Mom

Good morning, Bonnie.

Is it? 'Cause it looks like you've been robbed.

You could call it that.

My wife and I have been aggressively uncoupling.

What?

Just seeing if there's a Post-it on your balls.

Oh, she took those long ago.

All right, let's punch this hog.

I really need your help with something.

- Yeah? What's that? - I don't want to die.

I do, so that sort of evens things up.

I mean, think about it... I've only got 40 or 50 years left.

How old do you think you are?

You know what? You're right, it's over.

And maybe that's good.

Oh, sharp turn.

Who wants to be alive to see

everything go completely to hell?

I mean, Christy's never gonna get married.

Adam's gonna go bald. It's already starting.

In the back, you can see through the cotton candy.

Global warming. Sure, we're having great weather,

but you know it's only happening 'cause the Earth's

slowly spinning towards the sun till we're all bacon.

I don't...

What channels do you watch?

Nothing right now, 'cause our TV's broken,

- probably forever. - Okay, okay,

let's just take a little breath.

Do you remember those techniques I gave you

to help with your negative thoughts?

What did you think?

P.U.

- Did you actually try them? - Yes, Trevor.

I even lit a candle and wrote a note to my younger self

and then burned it.

That's not psychology, Bonnie, that's witchcraft.

Well, none of it worked.

Okay, well, I'll get you another copy, and...

Hold on a second.

- Where's my snow globe? - What?

Yeah, I had an AT&T Park snow globe from 2010

when the Giants won the World Series.

Damn it, Sandra,

you only took that to hurt me.

I'm gonna level with you... This is a little rough to watch.

All right, here's the negativity techniques.

Try 'em, don't try 'em. See if I care.

I-I'm sorry, that was terribly unprofessional.

It is very important that you try these techniques.

It's okay if you're a little off your game.

Some crazy broad just stole your toy.

It's not a toy. It's a collectible.

For our special side, we have roasted Brussels sprouts

with guanciale in a maple glaze.

That's right, I made these nasty little fart balls delicious.

Brilliant. No one will realize they're paying 20 bucks

for a stomachache and an awkward ride home.

Oof, what's on the menu tonight, feet?

And when will Bob the Builder be leaving us?

Hey. You're the one who took a pill you found in your pocket

and destroyed the walk-in.

Well, in my defense, there was a dragon in there.

Yeah. It was a very good pill.

Seriously, either turn on a fan or eighty-six that funk.

Paul.

Would you like

to go back to working at Chipotle?

Look, uh... Tammy.

No, I wasn't searching for your name.

I was looking for words that you could understand.

Ah. Uh, here we go.

Uh, you no think good.

Stand still. I'm gonna fold your lips over your forehead.

Okay, Tammy, he needs his lips, I need my tips...

Let's go back to work.

What's that Rudy guy's deal?

I know, he's an ass.

He's a gigantic ass.

Is he single?

What? I had to separate you.

Yeah, you did.

I don't understand.

You were insulting each other.

It's called flirting, Christy.

No wonder you don't have a man.

Listen to me.

He's bad news.

Oh, I get it... you're into him!

No. No, no, no, no, no.

- No! - Yeah! You want him for yourself!

- No, I don't! ‭-

Methinks you protest too much.

Methinks me would jump off a building

before me would let him touch me.

So you've thought about it.

Whatcha doing there?

Trevor told me to write down my negative thoughts

and then write a positive thought after it.

God, my handwriting is so terrible.

That's a negative thought.

Now I need a positive one.

Wendy, any ideas?

You look nice today.

I...

like Wendy.

Thanks. I like you, too.

All right, we don't have to make out.

Bonnie, therapy's great,

but, you know, a lot of that negativity

could also be worked on right here in this program.

I find meditation is the best way

to deal with my dark and twisty thoughts.

Oh, come on. What's a dark thought for you?

That I'll die and no one will take my cats,

and after a while they'll start to eat each other.

Anybody want a cookie?

Yikes.

She has a point... None of us are taking her cats.

You know, I've been meditating 20 minutes in the morning

and 20 minutes at night, and I can really see a difference.

Ain't nothin' gonna quiet the riot in this mind.

Come on, Bonnie, be nice to yourself.

Wendy...

I'm married.

Are we really this desperate to watch TV?

Well, we could talk to each other.

Stop tilting it. I can't see.

- Hey. - How was work?

Upsetting. Tammy's got a crush on Chef Rudy.

- Chef Rudy? - Chef Rudy.

What's wrong with Chef Rudy?

By the way, can we just call him Rudy?

He sleeps with women, then dumps them.

I told Tammy absolutely no way can she go out with him.

You can't do that. You can't tell an alcoholic no.

They hear, "I dare you."

Look what happened when you told me not to go out with Adam.

Wait, what?

I never told you not to go out with him.

- Then why did I? - Hang on a second.

No, no, somebody had to say, "Don't date him."

There's no way I ended up with him if I didn't get push-back.

Oh, you think I should've told Tammy,

"Oh, Chef Rudy's great! Go for it!"

Again, we don't say "Bartender Adam"

or "Building Manager Bonnie."

I mean, would that have worked with you

when you dated Chef Rudy?

Whoa, whoa. You dated Chef Rudy?

One date.

Oh. So, like, nothing physical.

One date.

Good God!

I can be louder than you.

You got a problem?

Yes. How am I supposed to create a pretentious menu

to your symphony of blue-collar noises?

You mean this? This bothering you? Eh?

I don't know. I don't see it. Really? Why?

Christy.

Would you please return this woman

to whatever Home Depot parking lot you found her.

And tell this Top Chef first round loser...

That's right, I googled you...

That I will leave when I'm finished fixing the mess he made.

If that's the only thing you found, you don't Google right.

She's a horrible person.

Good. Good. Yes, she is.

Strange response.

Why would you want me not to like your friend?

- No, it isn't. - Aha!

What is it?

You're only supposed to say "aha" if you know what it is.

- So there is something. - There's nothing.

- Aha! - Stop that!

You're hiding something.

Your freakishly large eyes have suddenly gone small.

My eyes are exactly the right size.

Can we just talk about the menu?

Okay. I'm thinking for the fish special...

Oh, sweet Paula Deen, Tammy digs me.

What? No! No!

No!

Oh, my God!

How did you do that so fast?

Breathe in love.

Breathe out Bonnie.

Breathe in love.

Breathe out Bonnie.

This is so boring.

Breathe out more Bonnie.

Ooh, head rush. Let's do that again.

Okay, let's do something new.

We're gonna take ten breaths,

and you're not gonna talk.

Great idea.

- One. ‭- No counting.

Sorry.

Do you want my help or not?