Parks and Recreation

THANK YOU, OLD GUS,

FOR BRIGHTENING OUR LIVES, OUR HEARTS

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY OUR SHOES.

- THIS TRULY IS A DAY OF MIXED EMOTIONS FOR ME.

I'M SAD THAT OLD GUS IS LEAVING.

BUT IT ALLOWS ME TO HELP ANDY RESTART HIS LIFE

AS PIONEER HALL'S NEW SHOESHINE GUY.

- WELL, I'VE BEEN LISTENING TO YOUR BORING SPEECHES

FOR THE LAST 50 YEARS.

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO LISTEN TO ONE OF MINE.

YOU KNOW A DAY LIKE THIS

MAKES A MAN REFLECT UPON HIS LIFE.

AND I'VE COME TO THE CONCLUSION

THAT I'VE COMPLETELY WASTED MINE.

AND JUST FOR THE RECORD,

I NEVER EVER LIKED BEING CALLED OLD GUS.

I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND IT WHEN I WAS IN MY 20S

AND I SURE HATE IT NOW.

SO GO TO HELL, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU.

SCREW PAWNEE AND SCREW YOUR DAMN SHOES.

AH!

OLD GUS IS CLASSIC.

*

- SO I PROPOSE THAT WE CHANGE OUR NAME

FROM THE SUBCOMMITTEE FOR PIT BEAUTIFICATION

TO THE SUBCOMMITTEE FOR LOT BEAUTIFICATION.

APRIL, STOP THAT. WHO ARE YOU TEXTING?

YOU.

- AWW. SHE'S TEXTING ME.

I'M SORRY YOU'RE BORED.

UH, HEY, EVERYONE.

OH, HEY, ANN.

UM, LESLIE, CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE?

FINE. TOM YOU'RE IN CHARGE.

KEEP THE MOMENTUM GOING. KEEP THESE MINDS WORKING.

ABSOLUTELY, CHIEF.

- OKAY, WOULD YOU RATHER BE ABLE TO FLY

OR SPEAK FLUENT FRENCH?

DONNA, GO. - FRENCH.

I DON'T WANNA FREAK YOU OUT,

BUT ANOTHER DEPARTMENT FILED A PLANNING CLAIM

FOR LOT 48.

WHO?

NO...

- YEAH. - DAMN IT!

THE LIBRARY?

PAWNEE'S LIBRARY DEPARTMENT IS THE MOST DIABOLICAL,

RUTHLESS BUNCH OF BUREAUCRATS I'VE EVER SEEN.

THEY'RE LIKE A BIKER GANG.

BUT INSTEAD OF SHOTGUNS AND CRYSTAL METH

THEY USE POLITICAL SAVVY.

AND SHUSHING.

- IT'S GONNA BE OKAY. IT'S NOT A DONE DEAL.

YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

THANKS FOR PULLING ME OUT OF THERE.

I NEED A GOOD PLAN, THOUGH.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANT TO CAUSE A PANIC.

NEWS FLASH, WE'RE SCREWED.

WE GOT A BIG PROBLEM WITH THE LIBRARY.

PUNK ASS BOOK JOCKEYS.

- WAIT, WHY DO WE HATE THE LIBRARY?

- THE LIBRARY IS THE WORST GROUP OF PEOPLE

EVER ASSEMBLED IN HISTORY.

THEY'RE MEAN, CONNIVING, RUDE

AND EXTREMELY WELL READ, WHICH MAKES THEM VERY DANGEROUS.

AND THEY'RE TRYING TO STEAL LOT 48 FOR A NEW BRANCH.

all: WHAT? - YEAH.

- GET OUT OF HERE. - YEAH.

- ON 48? - YEAH!

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

- I ACTUALLY THINK A LIBRARY WOULD BE NICE

THAT CLOSE TO MY HOUSE.

BUT I'M NOT ABOUT TO SAY THAT IN THERE.

- A NEW BRANCH? - YES!

OH, I HATE THEM.

- OKAY, WE NEED TO MAKE CONTACT WITH SOMEONE THERE.

DOES ANYBODY KNOW ANYBODY THAT WORKS AT THE LIBRARY?

- UH, WELL, WE ACTUALLY KIND OF DO.

THE NEW DEPUTY DIRECTOR OF THE DEPARTMENT

IS TAMMY SWANSON.

RON'S EX-WIFE?

THAT'S TERRIFIC. OR IS THAT AWFUL?

I MEAN, HE HATES HER, BUT HE KNOWS HER.

EVERYTHING'S OKAY. OR IS IT JUST THE SAME?

- LESLIE, YOU'RE THINKING OUT LOUD AGAIN.

- AM I? I AM.

- OF COURSE, THAT BITCH OF AN EX-WIFE

IS WORKING FOR THE LIBRARY NOW.

THAT IS PERFECT.

THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD

WORKING AT THE WORST PLACE IN THE WORLD.

I HAVE TO GO TALK TO HER.

AND YOU GOTTA GIVE ME SOMETHING I CAN USE.

DOES SHE HAVE ANY WEAKNESSES?

NO.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO? EVERYBODY HAS A WEAKNESS.

NOT MACHINES.

I HONESTLY BELIEVE THAT SHE WAS PROGRAMMED

BY SOMEONE FROM THE FUTURE

TO COME BACK AND DESTROY ALL HAPPINESS.

I SEE.

JUST, I KNEW THAT YOU HAD TWO EX-WIVES NAMED TAMMY.

SO I WAS HOPING THAT THERE WAS ONE

THAT YOU GOT ALONG WITH.

