TripTank

2x01 - The W.A.N.G.

Whoa! Ooh!

Weird.

Whoa! Ooh!

_

I don't ask questions. I just do the job.

Will you look at that asshole Ga...

Oh, no, wait a minute. That ain't him.

It says right here in Gary's day planner that I stole,

- "Quarterly Physical, 3:00 P.M." - I don't understand this.

That turd bag's never late to anything.

Guys, it's only 2:00. You know that clock doesn't even work.

- Really? Shit. - Goddam it, Matt.

I mean, you're the one that broke it.

_

Look at that asshole Gary going to see a doctor like a jerk.

- He is literally rubbing our faces in it. - Oh, we've gotta get revenge.

- Are we ready to do this or what? - You know I am.

Good. So don't screw it up.

Now everybody, take off your clothes, and let's get prankin'.

All right, Gary, let's have you hop up on that scale.

Not a problem, Nurse.

Whoa, and you are a lot fatter than you look.

Oh.

Yes, well, heavy bones do run in the ol' Gare-man's family.

- My family tried to abandon me. - What?

- The doctors will be right with you. - Hey, you forgot my urine sample.

Ya, ya, ya, yes, hello, patient. I'm Doctor.

What's the problem you have with your gross body today?

Oh, hello. No problems, Doc.

Just getting my quarterly checkup, you know, trying to stay fit.

By the way, where is Dr. Schwartz?

Oh, he's dead or something. Don't worry about it, uggo.

What? He's dead?

Sure, he died and we're you new doctors now, dirt bag.

But he just read the Purim story at my house.

Oh, that's probably what killed him.

Yeah, I'm Dr. Pepper, and this here is, uh, Dr. Chinstrap.

- Dude, I thought I was Dr. Radical. - It's called improv. Take a class.

I just can't believe my brother-in-law is dead.

Yes, and now it's time to take a look at your balls

and also your dong.

- What? - Just pop open your gown, lard ass.

- Let's get a look at that hog. - Well, that seems highly irregular,

but I guess you are the medical professionals.

- Holy shit. - I am very uncomfortable.

- Is everything okay, Dr. Pepper? - Yes, of course, dumb medical patient.

Just hold on, I need to confer with Dr. Chinstrap for a moment.

Come on, what are you waiting for?

Just really weirded out by Gary's penis here, dude.

- Just say the lines I wrote for you. - Fine.

Oh, well, Mr. Dummy Dumb Face, that doesn't look good.

We're going to have to remove it.

- Remove what? - Your penis.

Your crazy-looking penis is coming off today.

- What... what... why? - Nurse! Ah, Nurse Cottonballs,

prep this man for genital removal surgery, pronto!

- Wonderful, I found these in the alley. - Wait, this can't be happening.

- Oh, it's happening. - Kiss your nuts good-bye, Turkey!

- Gobble, gobble, gobble. - Oh, my God!

Come on, Matt. You're up.

- What... What the hell is going on? - Ha, ha! It's us, you jerk.

Dana, Andy, Matt? What's happening?

Just your classic "sneak into a hospital, pretend to be doctors,

make a guy think his penis and balls are

getting lopped off till he passes out,

and then splash pee-pee in his face" revenge prank.

Suck it, Gary! Whoo!

Ah! Oh, my God.

Suck it, Gary! Whoo!

Wow, what a great prank.

Yeah, I really thought they were gonna cut his penis off.

Seems a bit odd to have a bay window in a hospital examination room.

Seems odd to mix Rocky Road with rainbow sherbet.

Eh, not to me.

_

Hello, Triptank, this is Steve. How can I help you?

Triptank is the most offensive thing

I've ever seen on television.

My bridge group all hates it.

I mean, except for Barbara, but we all hate Barbara.

She cheats and lies.

We all see you, Barbara. Cheats and lies.

- Um... - Triptank is despicable.

I'm telling all my friends to watch it.

- What the hell are you wearing, Roy? - Oh, this?

I got it at my neighbor's garage sale.

