Off the Hook

::: Timecodes - gius :::

I can't believe my little honey bear's leaving me.

- I mean, how are you going to cope all alone? - I'll be OK, Mum.

And I will call you later, OK?

- Do your coat up, at least. - Mum, please, just don't.

Why don't you just let me come up and make up your bed?

Maybe you just should stay for the first night and make sure I'm OK!

- Can I? - No, absolutely not.

Look, come on, I've got to go.

One more kissy.

OK, quickly.

- I love you. - Love you too.

Dan! Dan! Wait, you forgot your inhaler!

I don't even know why I'm here.

We'll all be dead in 100 years.

What's the point of learning anything if you're just going to end up dead?

- Yeah. - One day...

we'll all be nothing but worm food.

Just rotting away.

You know what? There's someone up there that I recognise...

so I'm going to go and say hello.

Cheers.

- Inhaler boy. - Ah, you saw that?

Good. I was worried that not everyone had seen.

I thought you were brave. I wouldn't let my mum within a mile of the place.

So, is this your first time away from home?

No, I took a gap year. I just spent the summer teaching in Africa.

A great experience, though. Such amazing landscapes and people.

- Have you done any travelling? - Me? Yeah.

Loads. School trips and stuff.

I spent the summer in Wales, actually. Yeah, such amazing hills.

And sheep.

See, I'm a photographer so I was there taking pictures.

Not of sheep exclusively. That would be weird.

- I'm Danny, by the way. - I'm Becky.

Incoming!

Ow!

- Shane. What are you doing here? - I made it, man? Can you believe it?

There was one space left on moral philosophy with comparative philology.

I don't know what it is, man, but it's only four hours of lectures a week!

You know, I couldn't let you go off to uni all by yourself, could I? So...

here we go, man! Three whole years!

Oh, it's going to be fantastic. Look, man, I bought my entire porn collection!

Shane, this is Becky. Becky, Shane.

- He's a friend from school. - Whoa!

Fit!

Danny wasn't trying to chat you up, was he?

He's like a nuclear disaster when it comes to chatting up girls.

Once he got chucked out this party because he had all this jelly...

You don't have to tell the jelly story.

- No? - No.

All right, well. Let's just say he's lucky he's got me here to hook him up with some ladies!

Hey, guys. How's it going?

Listen, er, Sorry, but if you're not in the queue, could you just maybe...

go to the back?

Chill out, grandad.

Are you dressed like that for charity or something?

- Go to the back. - What?

- Both of you, go back. - I didn't say anything!

To the back, now.

It's just like back at school, isn't it?

Brilliant.

- Hey, I'm Todd. - I'm Becky.

Do you ever think that life's just futile...

and we'd be better off if the world just ended?

- I'm starting to, mate, yeah. - Thanks.

Ah, right. It's you.

Unfortunately, all the new flats are full...

so I'm going to have to stick you into the overspill.

Oh, my God!

Wow! It's like something out of Hostel.

We're going to die here, aren't we?

Wow, Danny, look, you can see right into other people's rooms!

Oh, what are you doing, Shane?

You can't spy on people with binoculars.

Er, you can't spy on people without binoculars!

Man, there's that Becky girl. With some dude in a towel.

What? Let me see!

Hey there, baby. I'm towel man.

- I think she saw me! - Don't worry, man.

- She's probably going to end up with towel man. - No, she's not. She's going to end up with me.

How do you work that one out? She probably thinks you're some weird sex pest...

now she's seen you staring at her with your binoculars.

Ah, towel man!

Can you hear me?

If you don't turn that music down I'm going to come in there...

and beat your face in like a ripe melon, do you hear me?

Hi! I'm Scarlet.

Danny. What's going on?

Oh, nothing, just this freak pumping out this total crap at full volume!

OK, man!

Oh, wicked, we got a girl. I guess I'd better give you the apron, then.

- Shane, this is Scarlet. - Hi, Scarlet. I was only joking.

There's no way you're getting your hands on this apron!

You're a really funny guy! Are you here studying stand-up comedy?

Actually, no. Moral philosophy with comparative philology.

- What's comparative philology? - Don't know.

- What's happening? - Hey, Fred, look, we got a girl.

Great.

Shane, what is that? It looks like something fished out of a dustbin.

This, my man, is all for you!

