The Old-Fashioned Way

Is the show troupe on board? Yes.

Which car? This car, here.

Well, wait a minute. They'll all be off.

Is this the McGonigle Repertory Troupe?

Uh-oh.

Where is the Great McGonigle?

He isn't here, but I'm his daughter.

Has anything happened?

Not yet.

But I have something here I'd like to give him.

I'll see that he gets it.

Not on your tintype. That's my job.

Well, jail can't be any worse than this.

The best thing this troupe does

is to get out of town just one jump ahead of the Sheriff.

Yeah, and I can't jump like I used to.

What's wrong? What did he do?

It ain't what he did do, it's what he didn't do.

Snuck out of his boarding house.

Didn't pay his board bill, didn't pay nothing.

Nothing!

Are you McGonigle? No.

Pardon me, just a little lung trouble.

That's enough of that.

Are you the Great McGonigle?

I am, sir, yes.

Then I have something to give you. There.

Thank you very much.

Board!

Just what I've been waiting for. I thank you.

Thanks for the light.

Good evening, my happy little family.

How are my little children of the theater?

Mr. McGonigle, I've got to have some money.

Yes, my lad, how much?

Two dollars.

If I had two dollars, I'd start a number two company.

For two cents I'd quit.

Pay him off.

Tickets, please.

Two score and five years ago... Tickets.

...when I was playing Mahoney City... Tickets.

Good evening, sir, how do you do?

I refer you to my amanuensis, Mr. Marmaduke Gump, our manager.

I am the owner and the star.

Excuse me, please.

Tickets.

Now, if you'll point out the members of your troupe.

Here's two. There's three. Here's two. There's four.

What have you got under your foot, Pop?

Under my foot?

Nothing, dear, nothing under there.

The other foot.

Other? My other foot?

Oh, for goodness' sake.

I'm glad you noticed it. What sharp eyes you have.

Let's see, my sleeping car ticket. I must have dropped it.

Here, I bought it for you. You what?

I bought it for you this morning, dear.

No, you didn't.

I didn't buy it?

I saw that man drop it.

A man dropped it? Well, that's funny.

Give it back to him.

Hmm?

Give it back to him, Pop.

Give it back? Are you sure he dropped it?

Oh, well, then, of course. It would be dishonest to keep it.

I'll give it back, but I'd like to know where that one is I bought for you.

I had it.

Why, don't wait up for me, dear.

I may play a little Parcheesi before coming to bed.

Pardon me.

I had a ticket. I think it was upper nine.

Upper nine?

Upper nine made up?

I'll see. George? Yes, sir.

Upper nine ready yet? Yes, sir.

Thank you. Get me the ladder, please, George.

Yes, sir. Thank you, my boy.

Quite stuffy affair. This puts...

Not enough room to swing a cat around in.

That gentleman has upper nine.

Well, maybe it was upper six.

No, upper six is occupied.

You don't think I'd lie to you about a ticket, do you?

Maybe this telegram will tell you who I am.

"J. Weldon Potter, Grand Mogul of the High Chamber Secret Order

"of the Veiled Knights of Matthias."

Quiet, please, quiet.

What is this, a cattle car?

Drat!

Well, I had a ticket...

I'll get you... Now get your belongings.

Hello, Betty.

And where do you think you're going?

I'm going to Bellefontaine.

Listen, Wally, you've got to stop following us around from town to town.

Oh, I'm not following us around. I'm following you.

Well, you can't follow me, either.

Listen, Betty, I'm going to be an actor. I'm crazy about the theater.

I'm crazy about you, too.

You're just crazy.

You listen to me, young man.

You're not going to get off at Bellefontaine, do you understand?

Yes, ma'am.

You'll stay on the train until you get back to college

where you should have been a month ago.

Do you hear? Yes, ma'am. Thank you, ma'am.

Are you going to do what I say?

No, ma'am.

Oh, you're impossible.

You're... You're a fool.

Yes, ma'am.

Bellefontaine, boss.

Bellefontaine, boss.

Belle, who?

Bellefontaine.

Oh, hello, Belle, dear, how are you?

I'll leave two tickets at the box office for you.

No, sir, Bellefontaine next stop.

Oh, yes. Oh, why, I'll get up. Why, so it is. So it is.

Gosh, I slept well last night.

Bellefontaine.

Belle...

How you doing down there?

Who is that? Who is it? What is this?

Who is it?

Who is it? What are you doing? What are you doing?

You're acting like an acrobat.

What's the idea...

What is the idea walking around in my nightshirt?

What's the idea of wearing a nightshirt big enough for people to walk around in?

Get in your berth. I was when my face you stepped on.

Face you stepped on.

What are you, Chinese people?

You walking around, stepping on people's faces!

I... I break your throat!

What? You... You...

The idea.

Why, was he talking to me? Stepping on people's...

Papa, he stole my mallet.

You've been creating a lot of disturbance around here this morning.

You!

I get you! What are you doing?

You break my head, huh!

I break your neck!

Gangway, please, gangway.

Good morning, gentlemen.

I am the Great McGonigle. How do you do?

Do you mind drawing your legs in?

Thank you.

Good morning, Governor.

Good morning, Marmaduke.

Get my parade costume out. Immediately.

Pardon me. Drat!

Thanks.

Good morning, little bright eyes.

I hope you are well, this effulgent morning.

Fine, Pop.

How are all of my little children of the theater this morning?

That's what I thought.

I have a telegram here that will warm the cockles of your heart.

I received it last night at Pocatello.

"The Great McGonigle, America's leading tragedian."

It's headed that way.

"Train number 42, upper berth... Private car number three.

"Dear sir. In reply to your telegram,

"the advance sale indicates the worst...

"The best business this theater has ever known.

"Signed Sneed Hern." The manager.

I expect the populace down to greet us at the station,

possibly with a brass band.

Bellefontaine! Bellefontaine!

Godfrey Daniel! Strike me up a gum tree. Here we are.

See, they not only brought a brass band, but they brought out the militia.

I thank you.

My friends...

My...

Thank you.

My friends of the beautiful city of Bellefontaine,

words fail me in expressing our gratitude.

Few of you realize the penalty of greatness

to which myself and my company are martyrs.

During our peregrinations of the seven seas,

we have always had a fond spot in our heart for dear old Bellefontaine.

And in conclusion,

I wish to thank you on behalf of myself, the Great McGonigle,

and on behalf of my daughter, Miss Betty McGonigle.

And on behalf of the Great McGonigle Company.

I thank you.

I thank you.

I thank you.

Don't shove, daughter. Little jump here.

Welcome, brother. I thank you.

I won't...

Left face. Forward march.

Friends, your reception has touched my heart.

The opera house is sold out tonight,

but for your benefit I have ordered 100 more chairs.