

I'm, um, I'm sorry.

That was wrong.

Tú eres una idiota.

All right, Bill Gates...

Steve Wozniak...

and Mark Zuckerberg.

Ooh, that's a tough one.Yeah.

I'd definitely kill Mark Zuckerberg...

...bang Bill Gates, marry Steve Wozniak.

What?! That's crazy.

I mean, yes, you have to kill Zuckerberg.

But you gotta marry Bill.

I mean, I've seen it before,

he is gonna take those glasses off

and shake is hair loose and you're gonna be like,

"Where did this guy come from?"

I hear you, but I'm still marrying Woz.

I'm a boob man.

Are you guys playing "Bang, Marry, Kill" again?

'Cause if you are, I've got one for you:

Angelina Jolie, Mila Kunis and me.

I would kill you

by banging you to death on our honeymoon.

Aw...

And then after the funeral, Angelina Jolie.

I would love to bang Mila Kunis.

Not gonna happen, Barry.

All right. I'm out of here.

I thought we were gonna grab some dinner.

I can't. I got a thing.

You got a thing. I got a thing.

We put our things together, we have some fun.

Hey, every time I say stuff like that,

I get pepper sprayed.

That was one time, Barry and my mom still feels bad about it.

I'll make it up to you tomorrow, I promise.

What's your mom up to these days?

Shut up, Barry.

Better hope I don't run into Mila Kunis.

Yeah, like that's gonna happen.

Hey! There's my best man!

Groom goes the dynamite.

Come on in.

I've got some beer on ice and sports on ice.