Mmm! I made you breakfast! Don't say I never do anything for you, all right?

Come on, go and get dressed. We've got freshers fair in ten minutes. Come on!

No!

So, what are you up for, man? Kung-fu Soc, Karate Soc, Kick-boxing Soc?

Is there anything that doesn't require me to get my head kicked in?

We're going to have to do something to beef you up.

Becky ain't going to look at you like that, mate.

- Like what? - You're all gaunt and withered.

Like a plucked chicken.

Oh, my God. There's Becky.

- Go and say hello, man. - Yeah. Don't say anything!

- Hey, Becky. How's it going? - Yeah, pretty good.

Just planning a little party for tomorrow night. You should...

Oh, no. No, this is not my T-shirt. I got locked out of my room.

- This is Shane's. - Yes, it is!

Also, yesterday, you may have seen me looking at you with a pair of binoculars...

and I just wanted to let you know that I wasn't spying on you.

- In case that's what it looked like. - It's true. I was there.

He wasn't touching himself or anything.

- So, you're signing up for art class? - Yeah.

If you ever need a model, Danny's your man. He has done all the types of modelling.

You know, you name it, he's done it. Isn't that right, man?

Oh, really? What have you modelled for?

- What? - What magazines?

Oh... er...

- Like, Hor... - Whore?

No, no! God, no. Like Hor... Horse! Horse magazine.

- Horse magazine? - Yeah, yeah.

So it's like a magazine for horses. About horses. For people.

A magazine about horses for people. A horse magazine.

Well, they're actually looking for a model for the class this afternoon.

Yeah, Danny's your man. He'll do it. Right?

- Yeah, yeah, why not? - OK, great. I'll go tell Angela.

- OK. - Brilliant!

Oh, no! What the hell have you done, Shane? You've just signed me up to pose...

for a nude drawing class.

- Nude? I don't think you should go nude, man. - Look at the picture!

Oh, yeah. That's not good.

All right?

What exciting things have you signed up for, then?

Shane has just volunteered me to model naked for a life-drawing class.

Oh, really? Where's the class?

If I don't do it, then Becky will think I'm a chicken.

She'll think you're a plucked chicken when she sees you naked.

Who's Becky?

So, naked man.

- What? - You, er...

into naked men?

Just because I thought, maybe with your hair and that, you might be a bit... lesbian.

- I'm not a lesbian. - No? Good.

Because you know, under these clothes...

I'm a naked man.

Can you stop talking to me, please? You're making me feel sick.

Yep.

Today we're going to focus on the beautiful male form.

Right, OK...

you can do this. It's no big deal.

I mean, it's natural. There's nothing weird about this at all.

Of course, we will only be drawing the basic facial structures today, but stick around--

by the end of term, we'll be bringing in some nude models!

Now, let's get started.

Bring in today's model. Danny?

* My love *

* It'll just shine on *

Ah!

* It'll just shine on *

* Into the dark *

* My love... *

Here you go.

This is mad, isn't it? Boys at uni. Eh?

- This is what it's all about! - Yeah.

It's a shame that we've only just arrived...

and the hottest girl here already thinks I'm a complete idiot.

Oh, cheer up, mate!

So what, you turned up stark naked to an art class that teaches face portraits.

This is uni!

Man, you're sitting here with your new flatmates, having a drink. This is great.

- Haven't you got a smile for your old mate? - No, Shane.

- Come on! Give granny a smile! - Nope. Uh-uh. No!

- Give granny a kiss! Come on. - No!

Here he is, see?

I'm telling you, man, there's plenty more chicks in the sea.

Where are they?

- On, get a room. - All right, Scarlet.

Hi there.

So, that was an interesting art class.

Yeah, sorry about that. What an idiot!

No, don't apologise. I thought it was funny.

See? It is funny.

OK, yeah. So it's funny for you two, but no one else finds it funny.

I think it's funny.

Oh, look. An invitation to Becky's party.

- Look, man. It's you, naked! - What? Oh my God!

Becky's put a drawing of me naked on her party flyers. Why would she do that?

She's clearly in love with you. What did I say? The modelling thing worked.

- I'm a genius! - Why has she made my head so big?

Because it is that big. Come on, I've got to make the punch for tonight.

It's that weird bloke still pumping out his music.

Has anyone even seen him? I think he doesn't exist.