Two and a Half Men

Hey, Doc, how many more adjustments

do you think I'm going to need?

Well, Mr. Malinkovich, let's see.

Um, my son won't graduate college till 2015, so...

a lot.

See you next time.

Okay, Mr. Dunlop.

It's good to see you again, sir.

And, uh, how are we doing today?

Not good.

I was making love to my wife last night.

Oh, my God, is she okay?

She's fine. She was on top.

But my back went out, Doc.

Okay, well, let's, uh,

get you on the table and get to work.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Steady there, big fella.

I took some pain pills

my wife had left over from her C-section.

I guess my legs are a little rubbery.

How many pills did you take?

Well, let's see.

One when I went to bed...

Mm-hmm. one when I got up...

Seven.

Really?

You know, it's not usually a good idea

to pop Class-A narcotics like Skittles.

Doc, I gotta lie down.

Okay, okay, but not here, n-not now.

No, no, no, no, no!

Oh, my God!

Mr. Dunlop!

Mr. Dunlop, you need to get up.

Help!

Fire!

Big giant guy!

( cell phone ring tone plays "Fur Elise" )

Oh, perfect.

Dr. Harper speaking.

Judith, this is not a good time.

I'm with a patient.

Well, what about Jake?

Well, no, I can't pick him up at school now.

W-Why can't you do it?

You're not the only one under pressure, Judith!

All right, I'll call Charlie and have him pick him up.

Mm...

Hey, hey, stop that.

Stop that.

Do you need to get it?

Nah, the machine'll pick up.

Hey, it's Charlie.

Do your thing when you hear the beep.

Charlie, I need your help.

Oh, pick up, pick up, pick up!

For God's sake!

See?

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men... *

Hey, look who's here.

Hi.

How come you're not in school?

He got sent home-- for misbehaving.

Well, it's about time.

Hey, when I was your age,

I had already been arrested twice.

Charlie, don't.

No convictions.

Come on. I've had a really bad day.

I had to cancel all my patients

and close my office to go pick him up.

Wow, what a drag.

Hey, I got

some new video games.

You wanna play with me?

Sure. Did you forget

you're being punished?

No, but why does Uncle Charlie have to suffer?

Go to your room.

You know, in some countries

you're innocent until proven guilty.

You confessed.

Oh, yeah.

And that country you're thinking of is this one, genius!

What'd he do? Something awful.

How awful?

These are all multi-player games.

Apparently, there is

a little girl in Jake's class named Barbara Schmidt

who is a little more physically developed

than the other girls, and Jake decided

to make a picture of her and pass it around.

I only passed it to one person.

What happened after that was not my responsibility.

Aw, dude! Why'd you sign it?

Okay, that part I regret.

Go back to your room.

"Boobra Schmidt."

I'm putting this one on the refrigerator.

Charlie, this is serious.

It really speaks to me.

The girl went home in tears, her mother is on the warpath

and Jake could get expelled.

For a silly drawing?

It's considered sexual harassment.

The school has a zero-tolerance policy.

Oh, for the good old days

when you could wander into the girls' locker room

pretending you were blind.

You actually did that? That's horrible.

No, the horrible part

was stealing the dog from the blind kid.

Well, unfortunately, times have changed and we no longer live

in a Porky's movie.

What's a Porky's movie?!

Close the door!

I'll be in to talk with you in a minute!

Alan, go easy on him.

He doesn't understand what he did wrong.

He's right! I don't have a clue!

I thought I told you to close the door!

It is closed.

Go in your room!

Fine.

You know what?

Maybe I should talk to him.

Oh. Oh, now you want to help?

What's that supposed to mean?

It means why didn't you pick up the phone

when I needed you this afternoon?

Um... I didn't want to?

See? See?

I can't depend on you.

I never have been able to depend on you,

and I never will be able to depend on you,

and you know why?

Because I'm undependable?

Yes! Yes! Undependable and, an-and selfish,

and frankly, I'm the idiot, because I deluded myself

into believing that when I desperately

needed my brother to go pick up my kid at school,

he might actually bother to pick up the freaking phone!

Okay, okay, in my defense,

I really didn't want to.

Okay, you're right.

I'm sorry, I-I should've picked up the phone.

Forget it. What's done is done.

No sense grinding on it.

Thank you.

I just have to accept the fact that I-I can't count on anyone,

least of all an emotionally immature narcissist

who thinks that the sun rises out of his navel

and sets in his scrotum

and only cares about what lies between the two.

Okay, I'm no expert, but that sounds a lot like "grinding."

I am done talking to you.

Come on, Alan, I said I was sorry.

Give me another chance.

For what? To let me down again?

Tell me what I can do. Name something. Anything.

Okay, okay.

I have to go to Jake's school tomorrow

to see if I can keep him from being expelled.

You want me to go with you? I am there. You can count on me.

No, my receptionist is out sick all week and I need somebody

to handle the phones while I'm gone.

In your office?

Yes.

Way out in the Valley?

Yes.

All day?

Yes.

Gee, tomorrow's not really good for me.

All right, all right, what time?

The office opens at eight.

O'clock?

No, degrees.

No reason to be snide. I just don't want to be late.

Fine.

We leave at seven.

O'clock?

* Men.

Okay, Charlie!

Time to get up and go to work!

Charlie?

Of course.

Never even came home.

Why help your only brother

when you can be out boffing total strangers?

"I'll be there for you."

"You can count on me."

My own fault.

I'm just stupid and gullible.

And annoying. Don't forget annoying.

You're here.

You said 7:00, right?

You got yourself up?

Didn't have to.