Scream Queens

Previously on scream queens...

Pete: Be careful. I'd really like to kiss you again.

I'm saving my energy for black Friday doorbusters

Tomorrow morning.

I can prove that you're the only person

In this room we know for a fact is a murderer.

How about you do the honors?

Dinner is served.

Chanel: Oh, the holidays.

That festive time of year where everyone's

Decked out in their christmas finest.

The season of joy and love and presents

Begins when the clock strikes midnight.

Ringing in the greatest non-chanelloween holiday

Of the year: Black Friday.

"but, chanel," you're saying,

"I thought you got all your clothing hand-delivered

By a-list designers." true.

But black Friday isn't about me.

Black Friday is about buying deliberately cheap,

Totally forgettable christmas gifts for friends.

The obvious cheapness of the gift makes them question

Our friendship and makes them way easier

To manipulate as they try desperately

To get back on my good side.

Thank you, chanel, thank you.

Is this black toilet paper?

Yes. Merry christmas, number five.

Then, once I've bought a crap gift that will undermine

Their confidence in our friendship,

I reward myself with an amazing gift for me.

Amazing. A pair of mink albino boy shorts.

Purchased for me,

By me.

And there's truly no better whale watching

Than a good ol' american doorbuster.

You know, the kind that provides dangerous stampedes

That dominate youtube for at least a week

And make me laugh and laugh.

I bribe the dude who deals weed off the loading dock

To let me in a half hour early.

This really sends them into a frenzy.

No!

Torturing these soulless manatees

Of senseless consumerism brings me so much joy.

And isn't joy what the holiday season's all about?

Zayday: At first I was like,

"what a weird turkey."

And then it clicked.

Like... "damn, that's a head."

Yeah, I kn... I know. It's very, very upsetting.

But then I noticed the smell.

And I'm like,

"gigi's roast head

Actually smells kind of delicious."

Mm.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where do you ladies think you're going? We were just

Served a roasted head for thanksgiving.

I mean, now it's almost midnight.

Yeah. And you know what starts at midnight? Black Friday.

That's why we're doorbusting.

No. You're not going anywhere,

Not until I get ahold of the police.

Okay, at this point, who cares if the police show up?

Chanel's right. All they're gonna do

Is look at gigi's severed, roasted head

And say that they have no proof that it is in any way

Related to the killings at campus.

Shut up, number five. When you agree with me,

It makes me question whether I actually agree with me.

Plus, we're never gonna know who cooked gigi and put her head

On that platter. Any one of us could be the killer.

At one point or another tonight, on this delightful

Holiday evening, every one of us was alone

And had access to that kitchen.

Got to run, or we'll be late

For the midnight hippo stampede at walmart.

No, no, no.

You listen to me, you little bitch.

I am gonna take this opportunity

To be the strong parental influence you have never had.

You are gonna March

Over to that sofa right now

And you're gonna sit down

Because you are in a time-out.

I'm sorry. Did you just put me on a time-out?

You do realize I'm not seven, right?

Let's review the facts, shall we?

You have been utterly powerless

To protect us from the red devil.

Hmm. Sort of a strange coincidence, isn't it?

Seeing as how your primary motivation as dean

Of this school has been to shut down kappa house.

Well, behold how badly you've failed.

Kappa house is alive

And well, and it's your university

That's been shut down.

I think it's pretty safe to assume that your career is over.

Now, if you'll excuse us,

We're going to the mall to exercise our patriotic right

To join hundreds of thousands of our fellow

Out-of-breath americans in sweatpants

As they make frenzied, ill-thought-out purchases

Of cheap, crappy garbage they can't afford and don't need.

To deny us of that right would be un-american.

Let's go, sluts.

Try not to murder anyone else while we're gone,

Dean carpetmunsch.

Man: I want to know what I'm being charged with.

Officer: You drove your pickup truck

Through the front window of a best buy.

You killed or maimed 40 people. Let's go.

Grace: Where do you think his office is?

Detective!

We called to report another murder,

But no one has come to check about it yet.

You know it's the busiest night of a cop's year, right?

Every available man's working the retail beat.

Well, what about you?

My girlfriend was murdered.

The killer cut her head off

And tried to serve it to us for thanksgiving.

Sounds awful,

But I'd keep that to yourself.

Pretty much always,

The boyfriend's the prime suspect.

Oh. Well, I was about to break up with her.

I mean, she was driving me nuts.

You're not really helping yourself.

You guys are wasting your time talking to me.

I was just fired.

They fired the entire homicide department

And the chief of police.

Most of the uniformed cops out there are working

On a-a volunteer basis because they get backed up inside

If they don't crack a few skulls every day.

Okay, h-how can they fire everyone?

Well...

The mayor got pretty pissed that we had zero leads

On that whole red devil thing

And we spent our budget for the month

On the ghost hunting supplies.

There's a killer on the loose and you're telling us

This town has no police force?

Oh, oh, don't get too worked up about it.

They're interviewing some tip-top candidates

Right now as we speak

To take over. And, uh,

I'm opening my own interior design company.

So if any of you need some

Interiors designed...

It's always been my dream.

Well...

If you guys'll excuse me...

I got a lot more packing to do.

Should I get number five a pair of 99-cent brass studs

That'll turn her earlobes green and give her an infection

Or a pair of $1.99 danglies

That'll get caught on her sweater and tear her earholes?

Hmm. That's a really good question.

Okay, you know what, you guys,

I don't understand why you have to get us the crappiest gifts

Possible and then make sure we know about it beforehand

Just to ruin the surprise.

Um, hello? The surprise is that you're getting anything at all.

You guys should be happy

You're even on my radar.

I think what number five is trying to say is that since

We spent so much time and money picking you out the perfect

Chanel classic flap crocodile jumbo purse for you...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You dumb bitches got me... Chanel...

A chanel classic flap crocodile purse?

Oh, yeah.

That is bizarre. I mean, that's like

Bringing pineapples to hawaii.

You know uncle karl

Gives me chanel swag for free, right?

So why would you feel the need to waste $13,000

Buying me something I already have?

'cause it's christmas.

Oh, my god.

Maybe I've got this whole black Friday thing wrong.

Maybe instead of using my disgusting wealth

To buy my friends crap,

I should use my disgusting wealth to buy my friends

Things they would actually enjoy.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Wait, w-where are we going?

To the chrysler dealership across the street.

I'm buying us all matching pink jeeps.

Wait, what?

Yes. It's gonna be so fun.

We can take our matching pink jeeps

On, like, an african safari or something.

How do we know that they're gonna have

Four identical pink jeeps?

Yeah, and how are we gonna get the jeeps to africa?

I mean, are we gonna ship them or we gonna take a ferry?