The Romanoffs

I was watching this movie about these people falling in love.

The guy said something like,

"We have so much in common."

Then later in the movie, they get in a fight,

and the girl says, "Opposites attract."

And I mean, I don't know.

Which one is it?

Well, I suppose both are true.

Still, those are just lines from a movie.

Sometimes I just think we're too different.

Is that the way it's supposed to be,

or are we supposed to like doing the same things?

Michael?

I think she should do what she wants to do.

I do.

But it's just that you don't want to do anything.

I mean, you don't like dancing,

you don't want to go to my family's lake house,

uh, or go for a hike

or to the movies or to see friends.

Well, you don't understand because you work at home,

and I have to go into that office every day.

But isn't that more reason to go out and have fun?

I'm never at home.

I don't care what we do.

I would do anything you want.

But you do care because you make all the decisions--

what I do with my spare time, how many hours I work,

- how much I get paid. - The business is both of ours.

Okay, but we both know

that you're the boss and I'm the employee.

- Why do you always say that? - Because it's true.

Shelly, we try not to say people always say anything. Right?

Michael?

I'm just curious.

What do you enjoy?

I like lots of things.

I can't read his mind.

I surprised him with this vacation

because he joined this society to learn more about his family history,

and they sent us these brochures,

and I distinctly heard him say, "That looks cool."

It does look cool.

Michael, why don't you tell Shelly something you'd like to do?

Um...

You know what? You're right. I can't think of anything.

I'll do whatever you want.

I know she's expensive. I'm not trying to waste it.

- Do you have to do that right now? - Don't. I deserve this.

Yeah?

Thanks.

Hey, I got Esther to cover your SAT session tomorrow.

Why? I'm not leaving till Friday.

The schedule says you have jury duty.

Fuck.

My dad says you, uh, just have to convince them

you're a racist to get out of it.

Well, I'll just tell them the truth.

There is no justice.

Dumb shit or hard on?

He's got a 4.4 from St. Pat's, so probably both.

Michael Romanoff.

Great to meet you, Andrew.

Ahem.

I like to start with you telling me in your own words

what your goals are, your dreams, your interests.

I need a 1600. I want to go to Harvard.

What would you say if I told you

there might be other options that are better for you?

I would say I want my money back

because you have a guaranteed satisfaction policy.

Okay.

So can you tell me why you want to go to Harvard?

Uh, so I can do whatever I want

instead of staying here forever and getting a shitty job

and being a loser.

Uh-huh.

Because people who stay here are losers.

Well... I don't know.

You help people get into Harvard.

It's pretty cool.

I can give you your money back right now

because wanting something and getting it

are two very different things.

Not if you go to Harvard.

Keep saying "Harvard," Andrew,

is not gonna make it happen.

You have to accept the reality

and try to be happy with whatever you get.

- Yale? - You're not listening, Andrew.

The big secret...

is nobody's happy.

I just came here for test prep.

Well, we're gonna find a good second,

maybe third tier school for you

where you can party and enjoy the next four years,

'cause they're gonna be the best ones of your life.

That's a guarantee.

Oh, can you go online and stop the Sunday paper?

I don't want it sitting in the driveway while we're gone.

Can we just stop it forever? I mean, we just recycle it.

I like the crosswords.

You can do it online.

It's not the same.

But you know what?

Yeah, go ahead.

Guess we're going to bed now.

You can still play your game.

This is taking forever.

No, thank you.

What's that game?

Excuse me?

Are those fish?

Uh, baby pandas.

They're trapped in bubbles,

and you have to bounce these bubbles into those bubbles to free them.

- Mm-hmm. - And if you don't free all of them,

the mama cries.

And what if you do?

Then you go on to the next level.

It's a little bit different, usually harder.

You should explain that to the judge.

They'll never take you.

I'm Darryl.

Michael.

Yeah. How about her?

Are you kidding me?

Honey, I really tried.

You know we leave on Friday.

I don't know what to tell you. They said it would be quick.

They're going to have a murder trial in two days?

Shelly, it's not the way it is on TV, okay?

That's what they said.

I don't think I can get our money back.

Look, it's the law. There's nothing I can do.

And moreover, it's my civic duty.

Okay. I'll try to change the flights to the redeye.

Raised in poverty,

Sarah Elkins lived most of her 76 years

on a fixed income.

Her husband Larry left her an apartment building,

hoping it would take care of her.

Unfortunately, her desire to give a home

to a troubled young man brought death to her doorstep.

April 19th was warmer than usual.

Kurt Davis, the defendant,

went to his local bar, the Irish Rose,

to enjoy six shots of Old Crow and four bottles of Budweiser.

Little did Sarah know that, around 8:30 that night,

he would break down her door,

crush her skull with a table lamp,

and shoot her three times point blank

before shooting himself in the thigh,

claiming they had been, quote, jumped by two spics,

end quote.

Well, you could have been out in the street,

they were yelling so loud, and I mean cussing.

Was this the only interaction you witnessed?

No. I remember once Mrs. Elkins complained to him

and left him a note.

And then I saw that he left her a note.

Is this the note you saw?

Yes.

Can you read it?

"Fuck you, bitch. My dog does what my dog does."

Please tell your client he's not helping himself.

Hey, there.

Hello.

I left mine in the car. Do you mind, uh...

These are good.

I guess we're the only two smokers in there.

You know, I know we're not supposed to talk about it,

but it's fascinating, isn't it?

It is.

Have you done this before?

No. First time.

But I've always wanted to.

Why?

I suppose I have this nightmare

that I'll get caught for something

and it'll be good karma.

Guilty conscience.

I guess.

And I just love murder.

You do?

Everybody loves true crime.

I don't know. My whole family was murdered,

so I guess it always seems a little close to home.

Wait. Your family?

Well, how did they allow you on the jury?

Oh, it was a while ago.

That's horrible. How?

Bolsheviks.

- Really? - You're not even American.

How'd you get on the jury?

I'll see you inside.

As the diagram indicates,

the victim suffered three bullet wounds

and a severe fracture to the skull,

resulting in a brain contusion and eventually fatal hemorrhage.