- NO. I HATE 'EM BOTH.

ON MY DEATH BED,

MY FINAL WISH IS TO HAVE MY EX-WIVES RUSHED TO MY SIDE

SO I CAN USE MY DYING BREATH

TO TELL THEM BOTH TO GO TO HELL ONE LAST TIME.

WOULD I GET MARRIED AGAIN? OH, ABSOLUTELY.

IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN LOVE, WHAT'S THE POINT OF LIVING?

- I'M JUST LOOKING FORWARD TO A THOUGHTFUL DEBATE

WITH TAMMY ABOUT THE RELATIVE MERITS

OF PARKS VERSUS LIBRARIES.

AND IN CASE SOMETHING BAD GOES DOWN,

I WORE MY SHARPEST RINGS.

THIS ONE WILL TEAR YOU UP.

HELLO. HI.

I'M LESLIE KNOPE. I CALLED A LITTLE WHILE AGO.

- YOU HAVE A LOT OF NERVE SHOWING YOUR FACE HERE.

EXCUSE ME?

- YOU HAVE OVERDUE BOOK FEES TOTALING $3.00 MISSY.

THAT IS SO TYPICAL.

I SHOULD'VE KNOWN YOU'D USE A LOW-BLOW,

DIRTY POOL, B.S. MOVE LIKE THAT.

THAT'S WHY EVERYBODY HATES THE LIBRARY.

HERE, YOU KNOW WHAT, HERE'S YOUR $3.00.

AND I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL.

- LESLIE, LESLIE, LESLIE, I WAS JUST KIDDING.

MY GOSH.

I MEAN, YOU DID HAVE $3.00 WORTH OF FINES,

BUT I CLEARED THEM.

WE GOVERNMENT GALS

HAVE TO WATCH EACH OTHER'S BACKS, RIGHT?

- I KNOW THIS IS A TRAP. BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW.

- OKAY. DID YOU TALK TO RON?

UM, RON TENDS TO EXAGGERATE WHEN IT COMES TO ME.

I SWEAR I DON'T HAVE CLOVEN FEET.

PLEASE, SIT DOWN.

-SHINE, SHINE, SHINE YOUR SHOES?

WHAT DO YOU SAY, SIR? MA'AM, SHOESHINE?

I WON'T LOOK UP YOUR SKIRT.

- ANN, WHOA. OH, MY GOSH--CRAZY!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IT'S ME, IT'S ANDY.

- HI, ANDY. - SO, ANN, HOW YOU BEEN?

GOOD.

YEAH, LESLIE TOLD ME YOU WERE WORKING HERE NOW.

- YEAH, JUST JOINING THE RAT RACE.

CHASING THE CHEESE. RACING THE RATS.

TRYING TO GET THE CHEESE.

ENOUGH TECHNICAL BUSINESS TALK.

YOU LOOK RAVISHING.

- NOT A LOT OF CUSTOMERS, HUH?

- YEAH, BUSINESS IS A LITTLE SLOW.

IT IS DEFINITELY DUE TO THE ECONOMY.

UM, I'VE BEEN HEARING A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY THAT A LOT

ABOUT A LOT OF STUFF.

WHOA, MARK! YOU WANT THOSE SHOES SHINED?

I'LL GIVE YOU A DISCOUNT BECAUSE YOU'RE A FRIEND OF ANN'S.

- WELL, I'M MORE THAN A FRIEND OF ANN'S.

OH, NOT FOR LONG.

- I'M SORRY? - I DON'T KNOW.

AT LEAST HE FINALLY HAS A REAL JOB.

WHEN WE WERE DATING THE ONLY JOB HE HAD

WAS SENDING AUDITION TAPES

TO SURVIVOR AND DEAL OR NO DEAL.

HI, MY NAME IS ANDY DWYER,

AND I WOULD BE A PERFECT CONTESTANT FOR DEAL OR NO DEAL.

- I WANT IT TO BE A PERFECT PARK,

WITH A STATE-OF-THE-ART SWING SET

AND BASKETBALL COURTS.

AND OFF TO THE SIDE A LOVELY SITTING AREA

FOR KIDS WITH ASTHMA TO WATCH OTHER KIDS PLAY.

WOW, IF I'D HAD A PARK LIKE THAT

WHEN I WAS GROWING UP

I PROBABLY WOULDN'T HAVE GONE THROUGH

SUCH A PROLONGED MALL SLUT PHASE.

- WELL, THAT'S--THAT'S THE GOAL, TAMMY.

- LISTEN, YOU GUYS GOT THERE FIRST.

I'M GONNA WITHDRAW MY REQUEST FOR THE LOT

AS A PROFESSIONAL COURTESY TO YOU.

GOVERNMENT GALS, RIGHT?

GOVERNMENT GALS.

SO YOU TALKED TO TAMMY.

WHAT'S IT LIKE TO STARE INTO THE EYE

OF SATAN'S BUTT HOLE?

SHE'S CHANGED, RON.

SHE'S A DIFFERENT PERSON.

I JUST--I THINK IT WOULD BE HEALTHY

FOR YOU TO GET A SENSE OF CLOSURE.

LOOK AT MARK AND ME.

WE SLEPT TOGETHER. WE TALKED ABOUT IT.

WE'RE STILL FRIENDS.

YOU SLEPT WITH BRENDANAWICZ?

NO!

- LOOK, TAMMY AND I DON'T WORK.

WE ARE OIL AND WATER.

OR OIL AND TNT AND C-4 AND A DETONATOR

AND A BUTANE TORCH.

NOTHING GOOD WILL COME...