Family Guy

¶ It seems today that all you see ¶

¶ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ¶

¶ But where are those good old-fashioned values ¶

¶ On which we used to rely? ¶

¶ Lucky there's a family guy ¶

¶ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ¶

¶ All the things that make us ¶

¶ Laugh and cry ¶

¶ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ¶

We now return to LEGO Spotlight.

I'm not sure we should be letting Stewie watch this.

It's LEGO. It's fine.

Yeah, you're right.

Well, that's my train.

Time to disappear from this life completely.

No, no, Peter. It's just Chris practicing his new recorder.

What? I said no hobbies.

Brian, that LEGO movie kind of scared me.

Ah, don't worry about it, Stewie. It's all make-believe.

Ah! LEGO! LEGO!

Chris, stop! That sounds terrible.

Yeah, you can't just play one note over and over.

You're not Danny McBride.

Who taught you to play like that?

Well, our music teacher quit

and was replaced by a back-East bird.

See you tomorrow, Mr. Mason.

Well, I'm gonna have to talk to Principal Shepherd about this.

Great. Every kid loves seeing their mom

inside their high school.

I'm sorry, but music is an important part

of your education.

Your mother's right, Chris.

You don't want to mess this up,

like Skee-Lo messed up his wishes.

Uh, I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller,

I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat.

- Skee-Lo?! - What?

You need money!

You wanted to see me, Mrs. Griffin?

Um, yes, to discuss the music program.

Right! Right, of course.

Sorry. I was just testing these... candles

for a... lie I can't... think of right now.

Now, what's this forgettable misunderstanding all about?

Uh, my son is being taught by a bird.

- Ah. Ms. Wilkins. - No, Mr. Mason.

Right. Lot of open windows in this school.

You need a real music teacher.

I'm a trained piano player, and I've taught lessons for years.

I'd love to come work for you.

You would? Well, that changes everything.

I'm not gonna have sex with you.

I know. I just farted.

So, everyone, I have an announcement to make.

I'm gonna be the new music teacher at Adam West High.

- What? - Please say you're joking.

I'm not joking. I start Monday.

My wife, a music teacher?

Hold on. That's a marriage time-out.

I... I think Dad did this wrong.

Yeah, aren't-aren't we supposed to be the frozen ones?

- Dad's a loser. - Yeah, he sucks.

- Stop it. - Why? He can't hear us.

But I could hear them.

And it hurt.

Turns out, if you're gonna learn

how to stop time in wizard school,

don't leave class early to be the first in line for lunch.

It was pizza day.

And you'd think it's got to be pretty good pizza,

being made by a magic wand and whatnot.

But it was just okay.

I don't think it was the usual guy making it.

This has been a Peter Griffin Marriage Time-Out.

Good morning, class.

So... you know.

I'm your new music teacher, Mrs. Griffin,

and I started from the bottom. Now I'm here.

So... rap.

Oh, my God, you're so lame.

I know you are, but what am I?

Lame.

Okay, we'll call that one a tie.

Now, class, what is music to you?

Nothing.

Okay, Deaf Larry, we know

music is nothing to you and never will be.

Who else? What is music to you?

Stupid.

Connie, you're just afraid, so you lash out.

I get you, because I was you.

Headstrong, full of anger, and a body that looked

like it stepped right out of Redbook magazine.

- Is that good? - Yes, that's good.

You don't know. Shut up.

You were never me.

Oh, no? Look down at your desk.

"L.G."?

Lois... Griffin.

But-but weren't you Lois Pewterschmidt back then?

Meg, go to the principal's office.

My desk also has "L.G." on it.

- Mine, too. - They all do!

Okay, okay, I didn't know where the troublemaker was gonna sit.

Mr. Mason may have been a bird, but at least he wasn't a liar.

Well, you better get used to me, 'cause Mr. Mason's gone.

Sweetie, it's the middle of the day. What happened?

Oh, no.

Well, I hope this doesn't affect our plan to have eggs.

You wanted this to happen!

So, Lois, how was your first big day teaching?

You pull a Mary Kay Letourneau?

No, Peter.

I didn't leave my family

to have sex with a 12-year-old boy named Vili Fualaau,

get arrested for rape, give birth to his child in prison,

get out, get arrested again for humping him in a car

when he was 13, have his second kid in jail,

get out, get married to him,

change my name to Mary Kay Letourneau-Fualaau,

live my life as a disgraced sex offender,

and then get dumped by him.

No, I didn't do that.

But I did have a little trouble in Meg's class

because of that brat Connie D'Amico.

She's a classic, entitled, mean-girl slut.

Connie D'Amico? She stopped by to see you yesterday.

She did?! What'd she say?

- She said you're gullible. - And?

Hmm, Connie D'Amico.

The name sounds familiar.

I better go check Meg's yearbook--

pages four, six, 11, 27, 41, 42 and 60--

to see if it's the babe I'm thinking of.

Lois, I'll take my dessert upstairs

in the masturbation bathroom.

Maybe I'm not cut out

to teach high school kids.

I thought I could handle their nonsense,

but I just kind of froze today with Connie.

- Yeah, hang it up. - You gave it a day.

That's nonsense, Lois.

You just have to be more of an authority figure.

If Connie gets out of line again,

don't be afraid to show her who's boss.

Like I did with those squirrels.

Hey, neighborinos.

Um, so, not a huge deal,

but if you guys could keep your chittering down,

I'm trying to get some writing done in the house.

Oh, yeah, yeah, no-no problem, bro.

Also, maybe you could go... your own face, huh?

Could that be good?

Yeah!

Oh. Okay.

All right, thanks, guys.

Stewie? What are you doing here?

I followed you into your cutaway

because I didn't believe you showed anyone who's boss.

And I was right.

Did you get a sleeve tattoo of Freddie Mercury?

Yeah, it's a cutaway.

I know some of you kids think this class has nothing to do

with your day-to-day lives, but you couldn't be more wrong.

Music tells the story of our lives.

For example, this morning,

I woke up and saw it was a sunny day.

Then I had some tea.

Which was from China.

On my way out the door, the kitty cat ran across my piano.

Get off of there, kitty cat!

Then I drove to work.

But then, I hit some traffic...

...that was caused by a parade.

For gay rights.

And finally, I got to school early

and diarrhea'd in the girls' locker room.

The end.

You suck!

Aah!

That's it, Connie!

To the principal's office. Now!

Okay. For the rest of the class, I will wait for the bell.

And then I will suddenly talk much louder and faster

as you're heading out the door.

Okay, and remember, there's a quiz a week from Wednesday!

Oh, no.

Good. That means you heard me.

This is how Hollywood thinks school teachers talk.

Connie, I've asked Mrs. Griffin to be here

since it was her class you disrupted.

And I'm sorry to say, this is your third strike this year.

According to school policy,

three strikes means you're expelled.

What?!

Principal Shepherd, I'm not sure that's necessary.

I'm sorry. I've made my decision.

Now, if you ladies don't mind stepping out,

I have to reprimand Danny McBride next.