S Dnem Rozhdeniya, Lola (С днем рождения, Лола!)

Ladies and gentlemen!

Today, you will see one of our great young surgeons in action.

A young man famous for performing

over 1,000 amputations and lithotomies.

A celebrated surgeon, a knife of the night.

A true pioneer.

So, without further ornaments, or adornments on my part,

let me now finally, and without any further hesitation or reservation,

introduce you to Mr Robert Lessing!

Good afternoon.

I'm always astonished that my humble skills

can bring in such a large and distinguished crowd.

Hello, Sally, you in again?

The sad fact is that 40% of the operations

that happen in this room do unfortunately end in death.

If that is something you're unable to contend with,

gentlemen, ladies, please, I suggest you leave the theatre now.

Thank you, Peters. Let me introduce you to our patient today.

A Mr Joseph Smiles.

A brave haberdasher of this borough.

Now, Mr Smiles, let's tell the ladies and gentlemen

what happened to you.

You broke your leg chasing a thief across London Bridge.

That's right, mister.

My personal speed record for a full amputation of the leg

above the knee is 92 seconds.

In order to minimise the amount of pain Mr Smiles suffers,

I intend to break that record today.

This is more fun than Madame Tussauds.

Ben, thank you so much for agreeing to do this again.

It should be more enjoyable for you than when you tried that chloroform.

Oh, John, darling, my tooth's hurting something rotten.

Can you have it out? Annie, I'm just in the middle of something,

can you come back tonight? No, I've got customers tonight.

Can't you smash it out now? Oh...

You won't want to work after I've pulled your tooth.

I've got to, ain't I?

Will you pay me this time? Pay you in trade.

Did I hear someone talk money?

Butterworth. How are you? Hmm...

All the better for that.

You got the money, Mr Sutton, for the doings, for the arsenic

and the bleach powder and the rest of it? Got the sue?

I do, yes, of course. I don't have it currently here with me.

Oh, that's a shame.

Cos Mr Walker said if you said that,

I should stand on your head and jump up and down a bit.

Then break your wrist.

Yes, well, I see. How about, um...

Have you two met? Annie, this is Mr Butterworth,

Mr Butterworth, Annie.

How about... Annie, if I pull your teeth now,

rather than be in my debt,

how about you offer Mr Butterworth here some trade, so to speak,

and Mr Butterworth,

you and I could consider that treat as some form of down payment?

Fair dos. Do I get my pipe sucked before you smash her teeth out?

I'll let you two fix the details.

Coat's disgusting.

Some say the more bloody the coat, the greater the surgeon.

I will first slice through the flesh before sawing.

Brandy, please, nurse.

Oh...

Cigarette.

I like to smoke during the operations.

The smell of gangrene can be terrible.

Sorry, mister. Mr Smiles, may I operate?

Well... I'll take that as a yes. Time me, Sue!

Get off! Get off! I want my leg!

No, you don't, it's going to kill you. I like it!

You cut his bollock off!

It's his own fault, hold still. Pick it up.

This is good, isn't it?

Where is it?

Bite on that.

Please, trust me.

Found it!

What happens if you try to stop him cleaning himself like this?

He gets violent and I have to hit him with my big stick.

Have you tried talking to him? Eh?

To try to ease his troubles?

He's demented.

I think if you treat people like an animal,

they'll behave like an animal.

Oh, so you're saying I should treat him like an animal.

No, I'm saying maybe don't...?

Ah, Dr Hendrik? Dr Hendrik, may I have a word?

And you are?

William Agar. One of the new alienists.

Ah, you're a mad doctor, are you?

Yes. In fact, you appointed me.

Oh, you work here, do you?

Yes, in the asylum. That you opened?

I wanted to ask whether I might have permission to take Tom Birch

out for the day to the park.

Tom has an obsessive compulsion for cleanliness

and can often become violent.

As a result, he's frequently beaten by the guards. Good!

I'd like to attempt a new form of Belgian therapeutic treatment

with Tom.

I'd like to talk to him.

Are you a Jew?

Sorry?

If you are, I'll put you in my book.

I'm not a Jew. Are you certain?

Fairly certain.

I'd like to talk to Tom to try to understand what plagues him.

I'll put your name in anyway. To be on the safe side.

Caroline! Were you hoping to find your husband?

I believe he's still operating. I know.

No, no, it's you I wish to see.

Oh, it's so... Oh, dear!

Whatever's the matter?

We had another one of our arguments.

I don't know if I should be talking about this.

Please be assured that the relationship between a patient

and an alienist happens in the strict confidence.

If I can understand, Caroline, perhaps I can help.

I feel like I'm a bad wife.

I'm often overly wilful and disorderly.

I find my head is turned by other thoughts. I see.

Inappropriate thoughts.

I see.

Do you sleep? Not well.

I spend the night tossing and turning.

Caroline, if you're willing,

I'd like to try an unusual form of diagnosis with you.

This is a phrenology head.

Oh, I've read about this.

This is a science which believes

the mind of an individual is contained in the brain?

That's right.

This model shows where the different functions of the brain are located.

By feeling the contours of someone's head,

one can detect where certain functions are enlarged or decreased.

This affects personality.

And you believe in this, do you? I do.

Caroline.

May I...

touch your head?

You may.

He should have used some ether on Smiles.

Then you might not have hacked off his tallywags.

Oh, yes, no, that's a good idea.

Do you remember what happened last time we used ether?

You put that fat navvy to sleep and he didn't wake up again.

That was bad luck, I got the dosage wrong because of his fatness.

Oh, it was his fault?

You're that Mr Lessing, isn't you? Yes, I am.

Becky? Come here. It IS that Mr Lessing!

These drugs can help. And you know it.

You turned an operation into an autopsy.

You'd rather the patients were screaming.

At least if they're screaming, I know they're alive.

Have a seat, ladies. This is John, he's a tooth-puller.

As opposed to being a testicle hacker.

Have you started yet? I'm going to touch you now, Caroline. Right.

There is...

Hmm! Yes! There is a small depression here

at the crown of your head.

This is the area that controls

respect of authority

and veneration to God.

Oh, my goodness, Caroline,

I can feel your cerebellar.

I've never one felt like it.

How do you mean?

The cerebellar is the seat of...

amativeness.

Of loving fondness

and marital...

congress.

Do you mean sexual love?

Yes!

Yes, it's an area that's always larger on men than women.

Well, normally it is.

What's wrong with mine?

Yours is enormous.

Like something you might feel on a bull.

I think this may to some degree

explain the unhappiness you're feeling.

Well, what should I do?

I shall need to think what treatment to advise.

Thank you, William. I found this very...helpful.

As I'm now your patient, will you visit me again? Good.

I think we'd better not tell my husband about your sessions,

do you agree? Wouldn't want him to worry unduly. Mmm.

There you are, Mr Lessing, two pints of the Squirrels.

I gather you've had another week of successful operation.

True, I suppose.

The ladies can't get enough of your amputations, can they, sir?

There is a matter I did want to have a quick word about, if possible.

A personal medical matter.

I'm leaking sperm at night.

Uh-huh. My wife thinks that if it continues, I may well die.

She suggested I shouldn't eat fruit which I think is a good idea.

It certainly is. And convenient for me too,

because I never do eat fruit. Well done.

And then I had a good chat about it with Dr Flowers on the high street.

Oh, yes, the king of the quacks, what did he say?