It's a W.A.N.G., man. A Waste Analyzing Neutralizing Garment.

- Oh, what does it do? - It's for the rocket men, man,

'cause there ain't no water up in space.

It takes all your discharged waste, mixes it up into a slurry,

- and converts it into potable water, - Uh...

shoots it up this tube right here

and then you suck it right out of the tip.

- Mmm! - So, wait, you're drinking...

It's my own piss and shit.

I'm trying to reach peak hydration, man.

- Staying hydrated is super important. - Oh, my God, Roy...

I want one so bad!

I knew you would! That's why I got two of 'em.

- Yes! - Now take off them pants

and let's strap on this W.A.N.G.

Today's the day, Seahorse, I know it.

I will go above water and meet my prince.

We'll get married, or if I'm lucky,

I'll get knocked up and collect child support for 18 years.

But, Sabrina, will you ever return?

The ocean will never be the same without you.

I will always remember you, Seahorse. You're my best friend.

But once I go to land, to the human world,

I'll grow legs and won't be able to return.

I hope a part of you always remains fishy, Sabrina.

It sure will, Turtle.

Deep inside, I will always have... a fishiness about me.

Farewell, old friends.

May the currents always flow in your direction.

Ahh, the sun is even more beautiful above the waves.

Ah! What the ?

Ouch! Ouch!

What is happening?

It's a mess!

I can feel the disease in me!

- Ha ha hoo! That was awesome! - Perfection.

Guys, you're both right. That was my best performance yet.

I... I was really uncomfortable looking at Gary's penis.

Yeah, he kept going on and on about his heavy bones.

I can't believe that asshole Gary

forced us to look at his enormous penis.

- Damn you, Gary. - What a jerk!

Oh-oh-oh-oh, Gary. Hard it sucking will soon commence.

And, by the way, guess who's gonna be doing the sucking?

Surprise! It's you!

Suck it! Suck it! Suck it!

- Suck it, Gary! - Whoo!

Well, we're home.

_

Hello? Hello?

What the ?

What the hell is this?

Wait, wait. That was for charity!

I was raising money for cancer research.

Oh, my god. Oh, !

Look, that was a joke. I-I didn't mean anything by it.

Oh, ! Look, okay, okay.

Stop, stop. I can explain.

This guy at work, Stan, he put me up to this.

He said that if I did this I would be one of the guys.

Ahhhh! It w... It was a joke.

It was a joke. Let's just pretend it didn't happen, okay?

Everyone cool?

Ahhhhhh! Oh, oh, oh, oh!

This can't be happening. This can't be happening.

Sorry, I'm sorry. I-I didn't think you would mind.

I mean, you're... you're not real. Right?

I thought you would love traveling.

I'm not sorry, you bearded !

I'm the victim!

I was molested as a kid, for Christ's sake!

My mom beat me with a garden gnome,

you bastards! I'm so sorry!

I'll do anything to make this right!

I'll do anything to make this right!

No, no, no...

Hey, Roy, does yours taste a little funny at all?

Hell no, mine tastes like fresh mountain stream water.

Ech, mine doesn't taste fresh at all.

That's just the factory flavor, man.

- You gotta suck through that. - All right.

No, man. No, it's still really weird.

I don't know, man.

Maybe your suit's set to fizzy or something.

No, it's not fizzy. It's slightly...

- Metallic in its bouquet. - Oh, shit.

There's a hickory or maybe even a compost-y effervescence.

Take five on the sucking, brother. This thing ain't even on.

Yeah, I thought it tasted a little funny.

Boy, you're becoming a man now,

and I think it's time I give you something that's been

passed between the men in our family for generations.

It was given to me by my father when I was around your age,

and his father gave it to him, and so on, and so on.

We should make this quick, though. I've got the diarrheas.

My dear boy, the joy of my life,

words cannot express how happy this day makes me.

Now, it is my pleasure to hand over...

the family mustache.

- Dad! - Lord, this is probably the worst pain

I have ever felt in my life! Holy dick!