Two and a Half Men

Previously on...

Excuse me.

Do you know the difference

between organic beef and grass-fed beef?

She was totally hitting on you.

You should ask her out.

Hey, Zoey, you want to on a date with me?!

Sure!

When I was in high school, I met this girl named Bridget.

You're still in love with her, aren't you?

See, look. No wedding ring.

Hmm, I noticed the bright white tan line.

No worries. I gave it to Alan.

Oh... very valuable.

You seem like a really sweet guy,

but I think you're still kind of married to your Bridget.

Face it, you're not ready to be dating yet.

You want your ring back?

Yeah.

I don't need this anymore.

You sure?

I'm positive.

My precious! My precious!

My precious! My precious!

My precious!

Mind if I take this?

Oh, uh, no-- somebody's sitting there.

Well, where are they?

They're not here yet.

Well, I'm here and I need a chair.

No, uh...

honestly, I have a girl coming.

Well, when she gets here, I'll give it back to her.

See, I don't believe that.

You calling me a liar?

No, but I've been burnt before.

I'm taking this chair.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am. Let go!

You let go of the chair.

I had the chair before you even came into the place.

It's mine now! It's my chair now!

Walden, is everything all right?

Ha! She's here. Now back off!

What was that all about?

It was an attempt at a chairjacking.

Here, I get you a tea.

Thank you. I'm sorry I'm late.

I'm trying to get my daughter into Bellwood Academy.

It's a nightmare.

She tests well, but she did not give a good interview.

How old is your daughter again?

Five.

And Bellwood Academy is a...? Kindergarten.

Wow, when I was five, I got kicked out of preschool

for biting my teacher.

Why did you bite her?

She tried to steal my chair.

Yeah, you heard me! I bit her!

She had to get a shot!

Take it easy, okay?

So I was rather surprised

to hear from you. What's up?

I was thinking a lot about what you said about not wanting

to date me while I was still, you know,

emotionally attached to my ex-wife.

I said you were still hopelessly in love with her.

Potato, Po-tah-to.

The point is you were right.

I wasn't ready to start dating, but I am now.

A whole week later.

I understand your skepticism.

Which is why I want you to witness what I'm about to do.

These...

are my final divorce papers.

And once I sign them, my marriage will be over forever.

I was hoping that you and I could start fresh.

Nothing like starting off a new relationship

on the ashes of the old one.

That's what I was thinking.

Oh, uh, you got a pen?

Uh, I don't think I do.

Okay.

Uh, does anybody got a pen I can borrow?

Anyone? Nobody?

Excuse me.

Do you got a pen?

Sorry.

It's unbelievable.

Oh, man.

Can I please borrow your pen?

I'm sorry, someone's using it.

Who?

They're not here yet.

I will give you a hundred dollars to borrow that pen.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

: Jolly good sunset, eh, what?

Excuse me?

: I like the way you talk,

so I thought I'd give it a go.

Well, no one says "jolly good" unless they're appearing in

a revival of Oliver.

Right, right, right, right, right, right.

Please, sir, may I have a kiss?

Stop it!

: No, seriously, I want a kiss.

All right.

Mm. So... Hmm?

would you like to stay for dinner tonight?

Oh, I'd love to, but I have to pick up my daughter.

Yeah? Mm-hmm.

How about dinner this weekend? Sure.

Great. You like Mexican food?

I do.

Ooh, terrific.

So we'll go to Guadalajara.

Oh, that a new restaurant?

No, it's an old city in Mexico.

You want to go to Mexico for dinner?

Yep. We'll take my plane.

I'll have you back by midnight.

So, hang on-- you-you don't own a pen,

but you own a plane?

Yeah, you can always borrow a pen.

Try to borrow a plane.

So... Mm?

what do you say?

Hmm... Let me see if I can get a sitter.

Oh!

Yay!

Mm-hmm. You know, I think we should

start making plans for Christmas.

We can go surfing in Fiji, skiing in the Alps,

making out in Malibu.

Yes, now, Walden, let's be very clear:

You are a sweet and wonderful guy,

but you've just come out

of a very long-term relationship, Sweet and wonderful.

so you're clearly on the rebound.

Uh-huh. So?

Yes. So I don't know

if we should be making Christmas plans just yet.

Okay. Hmm?

Fine. We'll slow things down.

Good.

Forget Christmas.

Thank you.

You'll be my Valentine, though, right?

Oh, my God.

You're like no man I've ever met.

Mmm! A bit of an odd bloke, eh, what?

Oh, God, stop it.

Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more.

This is nice. Like old times.

How so?

You and me, sitting here, watching TV

while the good-looking owner of the house is

out on the deck swapping spit with a hot chick.

Yeah, there is a bit of deja vu.

Not only that.

It feels like it's happened before.

Yes, it does.

Man, I've seen so much crazy stuff in this house,

I could write a book.

That's a good idea. Got a title?

Hmm...

Maybe I can't write a book.

All right then, cheerio!

Cheerio?

Means "good-bye" in England.

Oh.

What do they have for breakfast over there,

a bowl of good-byes?

'Ello, lads. Well, hey.

So, Zoey seems very nice.

Yeah, the bird really tickles my fancy.

Help me out here.

Is "fancy" the English word for "nutsack"?

No, it means that I like her.

I think this could get serious.

Wow, you're moving pretty quick, aren't you?

That's what she said.

What are you laughing at?

He did a "That's what she said" joke.

Because that's what she said.

Oh. That's not funny.

She thinks I'm on the rebound.

Well, aren't you?

You were with Bridget for 15 years.

That's over. I signed the divorce papers.

I'm ready to fall in love again.

Please tell me you didn't actually say that to her.

Why?

Dude, even I know that's wrong.